I chuckle at how my last entry was about taking walks.
We stopped taking walks not long after that post. A matter of fact, we didn't go on anymore walks at all. Funny how quickly life changes.
Lately, in my poetry, I have been speaking generally about past pain and present hope. Delving into the fray that grays the edges of our lives. The way inwhich past choices and future opportunities somehow touch regardless of how relentlessly we may try to seperate them.
I try not to live a life with much regret. However, there are choices, in retrospect, that I would like to do-over. Then I stop and sit with the life lessons and realize that while a do-over is not an option application is certainly optional. The choice to apply or not to allows us to step into that redeemable space. Future choices can give purpose to past mistakes, if we are willing to apply. I find that this often frees me from regret.
I've also been pondering the manner inwhich I regret those choices that have relational impact above those that have other types of impact. These struggles tend to be accompanied by a perceived guilt and shame and I am left wondering, "Does anybody know? Can anybody see?"
Just some food for thought.
I have no answers and lack conclusions.
I will be posting some new pieces in the near future.
"I went to bed last night with life's worries. While I was sleeping they gave birth to new thoughts. When I woke I dressed them and sent them off to school. They will likely return in the evening grown back into life's worries and there they will find me sleeping."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Excited & Exhausted
I have nearly completed 3 full weeks at Seattle Urban Academy and I am both exhausted and excited! There are so many bright and powerful youth who grace the grounds of this school every day, but they are so lost. They are disjointed from the God who loves them, living in a community that isn’t sure how to value them and all while searching for a hope that they know exists but are afraid to accept.
They challenge and push and prod all day long and I know it is because they are seeking after a great many things such as: healing, hope, value, their identity, safety, home, comfort… The list goes on and on.
I pray that God gives me a discerning spirit. One that is able to say the right thing at the right time and do the right thing when it is required. I need a humility that can admit when I am wrong and when I don’t know. I need a heart that bleeds for God’s young people. Most importantly, I need faith and trust that is sovereign and working for the good of those who love God.
I pray that God gives our youth peace and bold spirits to puruse what their hearts truly desire. I pray that they have eyes to see beyond the static and ears to hear what lives in the disonance. I pray that they discover their passion, purpose and identity in Christ.
I know that God is good and in control even when things seem crazy and off-center.
They challenge and push and prod all day long and I know it is because they are seeking after a great many things such as: healing, hope, value, their identity, safety, home, comfort… The list goes on and on.
I pray that God gives me a discerning spirit. One that is able to say the right thing at the right time and do the right thing when it is required. I need a humility that can admit when I am wrong and when I don’t know. I need a heart that bleeds for God’s young people. Most importantly, I need faith and trust that is sovereign and working for the good of those who love God.
I pray that God gives our youth peace and bold spirits to puruse what their hearts truly desire. I pray that they have eyes to see beyond the static and ears to hear what lives in the disonance. I pray that they discover their passion, purpose and identity in Christ.
I know that God is good and in control even when things seem crazy and off-center.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Walks
We take walks.
We stroll along the sidewalks of life making noise like heartbeats with the pitter patter of our feet against the pavement of our emotions.
I am loyal and quickly committed to your simplicity and quirky temperament,
So I temper my thoughts with the dampening of myself
If you know me too fast I feel connected and so I hide behind walls painted with facades through which only Jesus goes
Otherwise this broken heart shows and this spirit glows and I trust you, you love me and suddenly we are paused in place with no pursuit
Friendship is easier to procure and less risky, you aren’t likely to lose
So we choose more walks with longer sidewalks until neither of us know what this is
We stroll along the sidewalks of life making noise like heartbeats with the pitter patter of our feet against the pavement of our emotions.
I am loyal and quickly committed to your simplicity and quirky temperament,
So I temper my thoughts with the dampening of myself
If you know me too fast I feel connected and so I hide behind walls painted with facades through which only Jesus goes
Otherwise this broken heart shows and this spirit glows and I trust you, you love me and suddenly we are paused in place with no pursuit
Friendship is easier to procure and less risky, you aren’t likely to lose
So we choose more walks with longer sidewalks until neither of us know what this is
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Cry Out!
