Today life seems so fragile. It feels hard to swallow and yet I am reminded of Your faithfulness, Your enduring love, Your sacrifice for which I am ever thankful.
In the midst of trials, questions and tribulations, I trust You, oh LORD. I trust that Your Word is hidden in my heart. I trust that You will never leave me nor forsake me though I leave and forsake you daily. You, oh LORD, are not like man or woman. You alone are God. You alone are worthy. You alone are holy.
I come before You foolishly baring a small fragment and meek understanding of love because it is all that I have to give to You. I humbly lay it at your feet. I lay it not as repayment for a debt that I cannot repay. I bring this love because you loved us first and that LOVE so moves me to give unto You.
Praise be to God. All thanks and thanksgiving be unto You, oh LORD.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Free Write
I had the oddest dream last night,
You moved my desk for me.
You claimed that the move was supposed to be encouraging,
Outraged I began questioning,
More like spanish inqusitioning,
None the less,
It ended with you chasing me,
Debating me,
We were undoubtedly arguing.
I woke up remembering,
This had been my idea in the first place,
I feel like we need to grow seperately,
Truth is I'm still struggling with the things that you say and do to me,
You tell me its not happening,
But I'm still questioning the truth of your statements matched up with your actions.
I understand that this is all confusing,
And likely frustrating,
But I'm no longer sure if its worth waiting.
You moved my desk for me.
You claimed that the move was supposed to be encouraging,
Outraged I began questioning,
More like spanish inqusitioning,
None the less,
It ended with you chasing me,
Debating me,
We were undoubtedly arguing.
I woke up remembering,
This had been my idea in the first place,
I feel like we need to grow seperately,
Truth is I'm still struggling with the things that you say and do to me,
You tell me its not happening,
But I'm still questioning the truth of your statements matched up with your actions.
I understand that this is all confusing,
And likely frustrating,
But I'm no longer sure if its worth waiting.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Simply Put
I sit waiting for the pen to hit the paper,
Anticipating the moment when a thought worth writing spills from this ink,
But this crowded coffee shop doesn't leave much room to think,
Not to mention the one who sits across from me,
Your presence beating, poking, prodding my existence,
And suddenly I am pissed.
Pissed because I'm not sure which synapse or neuron in my brain miss fired when I asked my body to turn off this chemical imbalance that makes me want you,
I'd let you go but every time I turn to rid myself of you its like trying to breath with a hand cupped tightly over my mouth,
And so I sit akwardly,
Waiting to exhale,
Holding my breath,
And this crowded coffee shop already knows what I'm thinking,
They say "don't hold your breath" as if to say "don't bet your life on it" but these things could be said with much more ease and much less sarcasm if you would simply say,
"I can't" or "it'll never happen" or simply put "NO"
Anticipating the moment when a thought worth writing spills from this ink,
But this crowded coffee shop doesn't leave much room to think,
Not to mention the one who sits across from me,
Your presence beating, poking, prodding my existence,
And suddenly I am pissed.
Pissed because I'm not sure which synapse or neuron in my brain miss fired when I asked my body to turn off this chemical imbalance that makes me want you,
I'd let you go but every time I turn to rid myself of you its like trying to breath with a hand cupped tightly over my mouth,
And so I sit akwardly,
Waiting to exhale,
Holding my breath,
And this crowded coffee shop already knows what I'm thinking,
They say "don't hold your breath" as if to say "don't bet your life on it" but these things could be said with much more ease and much less sarcasm if you would simply say,
"I can't" or "it'll never happen" or simply put "NO"
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Waiting Games
New Slam Piece-- Per Usual Always Better When Performed.
I don’t go around doing things like this,
That’s what I said,
If I am completely honest most people think I am a prude,
And I am sure a few think that I am just plain rude because of the prudence with which
I approach each and every situation knowing that human inclinations can lie and this makes my position in such a world unnaturally wise,
And since I am easily moved to cry I resort to risk analysis to avoid the catastrophe of great floods from my eyes,
Because my rain quickly becomes a natural disaster in the landscape of my heart and earthquakes can topple my soul leaving piles of rubble,
And with my heart and my soul both rendered helpless my mind runs wild free of its bubble.
So now, June 18th, 2010 you will have become my minds constant playmate,
A companion like no other,
Welcome, be embraced by every other date in the book of my life that now stands still plastered with memories like stone walls,
Your hands hold the hopes and fears of a failed risk analysis
Where the unthinkable became thought and the prudent became the dare devil unabashedly committed to this jump
Unsure whether or not I’d find myself caught in the wreckage,
I accepted the potential of being locked in this cage.
6 18 2010, you could have been a jackpot lotto number,
But instead your eyes now hold moments that disappeared in the mornin’ as the sun rose to greet you with the light of day,
Shining bright on the dark of my eve that now seems only a figment of my imagination leaving me breathless with no words to say,
Only the fleeting feeling of lips pressed to mine with hands on hands pushing back voices shouting, “This will all end in time”.
Yes, this will all end in time,
But in this moment the energy of this first first makes the earth stand still,
And if only for a second time stops,
I have gained uncharted moments with you.
