Free Write: Randomly Thoughtful

Sittin' in a room full of sinners and saints
Judged as delinquents, wearin' jumpers, caged.
But the only sinner I see is the one inside of me
Society, so blind, these angels they'll never see.

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Wishing we were on a beach
Feeling soft sand beneath my feet
Sunshine on my face
Replacing the dull with radiant grace

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Sunshine on my face in the dead of winter fills my soul with your golden goodness. These rays of light like arms lift me to a place that transcends the worry of the day. In the light of your love these nightmares become as fiments unseen. My darkness is disheveled with the pulling of drapes from eyes the windows to my soul enabling refreshing water to fill this empty cavern washing clean these cold stone walls of mud.

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Heard this before in a ten week class where my professor came garnished with a bow tie. How hard can it be? Open your mouth, speak, close your mouth, and move along. That said, i suppose practice makes permanent and ill-preparatino can leave you speechless hearing only the chatter of a crowd dismayed with yoru presentation. So, I'll disappear into the crevices of my mind inviting the characters of my imagination to come out to play until we finish.

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Monday.
I love Mondays!
A fresh start to old habits. a clean slate to demolish historical lists of to dos that sit upon my throne, a 6x4 desk decorated with keyboard, screen and phone. Yes, I have a phone. It has voicemail too. I'm really not that important. That said, I also have busness cards and a company email. While I'm not essential, I at least feel important and that makes all the difference. Well, it at least makes a difference on Monday.

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Do what I say and not as I do. My parents must have had this motto at some point. I don't think that believe as such anymore. Mauybe that is why I had a hard time listening. I think recently they've come to realize that I am not blind. I'm not deaf either, but my actions my have conveyed otherwise. Presently they talk a lot less and hide a lot more. One would think its because I'm older, but I honestly think it is because they are older and are tired of repeating theirselves and/exhausted from defending theirselves.

Free Write: Somtimes Things Vibe

Sometimes things vibe.
Sometimes their are no vibes just the reverberation of feelings and emotions left unarticulated and thus unrequited.

I hate reverb, but it is so telling of what is going on beneath the surface. The messages of sound waves unseen, but suddenly heard can be shocking. The impact of that shock can be dynamic and/or detrimental. It really just depends on the house and what damage is sustained. If the damage is catastrophic will you rebuild or simply move on? What if the damage appears minimal and you repair but years from now it is found unfit, have you wasted your time?

Sometimes things vibe.
Other times things seriously vibrate, no, seriously shake like an earthquake.
I am waiting for the ground to stop moving beneath my feet, but until it does I will come out from under this table, climb on top and ride this shock like a wave. I know its dangerous, but I am willing to take the risk. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words can ever scar me. Am I too blind to see the signs? Am I waiting in vain?

Sometimes things vibe.
Today there was no vibe.
A ten minute car ride left me feeling helpless, no, hopeless. Clinging to you the way a hungry child clings to their mother's breast. Pining for the smallest amount of redemption in our conversation. That said your subtle defenses leave me hurt and yearning for your approval, no, your recognition that everything is better than fine. Many have the power to upset me, but only you have the power to hurt. Ignorance, no, a lack of desire to see enables me to overlook your sly remarks for the time, but they will bite me in my sleep. Your words are my bed bugs and your lack of action the essence of my nightmares.

Sometimes things vibe, but today you shook me empty.

Random Free Write 120209

I can't believe that it is already December. Just yesterday it was June. The obvious time disparity would explain why I am so damn tired.

I can barely believe that it has been nearly two years since I graduated from college. Evenmore I can barely believe that I have been living in Seattle for nearly six years. Six years is a long time. I thought for sure that I would be off galavating around the world by now. That was my dream. I suppse this gypsy found something/someone she loves more than adventure or maybe she has just found the adventure of a lifetime. RELATIONSHIP(s).

I am so disappointed about my trip to NYC...cancelled.

I am completely blown away by Mother's generosity...she bought me a plane ticket for later in the month. That is one of the nicest things she has ever done for me.

There are these two rocks on my desk from summer 2007. In the center of one is written the word "mana" aka "manu" meaning "what is this?" in Hebrew. The other "love". Make of it what you will. There is a sermon in there somewhere.

Sermon.

What am I going to talk about FUZE next Tuesday?

I was thinking...

The Real Birth Story---all the scandalous details...

Free writing sucks tonight. I have too many thoughts and not enough mental energy to make them coherent.

TOP THREE WORDS TODAY... "I WANT YOU"