Dear Friends and Family,
The past few months have been an incredible roller coaster of excitement with my job, church and life transitions galore! Throughout it all God has been incredibly faithful to not only sustain me, but to provide me new vision for the direction of my life and career. I am excited to share with you where God is leading me.
Nearly 2 years ago I met a wonderful couple, Celestine and Tara Ezinkwo. They moved from Los Angeles to Seattle by God’s leading to build Cry Out! a faith based non-profit located in Renton, WA. Cry Out! exist to develop youth leaders and pursue justice for those who are oppressed in their communities, their cities and the world. Cry Out! uses creative platforms such as music, dance, arts and workshops focused on life and creative skills to empower the youth. Cry Out! seeks to encourage and empower young people to use their God given freedom to seek justice for the oppressed to cry out for justice. It is a powerful ministry that is growing rapidly in the heart of Renton.
Over the past few years I have been asking God, “How can I use my passion for the Arts in tandem with my love of young people and experience in Christian Community Development?” The time has come and God has answered! As of July 1, 2011 I will begin raising support to become a full-time staff member with Cry Out!. This is an exciting move of faith, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. As afull-time staff member at Cry Out! I will focus on Arts program development,school-based service and ministry,Arts workshops,and a continued to commitmentto youth at the King County Youth Detention Center.
I know God is calling me to join CryOut! in reaching the youth for Christ through the Arts, but before becoming a full time staff member, I need to raise 3,000 dollars in monthly support to cover my cost of living in order to focus on full time ministry. Would you prayerfully consider joining my support team financially by giving $25, $50, $75, $100 or any other amount each month? For example, if only 30 people join my support team by giving 100 dollars a month that would cover my 3,000 dollars in monthly support. Please join me in this journey of faith and outreach to the spiritually and materially poor through CryOut!. I’ve included an insert with further information of how you can become a ministry partner. Thank you for your interest!
Lastly, attached to this email is the Cry Out! brochure and my support card. For more information on CryOut! please visit www.cryout.net If you would like to set-up a time to chat further about Cry Out! and my move let me know. I would love to share coffee/tea or a meal with you!
In God’s Hands,
Nikkita Oliver
The past few months have been an incredible roller coaster of excitement with my job, church and life transitions galore! Throughout it all God has been incredibly faithful to not only sustain me, but to provide me new vision for the direction of my life and career. I am excited to share with you where God is leading me.
Nearly 2 years ago I met a wonderful couple, Celestine and Tara Ezinkwo. They moved from Los Angeles to Seattle by God’s leading to build Cry Out! a faith based non-profit located in Renton, WA. Cry Out! exist to develop youth leaders and pursue justice for those who are oppressed in their communities, their cities and the world. Cry Out! uses creative platforms such as music, dance, arts and workshops focused on life and creative skills to empower the youth. Cry Out! seeks to encourage and empower young people to use their God given freedom to seek justice for the oppressed to cry out for justice. It is a powerful ministry that is growing rapidly in the heart of Renton.
Over the past few years I have been asking God, “How can I use my passion for the Arts in tandem with my love of young people and experience in Christian Community Development?” The time has come and God has answered! As of July 1, 2011 I will begin raising support to become a full-time staff member with Cry Out!. This is an exciting move of faith, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. As afull-time staff member at Cry Out! I will focus on Arts program development,school-based service and ministry,Arts workshops,and a continued to commitmentto youth at the King County Youth Detention Center.
I know God is calling me to join CryOut! in reaching the youth for Christ through the Arts, but before becoming a full time staff member, I need to raise 3,000 dollars in monthly support to cover my cost of living in order to focus on full time ministry. Would you prayerfully consider joining my support team financially by giving $25, $50, $75, $100 or any other amount each month? For example, if only 30 people join my support team by giving 100 dollars a month that would cover my 3,000 dollars in monthly support. Please join me in this journey of faith and outreach to the spiritually and materially poor through CryOut!. I’ve included an insert with further information of how you can become a ministry partner. Thank you for your interest!