And let’s not forget you, old friend,
4th Avenue Diner,
You will continue to be one of my best,
Corners of your infrastructure hiding memories that only I can see,
Flashbacks on movie screens,
I’ve never had Breakfast at Tiffany’s but breakfast at the diner is good enough for me because it is the place where things happen,
The unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomed moment,
That happened nothing like I imagined.
Behind a grease stained menu in a worn out booth,
Surrounded by friends for whom this was a monumental move,
You and I met like ships in the night catching glimpses of light,
And I’m still not sure what its worth.
A moment of honesty and you turned to me,
My mind shouting, “What the hell are you doing? We are still waiting.”
But my heart couldn’t hear the warnings over its beat and just pushed forward,
And I’m beginning to think its true,
Every step forward is two steps backwards.
It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more,
I pry would have kept it had I known better what I was waiting for,
Cause you have not called nor emailed nor text’d,
Facebook is acceptable,
You could poke me at best,
I pry would feel better if post 6 18 2010 we would connect,
Cause I didn’t want my first to be a first and a last,
I hate to look back and have regret in my past,
But I know,
It’s only been 3 days and your busy, I’m sure,
So,
I’ll make an excuse for why there’s lag,
We’ll connect soon and I’ll no longer feel bad,
For giving away what I held for so long,
For 24 years my grip was so strong,
But in a matter of hours you got under my skin,
My defenses were down and my soul let you in,
I couldn’t push back,
So hope hit the ring and went for the win,
And I walked into the unknown leaving my 4th Avenue den.
I want you know that I’m not expecting much,
Life is sort of crazy and time is always a crunch,
But it would be nice if we could have lunch,
So please be to true your word and prove my fears wrong,
Just do me a favor,
Don’t make me wait too long.
I don’t go around doing things like this,
That’s what I said,
If I am completely honest most people think I am a prude,
And I am sure a few think that I am just plain rude because of the prudence with which
I approach each and every situation knowing that human inclinations can lie and this makes my position in such a world unnaturally wise,
And since I am easily moved to cry I resort to risk analysis to avoid the catastrophe of great floods from my eyes,
Because my rain quickly becomes a natural disaster in the landscape of my heart and earthquakes can topple my soul leaving piles of rubble,
And with my heart and my soul both rendered helpless my mind runs wild free of its bubble.
So now, June 18th, 2010 you will have become my minds constant playmate,
A companion like no other,
Welcome, be embraced by every other date in the book of my life that now stands still plastered with memories like stone walls,
Your hands hold the hopes and fears of a failed risk analysis
Where the unthinkable became thought and the prudent became the dare devil unabashedly committed to this jump
Unsure whether or not I’d find myself caught in the wreckage,
I accepted the potential of being locked in this cage.
6 18 2010, you could have been a jackpot lotto number,
But instead your eyes now hold moments that disappeared in the mornin’ as the sun rose to greet you with the light of day,
Shining bright on the dark of my eve that now seems only a figment of my imagination leaving me breathless with no words to say,
Only the fleeting feeling of lips pressed to mine with hands on hands pushing back voices shouting, “This will all end in time”.
Yes, this will all end in time,
But in this moment the energy of this first first makes the earth stand still,
And if only for a second time stops,
I have gained uncharted moments with you.
And let’s not forget you, old friend,
4th Avenue Diner,
You will continue to be one of my best,
Corners of your infrastructure hiding memories that only I can see,
Flashbacks on movie screens,
I’ve never had Breakfast at Tiffany’s but breakfast at the diner is good enough for me because it is the place where things happen,
The unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomed moment,
That happened nothing like I imagined.
Behind a grease stained menu in a worn out booth,
Surrounded by friends for whom this was a monumental move,
You and I met like ships in the night catching glimpses of light,
And I’m still not sure what its worth.
A moment of honesty and you turned to me,
My mind shouting, “What the hell are you doing? We are still waiting.”
But my heart couldn’t hear the warnings over its beat and just pushed forward,
And I’m beginning to think its true,
Every step forward is two steps backwards.
It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more,
I pry would have kept it had I known better what I was waiting for,
Cause you have not called nor emailed nor text’d,
Facebook is acceptable,
You could poke me at best,
I pry would feel better if post 6 18 2010 we would connect,
Cause I didn’t want my first to be a first and a last,
I hate to look back and have regret in my past,
But I know,
It’s only been 3 days and your busy, I’m sure,
So,
I’ll make an excuse for why there’s lag,
We’ll connect soon and I’ll no longer feel bad,
For giving away what I held for so long,
For 24 years my grip was so strong,
But in a matter of hours you got under my skin,
My defenses were down and my soul let you in,
I couldn’t push back,
So hope hit the ring and went for the win,
And I walked into the unknown leaving my 4th Avenue den.
I want you know that I’m not expecting much,
Life is sort of crazy and time is always a crunch,
But it would be nice if we could have lunch,
So please be to true your word and prove my fears wrong,
Just do me a favor,
Don’t make me wait too long.
Monday, June 21, 2010
5 Day Spread
The past 5 days have been artistically productive and emotionally draining--a new song and a new slam piece.
This seems to be how my life works. Everything happens all at once, and I spend months trying to catch-up.
Things are changing, and I am not sure if it is a good thing. I am doing my best to keep it simple because it all seems so complicated.
That said, how do you simplify running program with no budget, first kisses wrapped in assurances that may only fall short, struggling friends who are too prideful to accept any sort of love, family wounds that may never heal, a 70 hour work week that you created for yourself because its easier to work than it is to deal with the fall outs of a shitty personal life, youth who can't see beyond the lies that society tells them, a church that doesn't really line-up with what they say, etc. etc. etc.
I don't know.
I suppose the best I can do is hold on to God for dear life.
This seems to be how my life works. Everything happens all at once, and I spend months trying to catch-up.
Things are changing, and I am not sure if it is a good thing. I am doing my best to keep it simple because it all seems so complicated.
That said, how do you simplify running program with no budget, first kisses wrapped in assurances that may only fall short, struggling friends who are too prideful to accept any sort of love, family wounds that may never heal, a 70 hour work week that you created for yourself because its easier to work than it is to deal with the fall outs of a shitty personal life, youth who can't see beyond the lies that society tells them, a church that doesn't really line-up with what they say, etc. etc. etc.
I don't know.
I suppose the best I can do is hold on to God for dear life.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Life Happens
Sometimes we do crazy things. Sometimes those crazy things feel good. They are fun, freeing and more than worth it! Other times your tossing and turning in your sleep sludging through excuses and justifications for why everything should be "a ok", but reality is you just don't know.
Crazy has been my middle name for the past few months it seems. I haven't done anything too destructive, but I've been walking that line; pushing the boundaries. This is not typical behavior for me. In fact, it is odd considering that I am consistently risk avoidant. The fear of getting in trouble for even thinking of crossing the line is enough to throw me into a vomit like confessional state in which I divulge every impure thought to the nearest priest. Mind you, I'm not Catholic.
All that said, I'm tired of being straight laced, but not really understanding why. I want to have a genuine regard for these "rules" that I follow and preach. Realistically, that sort of regard is developed by going through some stuff. Please believe, I am going through. Some stuff is of my own creation. Some stuff is the creation of others. That said, in all of it, reality is that LIFE HAPPENS.
Instead of letting life happen to me, I am happening to life. Or more so, happening to live.
So, here's to first kisses in 4th Avenue Diners, using your entire savings to pay off your car, moving in with your sister, applying to 4 masters programs getting in and denying admissions, etc. etc. etc.
Crazy has been my middle name for the past few months it seems. I haven't done anything too destructive, but I've been walking that line; pushing the boundaries. This is not typical behavior for me. In fact, it is odd considering that I am consistently risk avoidant. The fear of getting in trouble for even thinking of crossing the line is enough to throw me into a vomit like confessional state in which I divulge every impure thought to the nearest priest. Mind you, I'm not Catholic.
All that said, I'm tired of being straight laced, but not really understanding why. I want to have a genuine regard for these "rules" that I follow and preach. Realistically, that sort of regard is developed by going through some stuff. Please believe, I am going through. Some stuff is of my own creation. Some stuff is the creation of others. That said, in all of it, reality is that LIFE HAPPENS.
Instead of letting life happen to me, I am happening to life. Or more so, happening to live.
So, here's to first kisses in 4th Avenue Diners, using your entire savings to pay off your car, moving in with your sister, applying to 4 masters programs getting in and denying admissions, etc. etc. etc.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Free Write
Your mouth lies but your eyes tell the truth
So I am searching for proof
Hoping to find fact to affirm my hypothesis
You provide, but in the same stride you deny what everyone else can see
*Listening to The Verve Pipe--The Freshmen
Yes, I know. That is so Indiana high school-esque of me
What can I say? I'm true to my roots...
So I am searching for proof
Hoping to find fact to affirm my hypothesis
You provide, but in the same stride you deny what everyone else can see
*Listening to The Verve Pipe--The Freshmen
Yes, I know. That is so Indiana high school-esque of me
What can I say? I'm true to my roots...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I Hate My Life (Spoken Word)
I hate my life,
No, really I do,
I don't even know why.
More often than not at night it seems
My voice is silenced by my own screams
Caught in my throat like chip
I drink, It moves
Slowly etching its way down my esophogus.
And it hurts me,
No, really it does,
I am trying to be happy,
But my face is like one of those Walmart smiley face stickers,
Only its red, stained with my tears like blood,
And instead of rolling back prices
I'm rolling back crisis after crisis,
Tipping bottle after bottle,
Only its getting harder to stay a float.
And I am drowning,
No, really, I am sinking like a rock,
Have you heard of the Titanic?
That's me.
And believe me there ain't no happy love scenes,
Cause I am alone
Sinking helplessly into the icey sea,
Slipping seemlessly into the darkness
Only to be escovated when the CO2 I produce is missed
And my silence turns up absent.