Lastly, attached to this email is the Cry Out! brochure and my support card. For more information on CryOut! please visit www.cryout.net If you would like to set-up a time to chat further about Cry Out! and my move let me know. I would love to share coffee/tea or a meal with you!
In God’s Hands,
Nikkita Oliver
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Ezekiel 37 - Dry Bones
I think God may have revealed to me the biblical basis for why I do spoken word... more thoughts to come.
Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The hand of the LORD was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign LORD, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.’”
One Nation Under One King
15 The word of the LORD came to me: 16 “Son of man, take a stick of wood and write on it, ‘Belonging to Judah and the Israelites associated with him.’ Then take another stick of wood, and write on it, ‘Belonging to Joseph (that is, to Ephraim) and all the Israelites associated with him.’ 17 Join them together into one stick so that they will become one in your hand.
18 “When your people ask you, ‘Won’t you tell us what you mean by this?’ 19 say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am going to take the stick of Joseph—which is in Ephraim’s hand—and of the Israelite tribes associated with him, and join it to Judah’s stick. I will make them into a single stick of wood, and they will become one in my hand.’ 20 Hold before their eyes the sticks you have written on 21 and say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will take the Israelites out of the nations where they have gone. I will gather them from all around and bring them back into their own land. 22 I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel. There will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms. 23 They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding,[b] and I will cleanse them. They will be my people, and I will be their God.
24 “‘My servant David will be king over them, and they will all have one shepherd. They will follow my laws and be careful to keep my decrees. 25 They will live in the land I gave to my servant Jacob, the land where your ancestors lived. They and their children and their children’s children will live there forever, and David my servant will be their prince forever. 26 I will make a covenant of peace with them; it will be an everlasting covenant. I will establish them and increase their numbers, and I will put my sanctuary among them forever. 27 My dwelling place will be with them; I will be their God, and they will be my people. 28 Then the nations will know that I the LORD make Israel holy, when my sanctuary is among them forever.’”
Footnotes:
Ezekiel 37:5 The Hebrew for this word can also mean wind or spirit (see verses 6-14).
Ezekiel 37:23 Many Hebrew manuscripts (see also Septuagint); most Hebrew manuscripts all their dwelling places where they sinned
Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The hand of the LORD was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign LORD, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.’”
One Nation Under One King
15 The word of the LORD came to me: 16 “Son of man, take a stick of wood and write on it, ‘Belonging to Judah and the Israelites associated with him.’ Then take another stick of wood, and write on it, ‘Belonging to Joseph (that is, to Ephraim) and all the Israelites associated with him.’ 17 Join them together into one stick so that they will become one in your hand.
18 “When your people ask you, ‘Won’t you tell us what you mean by this?’ 19 say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am going to take the stick of Joseph—which is in Ephraim’s hand—and of the Israelite tribes associated with him, and join it to Judah’s stick. I will make them into a single stick of wood, and they will become one in my hand.’ 20 Hold before their eyes the sticks you have written on 21 and say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will take the Israelites out of the nations where they have gone. I will gather them from all around and bring them back into their own land. 22 I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel. There will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms. 23 They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding,[b] and I will cleanse them. They will be my people, and I will be their God.
24 “‘My servant David will be king over them, and they will all have one shepherd. They will follow my laws and be careful to keep my decrees. 25 They will live in the land I gave to my servant Jacob, the land where your ancestors lived. They and their children and their children’s children will live there forever, and David my servant will be their prince forever. 26 I will make a covenant of peace with them; it will be an everlasting covenant. I will establish them and increase their numbers, and I will put my sanctuary among them forever. 27 My dwelling place will be with them; I will be their God, and they will be my people. 28 Then the nations will know that I the LORD make Israel holy, when my sanctuary is among them forever.’”
Footnotes:
Ezekiel 37:5 The Hebrew for this word can also mean wind or spirit (see verses 6-14).
Ezekiel 37:23 Many Hebrew manuscripts (see also Septuagint); most Hebrew manuscripts all their dwelling places where they sinned
Friday, June 24, 2011
Ima Sucka
If being in love is for suckas then I’m the blue kind with the bubble gum center.
My heart feels like it was slammed in a car door like a finger
This pain it lingers
Like I’m stuck in traffic, it’s a parking lot
The conversation between my heart and my head where my mind tells my soul to slow down before it winds up dead obliterated by this game we call love
It’ll drive you insane and send you off on the wings of a dove
To be attack by an eagle and shat out into the sound
Where a fish will swallow it up never again to be found
That is what loving you will do to me
And that’s the terrifying part of giving it up
Not giving IT up
Giving love up to you
You see cause I’m a sucka for a good romance
That slow dance
Where two bodies move as one finding the rhythm and groove in the journey of our feet along this melodic path turning obstacles into harmonies
And naysayers into falicies
Our love reigns victoriously
Until an opposing King or Queen shouts “Off with her head”
And suddeny our love is dead
And here I am back in bed
Burying this decapitated stone into wet pillows soiled with the pieces of my broken heart and the romances with guys that barely start
Aside from the drawn out DTRs that happen in my head where I can’t remember if the “I love you” line was mine or his
Loving you is rarely fair
Rarely fair trade
It is bought and sold in this capitalistic system
Trampled and pist on
By every guy who thought he got close enough to determine that he didn’t like what he could see
But left me to deal with his nearness and the feelings I was experiencing
Christian men, you all seem to function the same,
Telling me to guard my heart but you neglect your call to protecting
Instead you are reaping and picking, selecting and dissecting
Until you find the one you want keeping
But you don’t see what you have sewn
In your wake we’re left reaping your take
Until our hearts grow fake pressed in with a stake
Turned into movies like black women’s diaries
So fire me or sue me but just don’t consume me
I’m a sucka for love the blue kind with the bubble gum center
My heart feels like it was slammed in a car door like a finger
This pain it lingers
Like I’m stuck in traffic, it’s a parking lot
The conversation between my heart and my head where my mind tells my soul to slow down before it winds up dead obliterated by this game we call love
It’ll drive you insane and send you off on the wings of a dove
To be attack by an eagle and shat out into the sound
Where a fish will swallow it up never again to be found
That is what loving you will do to me
And that’s the terrifying part of giving it up
Not giving IT up
Giving love up to you
You see cause I’m a sucka for a good romance
That slow dance
Where two bodies move as one finding the rhythm and groove in the journey of our feet along this melodic path turning obstacles into harmonies
And naysayers into falicies
Our love reigns victoriously
Until an opposing King or Queen shouts “Off with her head”
And suddeny our love is dead
And here I am back in bed
Burying this decapitated stone into wet pillows soiled with the pieces of my broken heart and the romances with guys that barely start
Aside from the drawn out DTRs that happen in my head where I can’t remember if the “I love you” line was mine or his
Loving you is rarely fair
Rarely fair trade
It is bought and sold in this capitalistic system
Trampled and pist on
By every guy who thought he got close enough to determine that he didn’t like what he could see
But left me to deal with his nearness and the feelings I was experiencing
Christian men, you all seem to function the same,
Telling me to guard my heart but you neglect your call to protecting
Instead you are reaping and picking, selecting and dissecting
Until you find the one you want keeping
But you don’t see what you have sewn
In your wake we’re left reaping your take
Until our hearts grow fake pressed in with a stake
Turned into movies like black women’s diaries
So fire me or sue me but just don’t consume me
I’m a sucka for love the blue kind with the bubble gum center
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Free Write: Knot in the pit of my stomach...
Knot in the pit of my stomach why must you persists?