And I am cutting,
No, really I am slicing piecies of me,
Like a butcher I am chopping this woman into mince meat,
Hoping to beat new life into her,
With make-up, eyeliner, tweezers like knives,
Attempting to cut down cast eyes and upside down crescent moon shaped lips into a smile and delightful gaze.
Only to find myself sludging through the haze of my own blood when accidently slicing veins and arteries that feed my heart and my self-love.
And I am bleeding
No, really I am gushing.
Sitting in pools of my own viscera and mayheim
And it is only getting deeper.
So against the lifeguards warnings I climb up to the highest diving board
And I commit myself to falling to my mess
I complacently give up
Residing to just live in it because I couldn't study hard enough for this test.
And I am insecure,
No, really insecurity is my daily fit,
I reach into my closet and I clothe myself in it
Low self-esteem
And instead of sifting through hopes and dreams
I am digging through air brushed models and dirty magazines
I am taking limbs from manequins and replacing my own with plastic implants and silcone domes
I am leaping from airplanes of self-unacceptance without a parachute
And I am falling
No, really I am one mis-step from failing
I am holding a hand full of jokers and I at any moment I'll fold
And all you self-righteous bastards staring down your noses at me will say,
"We told you so"
And like my father's ancestors hauled on to ships sold into slavery my mother's lineage
I will sale myself short to poor theological manefestation and half-hearted inclinations
And I will thus be colonized by past indescretions finding sanctity in partial confessions
And there will be none of me left in my possession
They say sometimes things fall apart
But I am always falling apart
And if all the world is a stage I am its greatest actress
Cause I pick up my cross daily
No I pick up my mask daily
And with semi permanent marker on white board face I draw on a smile
And as you pass by I throw you an arbitrary glance
Cause I am a Christian
But really I am a hypocrite
And I wouldn't want you to know that I am a sinner and not a saint
So I live in spray painted surroundings and mirrages of what could be
If I would only let go and say "Hey world this is the real me and I am struggling"
No really I am suffering
No really I am teeter tottering on faith
But the Word says that whomever loves his life will lose
But whomever hates his life for me will save it
And I hate my life
No really I do
So, am I saved?
No, really I do,
I don't even know why.
More often than not at night it seems
My voice is silenced by my own screams
Caught in my throat like chip
I drink, It moves
Slowly etching its way down my esophogus.
And it hurts me,
No, really it does,
I am trying to be happy,
But my face is like one of those Walmart smiley face stickers,
Only its red, stained with my tears like blood,
And instead of rolling back prices
I'm rolling back crisis after crisis,
Tipping bottle after bottle,
Only its getting harder to stay a float.
And I am drowning,
No, really, I am sinking like a rock,
Have you heard of the Titanic?
That's me.
And believe me there ain't no happy love scenes,
Cause I am alone
Sinking helplessly into the icey sea,
Slipping seemlessly into the darkness
Only to be escovated when the CO2 I produce is missed
And my silence turns up absent.
And I am cutting,
No, really I am slicing piecies of me,
Like a butcher I am chopping this woman into mince meat,
Hoping to beat new life into her,
With make-up, eyeliner, tweezers like knives,
Attempting to cut down cast eyes and upside down crescent moon shaped lips into a smile and delightful gaze.
Only to find myself sludging through the haze of my own blood when accidently slicing veins and arteries that feed my heart and my self-love.
And I am bleeding
No, really I am gushing.
Sitting in pools of my own viscera and mayheim
And it is only getting deeper.
So against the lifeguards warnings I climb up to the highest diving board
And I commit myself to falling to my mess
I complacently give up
Residing to just live in it because I couldn't study hard enough for this test.
And I am insecure,
No, really insecurity is my daily fit,
I reach into my closet and I clothe myself in it
Low self-esteem
And instead of sifting through hopes and dreams
I am digging through air brushed models and dirty magazines
I am taking limbs from manequins and replacing my own with plastic implants and silcone domes
I am leaping from airplanes of self-unacceptance without a parachute
And I am falling
No, really I am one mis-step from failing
I am holding a hand full of jokers and I at any moment I'll fold
And all you self-righteous bastards staring down your noses at me will say,
"We told you so"
And like my father's ancestors hauled on to ships sold into slavery my mother's lineage
I will sale myself short to poor theological manefestation and half-hearted inclinations
And I will thus be colonized by past indescretions finding sanctity in partial confessions
And there will be none of me left in my possession
They say sometimes things fall apart
But I am always falling apart
And if all the world is a stage I am its greatest actress
Cause I pick up my cross daily
No I pick up my mask daily
And with semi permanent marker on white board face I draw on a smile
And as you pass by I throw you an arbitrary glance
Cause I am a Christian
But really I am a hypocrite
And I wouldn't want you to know that I am a sinner and not a saint
So I live in spray painted surroundings and mirrages of what could be
If I would only let go and say "Hey world this is the real me and I am struggling"
No really I am suffering
No really I am teeter tottering on faith
But the Word says that whomever loves his life will lose
But whomever hates his life for me will save it
And I hate my life
No really I do
So, am I saved?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Adult
Whoa! I'm not an adult,
Put this train on hault,
Suddenly post 18 and everythings all my fault.
All this responsibility sometimes feels like hot boxin' in a car,
Gettin' as high as a kite off of
adult rights, beverages and legal life.
And other times its like a cage,
Hands and feet bound in chains,
Broken legs,
Yeah, I'm lame,
Lowered through a window lookin' at Jesus shoutin,
"Hey! Set me free."
Don't leave me
To my own devices
Cause reality is my choices will become my future vices.
My life feels like the civil war,
North and south unsure what we're figtin' for
Is it to end slavery
Grow and sale cotton or
To keep the union together
For the sake of prosperity
Livin in this capitalistic facade
Serach for my true identity
Nah! I'm not an adult
Realizing my selfish impulses put my development on hault,
Arrested in a palce where I have control,
But since I can't let go of this here facade
I'm dragged around by misguided decisions like a rag doll.
I know I'm wrong,
But gettin' smashed looks likes more fun from the start of the tunnel,
Strugglin' now to take all these opportunities and funnel
What's broken,
Yall see that perception is everything and nothin' at all,
And hey even adults fall.
Put this train on hault,
Suddenly post 18 and everythings all my fault.
All this responsibility sometimes feels like hot boxin' in a car,
Gettin' as high as a kite off of
adult rights, beverages and legal life.
And other times its like a cage,
Hands and feet bound in chains,
Broken legs,
Yeah, I'm lame,
Lowered through a window lookin' at Jesus shoutin,
"Hey! Set me free."
Don't leave me
To my own devices
Cause reality is my choices will become my future vices.
My life feels like the civil war,
North and south unsure what we're figtin' for
Is it to end slavery
Grow and sale cotton or
To keep the union together
For the sake of prosperity
Livin in this capitalistic facade
Serach for my true identity
Nah! I'm not an adult
Realizing my selfish impulses put my development on hault,
Arrested in a palce where I have control,
But since I can't let go of this here facade
I'm dragged around by misguided decisions like a rag doll.
I know I'm wrong,
But gettin' smashed looks likes more fun from the start of the tunnel,
Strugglin' now to take all these opportunities and funnel
What's broken,
Yall see that perception is everything and nothin' at all,
And hey even adults fall.
Truth and Lies
What’s a short fictional story if it makes someone feel good?
Especially when geared towards their desires it does what the truth could.
What’s a white lie or black lie?
Is there a difference?
I think there is and I’ll give you a short reference.
People say the truth will set you free,
But the question is, “To what?”
You told me stories and I believed you,
You were on my short list, one of the trusted few,
Not realizing your fibs are like McD’s,
By the end my heart said, “Please Supersize Me.”
My soul sits full of dissonance,
Truth and lie,
Good and evil,
Ying and yang,
Let’s flip a coin and take a chance.
Sometimes in life it seems like I walk hand-in-hand
With Jesus on the right
The devil on the left
All headed up by a New Orleans funeral band.
We dance merrily as we prance through the streets,
Masked of course,
Hidin’ this eerie beat,
But this music ain’t happy cause it’s a paradox,
And hold up that ain’t no hotel,
That looks like a body box.
So, I lean over to Jesus and ask,
“Did you really die up on that cross?”
Cause the truth is when these lies are converted
Imma be like rotten teeth needing much more than dental floss.
Imma need a cleanin’ from the Professional,
Cause this life has felt like a funeral processional.
These lies have left me dead inside,
I ain’t the quick or the dead,
I’m the livin’ dead.
I’ve been eatin’ poison,
History, music and magazines,
Parents, friends, teachers,
And even siblings.
Folks I never thought brought works with fictional lense,
All their words crash and burn takin’ my soul to a spiritual ends.
But I can’t blame it all on them,
That would be twisted,
Cause I too grabbed that fruit
And fed my mouth double fisted.
Somethin’ said, “This can’t be truth”
So open your mouth and ask for proof,
But I didn’t,
Cause truth be told these lies were like heroine to my soul.
Got me high as a kite, turned my skin pale white,
And when I came down I almost died from this lethal height.
It all feels so good at first,
Feedin’ this endless thirst,
But soon my stomach burst,
And the pain keeps getting’ worse.
All of a sudden the truth it reveals,
And it ain’t good like we think it should feel.
The truth sets you free to reality and sometimes it bites,
You find yourself sittin’ in a dark room prayin’ for any sign or light,
These lies are like my bed bugs and bite me in the night,
I cry,
Wishin’ I could go back in time and set it all right.
That said, here’s what I’ve been set free to,
I’ll forgive and say, “I love you.”
First to myself cause I’m not innocent,
Then I’ll turn to others and try to embrace this relational redevelopment.
I’d be liein’ if I said this doesn’t hurt,
But in movin’ forward I’m speakin’ truth
And sometimes it’s like eatin’ dirt.
There’ve been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep,
But now that I can feel the light I’m willin’ to take this leap.
When a wound heals it ain’t pretty,
And truth is folks can be sort of petty,
We’ve been infected for a long time,
Often our actions and words have no rhythm or rhyme,
But as these nerves return and this scar develops,
In grace and love I find my soul enveloped.
I am in pain right now,
And it hurts like hell,
But like the old hymn,
In the end,
I will say, “With my soul it is well.”
Like a recovering addict I’m lettin’ go,
And all together too often we’ve been set free
Holding on in fear,
But to what, I don’t know.
The truth has set me free,
It’s somethin’ closer to the real world I see,
So if I’m broken just let me be,
Only my Creator can fix me.
All that said,
Please don’t tell fictional stories just to make someone feel good.
We’re creatin’ addicts who are livin’ far less than they truly could.
And a lie is a lie no matter how you spin it,
You know the truth and it sometimes its hurts,
But let’s try livin’ in it.
Especially when geared towards their desires it does what the truth could.
What’s a white lie or black lie?
Is there a difference?
I think there is and I’ll give you a short reference.
People say the truth will set you free,
But the question is, “To what?”
You told me stories and I believed you,
You were on my short list, one of the trusted few,
Not realizing your fibs are like McD’s,
By the end my heart said, “Please Supersize Me.”
My soul sits full of dissonance,
Truth and lie,
Good and evil,
Ying and yang,
Let’s flip a coin and take a chance.
Sometimes in life it seems like I walk hand-in-hand
With Jesus on the right
The devil on the left
All headed up by a New Orleans funeral band.
We dance merrily as we prance through the streets,
Masked of course,
Hidin’ this eerie beat,
But this music ain’t happy cause it’s a paradox,
And hold up that ain’t no hotel,
That looks like a body box.
So, I lean over to Jesus and ask,
“Did you really die up on that cross?”
Cause the truth is when these lies are converted
Imma be like rotten teeth needing much more than dental floss.
Imma need a cleanin’ from the Professional,
Cause this life has felt like a funeral processional.
These lies have left me dead inside,
I ain’t the quick or the dead,
I’m the livin’ dead.
I’ve been eatin’ poison,
History, music and magazines,
Parents, friends, teachers,
And even siblings.
Folks I never thought brought works with fictional lense,
All their words crash and burn takin’ my soul to a spiritual ends.
But I can’t blame it all on them,
That would be twisted,
Cause I too grabbed that fruit
And fed my mouth double fisted.
Somethin’ said, “This can’t be truth”
So open your mouth and ask for proof,
But I didn’t,
Cause truth be told these lies were like heroine to my soul.
Got me high as a kite, turned my skin pale white,
And when I came down I almost died from this lethal height.
It all feels so good at first,
Feedin’ this endless thirst,
But soon my stomach burst,
And the pain keeps getting’ worse.
All of a sudden the truth it reveals,
And it ain’t good like we think it should feel.
The truth sets you free to reality and sometimes it bites,
You find yourself sittin’ in a dark room prayin’ for any sign or light,
These lies are like my bed bugs and bite me in the night,
I cry,
Wishin’ I could go back in time and set it all right.
That said, here’s what I’ve been set free to,
I’ll forgive and say, “I love you.”
First to myself cause I’m not innocent,
Then I’ll turn to others and try to embrace this relational redevelopment.
I’d be liein’ if I said this doesn’t hurt,
But in movin’ forward I’m speakin’ truth
And sometimes it’s like eatin’ dirt.
There’ve been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep,
But now that I can feel the light I’m willin’ to take this leap.
When a wound heals it ain’t pretty,
And truth is folks can be sort of petty,
We’ve been infected for a long time,
Often our actions and words have no rhythm or rhyme,
But as these nerves return and this scar develops,
In grace and love I find my soul enveloped.
I am in pain right now,
And it hurts like hell,
But like the old hymn,
In the end,
I will say, “With my soul it is well.”
Like a recovering addict I’m lettin’ go,
And all together too often we’ve been set free
Holding on in fear,
But to what, I don’t know.
The truth has set me free,
It’s somethin’ closer to the real world I see,
So if I’m broken just let me be,
Only my Creator can fix me.
All that said,
Please don’t tell fictional stories just to make someone feel good.
We’re creatin’ addicts who are livin’ far less than they truly could.
And a lie is a lie no matter how you spin it,
You know the truth and it sometimes its hurts,
But let’s try livin’ in it.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Free Write
I never thought that there would ever be a point where death seemed a better option than emotional pain and turmoil. We grow up reading these dramatic love stories and watching sappy movies often thinking, "How silly!" That said, from where where I stand now, the stories and movies seem no less silly, but also all the more truthful--at least in part.
I never had him, but I loved him. My heart is breaking, but not simply because of love lost or unrequited. So much has changed so quickly and it all seems so unfair. Lord, the turmoil you must have felt when your own creation, whom you not simply had but formed with your own hand, turned against You? I can see a small piece of how death became the only option. How deeply you must have loved us Lord, if I a mere human can feel so broken over people I never truly had to this point of realization.
How deep and wide is your love of LORD that You do not turn and run from us because of the the pain.
I never had him, but I loved him. My heart is breaking, but not simply because of love lost or unrequited. So much has changed so quickly and it all seems so unfair. Lord, the turmoil you must have felt when your own creation, whom you not simply had but formed with your own hand, turned against You? I can see a small piece of how death became the only option. How deeply you must have loved us Lord, if I a mere human can feel so broken over people I never truly had to this point of realization.
How deep and wide is your love of LORD that You do not turn and run from us because of the the pain.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Living Dead
No music.
No dramatic pause.
Just the nitty gritty and thus the end of an era.
The end of my life as I know it--knew it.
I didn't think I could go on like this,
But my empty vessel,
This corpse of a body will keep moving,
I am the living dead.
No dramatic pause.
Just the nitty gritty and thus the end of an era.
The end of my life as I know it--knew it.
I didn't think I could go on like this,
But my empty vessel,
This corpse of a body will keep moving,
I am the living dead.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Hear say is confusing...
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
++
(free write)
Knowing what you feel for me is hard.
Why would you tell someone else and not me?
Why would they tell me when you told them to keep it to themselves?
Can I trust what they say?
If it is true, I am afraid.
I am afraid that I may do something that will cause you to stop your feelings for me.
The things that we know can change us.
If you have not yet spoken the truth to me that means that we are not ready to be changed.
By simply knowing I have been changed.
What more will consequently be changed?
++
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
++
(free write)
Knowing what you feel for me is hard.
Why would you tell someone else and not me?
Why would they tell me when you told them to keep it to themselves?
Can I trust what they say?
If it is true, I am afraid.
I am afraid that I may do something that will cause you to stop your feelings for me.
The things that we know can change us.
If you have not yet spoken the truth to me that means that we are not ready to be changed.
By simply knowing I have been changed.
What more will consequently be changed?
++
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Free Write 12/26/2009
Love you from a distance isn't easy when I'm standing so close to you. To be honest, it is painful.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomac, full of butterflies, churns anxiously, anticipating the moment when you will leave.
Once you move from sight that hole returns. that gaping hole in teh center of my chest with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I want to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painful reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someon only to stand in the cold outside their front door unreceived.
Somtimes, like a mut, you crawl to their back door to partak of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied--still hungering, still thirsting for more--their love.
Yet still, without reserve you give yoruself over to them. Taking the pain of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holdign tight to emotions taht are only to be mentioned in drunken moment, called out in times whn no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. You are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarassment.
Why do you love given the circumstances?
You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world, our love is imperfect and often misdirected. Thus, there are tiems when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait.
I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn't easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this love, in time, will bring to fruition life's beauty.
Love.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomac, full of butterflies, churns anxiously, anticipating the moment when you will leave.
Once you move from sight that hole returns. that gaping hole in teh center of my chest with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I want to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painful reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someon only to stand in the cold outside their front door unreceived.
Somtimes, like a mut, you crawl to their back door to partak of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied--still hungering, still thirsting for more--their love.
Yet still, without reserve you give yoruself over to them. Taking the pain of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holdign tight to emotions taht are only to be mentioned in drunken moment, called out in times whn no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. You are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarassment.
Why do you love given the circumstances?
You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world, our love is imperfect and often misdirected. Thus, there are tiems when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait.
I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn't easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this love, in time, will bring to fruition life's beauty.
Love.
[Dear Love] 12/17/09
Dear Love,
This ain't the 1st time I've written you,
But you already know that.
I'm sure that your mailbox is pretty fat,
Fat like a bear in winter.
Letters just hybernatin',
Waitin' for you to respond.
But you, Love,
You're like waitin' for a court date.
You're PO and Lawyer assure you it's comin' soon,
But in your cell you wait and wait
For a sentence of hope not impending doom.
Usually your messages are far and few,
But every now and gain one comes like a car crash
and BOOM,
You are in LOVE.
Real talk though.
The last time you came to visit
You broke my favorite coffee mug,
You know teh one with the heart
That said, "L.O.V.E."
I let you use it cause
You were convinced it was your name,
But it wasn't for you,
You ain't got that much fame, I think,
Anyhow,
Your response was kind of lame,
Yous said,
"If you weren't just letting anyone use it
Might no have been so fragile,
So easily broken.
One more drop and BAM its gone.
That's your fault and I can't
Replace it.
Suppose you gonna have to pick up the pieces and
Face it.
But now that I think about it
You just might be right.
I suppose in themoment
Emotion Won
Got Defensive
Would rather fight.
So, Love,
When you get this letter,
Please forgive me
I've been careless
And now that
I'm broken reality
I see.
I'll do some work
a little healing
And next time you come around
Please,
Don't forget me.
Your always welcome
In your hometown of
H.E.A.R.T.
Sincerely, Yours
This ain't the 1st time I've written you,
But you already know that.
I'm sure that your mailbox is pretty fat,
Fat like a bear in winter.
Letters just hybernatin',
Waitin' for you to respond.
But you, Love,
You're like waitin' for a court date.
You're PO and Lawyer assure you it's comin' soon,
But in your cell you wait and wait
For a sentence of hope not impending doom.
Usually your messages are far and few,
But every now and gain one comes like a car crash
and BOOM,
You are in LOVE.
Real talk though.
The last time you came to visit
You broke my favorite coffee mug,
You know teh one with the heart
That said, "L.O.V.E."
I let you use it cause
You were convinced it was your name,
But it wasn't for you,
You ain't got that much fame, I think,
Anyhow,
Your response was kind of lame,
Yous said,
"If you weren't just letting anyone use it
Might no have been so fragile,
So easily broken.
One more drop and BAM its gone.
That's your fault and I can't
Replace it.
Suppose you gonna have to pick up the pieces and
Face it.
But now that I think about it
You just might be right.
I suppose in themoment
Emotion Won
Got Defensive
Would rather fight.
So, Love,
When you get this letter,
Please forgive me
I've been careless
And now that
I'm broken reality
I see.
I'll do some work
a little healing
And next time you come around
Please,
Don't forget me.
Your always welcome
In your hometown of
H.E.A.R.T.
Sincerely, Yours
Friday, January 8, 2010
True Love
As I sit and read the writing of young people in our programs I realize that we are all the same. We are all longing for love. We are all playing the game using all of the defensive and offensive techniques that we've watched from those who have come before us. We play the game in hopes of not being caught with our pants down. No one wants to be vulnerable because no one wants to get hurt. Unfortunatley, vulnerability is how we truly love.
Love isn't about emotion. Love isn't about catering to feelings of like or dislike. Love isn't about our flesh, these carnal desires. Love is about sacrifice. When you love someone you are willing to give up your own personal wants and desires when they aren't in the best interest for the one whom you desire.
Love isn't the stuff of Hollywood movies. True love is the stuff that we hide. Love is sometimes ugly. It is the grit and toil, the mundane of life, the things that we often don't want to do but should. Love isn't easy. You don't love if you want an easy life. You lust if you want a passion of ease. You lust if you want to be physically fulfilled, but truly lonely. You love if you want to be purposeful, if you want to care, if you want to hope, if you want to share, if you can accept struggle, if you aren't afraid of sacrifice. Love is beautiful, but sometimes the realities of it can be harsh, even ugly.
True love is sacrifice.
Love isn't about emotion. Love isn't about catering to feelings of like or dislike. Love isn't about our flesh, these carnal desires. Love is about sacrifice. When you love someone you are willing to give up your own personal wants and desires when they aren't in the best interest for the one whom you desire.
Love isn't the stuff of Hollywood movies. True love is the stuff that we hide. Love is sometimes ugly. It is the grit and toil, the mundane of life, the things that we often don't want to do but should. Love isn't easy. You don't love if you want an easy life. You lust if you want a passion of ease. You lust if you want to be physically fulfilled, but truly lonely. You love if you want to be purposeful, if you want to care, if you want to hope, if you want to share, if you can accept struggle, if you aren't afraid of sacrifice. Love is beautiful, but sometimes the realities of it can be harsh, even ugly.
True love is sacrifice.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
if only
if only my words could sway you
if only i could gather your love
gather it like daisies in a meadow
placing their yellow faces within my heart shaped vase
if only my love could open your eyes
if only i could show you
pulling away the drapes from your eyes
that you would see what i see
"if only" is a sad statement
because it only means "i can't"
++
its just one of those days...
this too shall pass
if only i could gather your love
gather it like daisies in a meadow
placing their yellow faces within my heart shaped vase
if only my love could open your eyes
if only i could show you
pulling away the drapes from your eyes
that you would see what i see
"if only" is a sad statement
because it only means "i can't"
++
its just one of those days...
this too shall pass
Sunday, January 3, 2010
From a Distance
Loving you from a distance isn’t easy when I’m standing so close to you.
To be honest, it is painful.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomach, full of butterflies, churns anxiously anticipating the moment when you will leave. Once you move from sight that hole returns. That gaping hole in the center of my chest reappears with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I wait to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painstaking reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someone only to stand in the cold outside their front door without receipt.
Sometimes, like a mutt, you crawl to their back door to partake of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied—still hungering, still thirsting for their love.
Yet still, without reserve, you give yourself over to them. Taking the hurt of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holding tight to emotions that are only to be mentioned in drunken moments. Called out in times when no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. There you are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarrassment.
Yet, you still love.
Why do you love given the circumstances? You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of true loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world our love is imperfect and often misdirected. There are times when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait. I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own, but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn’t easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this battle , in time, will bring to fruition life’s beauty—love.
To be honest, it is painful.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomach, full of butterflies, churns anxiously anticipating the moment when you will leave. Once you move from sight that hole returns. That gaping hole in the center of my chest reappears with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I wait to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painstaking reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someone only to stand in the cold outside their front door without receipt.
Sometimes, like a mutt, you crawl to their back door to partake of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied—still hungering, still thirsting for their love.
Yet still, without reserve, you give yourself over to them. Taking the hurt of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holding tight to emotions that are only to be mentioned in drunken moments. Called out in times when no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. There you are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarrassment.
Yet, you still love.
Why do you love given the circumstances? You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of true loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world our love is imperfect and often misdirected. There are times when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait. I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own, but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn’t easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this battle , in time, will bring to fruition life’s beauty—love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)