The tightness is confining and my eyes cannot resist the need to create release through tears held back by fears shouting out, "The people might see"
They might see that I am not as strong as I pretend to be
My legs are jittery
I am proned to running
I have had this itch like a twitch in my limbs for far too many years
But my will is stronger than it used to be so I stay longer than I was intending
Rendering the deepening of roots of this tree that are preventing me from retreating
Creating a boundary that feels more homely and yet I am all the more lonely
Conforming to this hurting its unearthing this ugly while I set in the corner of my mind struggling shaking and quaking raking and staking the land of my soul trying to claim it as my own with this name that is borrowed and this sight that is narrowed and a prophesy that's furrowed into my future dreams it seems they are transforming and I am hoping this knot it'll cease so that life can persists a little more free
The tightness is confining and my eyes cannot resist the need to create release through tears held back by fears shouting out, "The people might see"
They might see that I am not as strong as I pretend to be
My legs are jittery
I am proned to running
I have had this itch like a twitch in my limbs for far too many years
But my will is stronger than it used to be so I stay longer than I was intending
Rendering the deepening of roots of this tree that are preventing me from retreating
Creating a boundary that feels more homely and yet I am all the more lonely
Conforming to this hurting its unearthing this ugly while I set in the corner of my mind struggling shaking and quaking raking and staking the land of my soul trying to claim it as my own with this name that is borrowed and this sight that is narrowed and a prophesy that's furrowed into my future dreams it seems they are transforming and I am hoping this knot it'll cease so that life can persists a little more free
Monday, June 20, 2011
Here's to the Throwbacks...
Here’s to the throwbacks…
To hot cousins and naïve friends,
To 1st kisses & hits & misses,
To missing friends and friends gone missing,
To the guys who never call and the girls who always fall,
To the moments we cherish and the moments that teach us how to cherish,
To the one who taught you how to drink and the drink that taught you you’ve had enough,
To the one who taught you how to think and the thought that set you free,
Gone head and hang tough (keep yo’ head up),
To the father and the absentee to the mother who tried be both he and she you were the best that you could be,
And to my Riders,
Yeah, my RODs, the one’s who aren’t afraid to tell me when my shit/stuff stinks…
This one’s for you.
Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and the should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this one’s for you my long distant lover the way you hover sends shivers down my spine,
And yet we found in time that you were not given to rhythm or rhyme so I had to let you go because I’m partial to the flow.
Here’s to the cries for Daddy that still persist and the walls that help me to resist the pain,
To late night conversation and averted confrontations,
To long runs in the rain down on me let your love just fall like rain drops and pick-up trucks in the Indiana heat,
Hot cement beneath my feat runnin’ to the pool to get cool while guys like LL stand on the corner lickin’ their lips at fine women rockin’ their daisy dukes and shakin’ their hips in the “summer summer summer” time.
Cause I know that’s right,
Playing outside with the setting sun until the streets light come on,
Welcoming the night for what its worth,
Sitting on our bikes hidden on porches making prank calls telling our mom’s were staying at such and such’s home because we hate our own and I’d rather be with the block boys than be alone,
All the while thinking “how did we get here” cause nobody’s supposed be here,
But here is where we stood and there is where we promised to save our hood,
That we would give ourselves over for the common good cause Vacation Bible School in the summer made us feel like we should and urban missionaries told us we could have more if we wanted it we just gotta be good and since only Jesus can saves us we party through the weekend and go to church on Sunday
Monday we’re back to the grind until Friday comes and he messed with her and she messed with him and he messed she and she got with him,
She had 3 babies by the age of 14
He was in jail before he could even think
He was shot and killed before he met 18
He learned to deal and she learned to read
And she committed to the get the hell up out here
Got into those college test and said never again will I be up in this mess,
But these thoughts they persist and I’m lost in distress dislodged in egress,
Throwbacks that come back in memories and flashbacks set off by the right scents moments like movies that make you laugh and then lead you to repent
Cause I remember,
Looking into each other’s souls like mirrors wanting for something more ding dong ditchin’ on every door searching for love in all the wrong places and hiding our hearts in all the wrong the spaces knowing the scars disfigurin’ our faces and slashes on hearts only hope can resurface and its no wonder we didn’t all make it through this
So here’s to the throwbacks…
To all the little one’s that live in fear
To the boys who pack heat until their hearts are seared
To the girls who give in because they want them boys to care
To the grandma who preaches throughout the years,
Big Mama your words did not fall on deaf ears
To the mother who cries and tries and perseveres
To the father, my daddy, who hurts, your pain is sincere I know if you could you’d love to be here.
Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this is not the end though the moments may feels as if they are suspended in animation this is no forever situation we will move beyond the momentary irritation and be better for it
So release the flood gates our souls need irrigation for hope we cry out in lamentation cause we know its true, only Jesus can save us
So here’s to the throwbacks of cracked sidewalks where roses appear red elegance its beauty instills hope where there was fear that even where there’s ugly beauty will appear
So bloom my block boys and bloom my block girls these throwback they grow back to move forward overcoming the years
To hot cousins and naïve friends,
To 1st kisses & hits & misses,
To missing friends and friends gone missing,
To the guys who never call and the girls who always fall,
To the moments we cherish and the moments that teach us how to cherish,
To the one who taught you how to drink and the drink that taught you you’ve had enough,
To the one who taught you how to think and the thought that set you free,
Gone head and hang tough (keep yo’ head up),
To the father and the absentee to the mother who tried be both he and she you were the best that you could be,
And to my Riders,
Yeah, my RODs, the one’s who aren’t afraid to tell me when my shit/stuff stinks…
This one’s for you.
Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and the should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this one’s for you my long distant lover the way you hover sends shivers down my spine,
And yet we found in time that you were not given to rhythm or rhyme so I had to let you go because I’m partial to the flow.
Here’s to the cries for Daddy that still persist and the walls that help me to resist the pain,
To late night conversation and averted confrontations,
To long runs in the rain down on me let your love just fall like rain drops and pick-up trucks in the Indiana heat,
Hot cement beneath my feat runnin’ to the pool to get cool while guys like LL stand on the corner lickin’ their lips at fine women rockin’ their daisy dukes and shakin’ their hips in the “summer summer summer” time.
Cause I know that’s right,
Playing outside with the setting sun until the streets light come on,
Welcoming the night for what its worth,
Sitting on our bikes hidden on porches making prank calls telling our mom’s were staying at such and such’s home because we hate our own and I’d rather be with the block boys than be alone,
All the while thinking “how did we get here” cause nobody’s supposed be here,
But here is where we stood and there is where we promised to save our hood,
That we would give ourselves over for the common good cause Vacation Bible School in the summer made us feel like we should and urban missionaries told us we could have more if we wanted it we just gotta be good and since only Jesus can saves us we party through the weekend and go to church on Sunday
Monday we’re back to the grind until Friday comes and he messed with her and she messed with him and he messed she and she got with him,
She had 3 babies by the age of 14
He was in jail before he could even think
He was shot and killed before he met 18
He learned to deal and she learned to read
And she committed to the get the hell up out here
Got into those college test and said never again will I be up in this mess,
But these thoughts they persist and I’m lost in distress dislodged in egress,
Throwbacks that come back in memories and flashbacks set off by the right scents moments like movies that make you laugh and then lead you to repent
Cause I remember,
Looking into each other’s souls like mirrors wanting for something more ding dong ditchin’ on every door searching for love in all the wrong places and hiding our hearts in all the wrong the spaces knowing the scars disfigurin’ our faces and slashes on hearts only hope can resurface and its no wonder we didn’t all make it through this
So here’s to the throwbacks…
To all the little one’s that live in fear
To the boys who pack heat until their hearts are seared
To the girls who give in because they want them boys to care
To the grandma who preaches throughout the years,
Big Mama your words did not fall on deaf ears
To the mother who cries and tries and perseveres
To the father, my daddy, who hurts, your pain is sincere I know if you could you’d love to be here.
Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this is not the end though the moments may feels as if they are suspended in animation this is no forever situation we will move beyond the momentary irritation and be better for it
So release the flood gates our souls need irrigation for hope we cry out in lamentation cause we know its true, only Jesus can save us
So here’s to the throwbacks of cracked sidewalks where roses appear red elegance its beauty instills hope where there was fear that even where there’s ugly beauty will appear
So bloom my block boys and bloom my block girls these throwback they grow back to move forward overcoming the years
Justice Trust This
singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
You see my people we’re getting lazy and our sight is getting hazy where there is no vision we will perish and die
We live in a world without real lovers our hate it hides and hovers over mask we’re too afraid to cry
So we give in to our frustration complacent our situation my people I implore you to give one love a try
To cry out for justice cause our children trust us and we’ve got to bust this open wide its time
Time
Time to set the captive free
No more will poor education be our noose and tree
We’ll find hope in our unwritten histories the things they’re to afraid to teach us
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Not a secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beat us
Repeat us in the same old chains doing the same ol’ thang playing the same ol’ games until we go insane
We are filled we rage
We stand inflamed
I will not be caged
I will break this chains
Its time to turn this page
singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this it for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this it for Osama
I was walkin’ down the street the other day when injustice approached and walked by my way
At first I was confused I didn’t know what to say cause usually I’d turn around and walk the other way
But today it was different I refused to be the same I picked up my voice that had sat in decay I
Re-recorded new message pressed play the whole street moved and started to sway
The people came out and they began to sing
Injustice was afraid and couldn’t believe how humanity began unifying because of one small voice that decided to sing
Injustice felt sad and started crying and I know that its bad but I was kind of happy to see this bully a broken being and then I felt pain and I fell to my knees
A bright light began sternly speaking, get off your high horse remove the label and see that injustice is justice in human frailty and both of them are living in the blood of your being
So I reflected saw the proof in the truth how human hands were the cause of living uncouth
Actions and decisions missing precision in love
So I turned to injustice and I give it a hug
And suddenly like magically it just appeared one love it cried out when we gave up fear
Injustice stood up and shed a tear and decided it was time for a new career
Changed its name to just justice and grew strong and gladly one love became our hearts song
And we learned that anyone and anything can change we just got to have the courage to remove the chains
singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone to pursue from me to you
It’s the choice not to live violent
The choice not to be silent in the midst of it all
It is not limited or defined by our melonin but it cannot be enacted without the human
This justice trust this for everyone to pursue from me to you
So what are we going to do?
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
You see my people we’re getting lazy and our sight is getting hazy where there is no vision we will perish and die
We live in a world without real lovers our hate it hides and hovers over mask we’re too afraid to cry
So we give in to our frustration complacent our situation my people I implore you to give one love a try
To cry out for justice cause our children trust us and we’ve got to bust this open wide its time
Time
Time to set the captive free
No more will poor education be our noose and tree
We’ll find hope in our unwritten histories the things they’re to afraid to teach us
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Not a secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beat us
Repeat us in the same old chains doing the same ol’ thang playing the same ol’ games until we go insane
We are filled we rage
We stand inflamed
I will not be caged
I will break this chains
Its time to turn this page
singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this it for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this it for Osama
I was walkin’ down the street the other day when injustice approached and walked by my way
At first I was confused I didn’t know what to say cause usually I’d turn around and walk the other way
But today it was different I refused to be the same I picked up my voice that had sat in decay I
Re-recorded new message pressed play the whole street moved and started to sway
The people came out and they began to sing
Injustice was afraid and couldn’t believe how humanity began unifying because of one small voice that decided to sing
Injustice felt sad and started crying and I know that its bad but I was kind of happy to see this bully a broken being and then I felt pain and I fell to my knees
A bright light began sternly speaking, get off your high horse remove the label and see that injustice is justice in human frailty and both of them are living in the blood of your being
So I reflected saw the proof in the truth how human hands were the cause of living uncouth
Actions and decisions missing precision in love
So I turned to injustice and I give it a hug
And suddenly like magically it just appeared one love it cried out when we gave up fear
Injustice stood up and shed a tear and decided it was time for a new career
Changed its name to just justice and grew strong and gladly one love became our hearts song
And we learned that anyone and anything can change we just got to have the courage to remove the chains
singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone to pursue from me to you
It’s the choice not to live violent
The choice not to be silent in the midst of it all
It is not limited or defined by our melonin but it cannot be enacted without the human
This justice trust this for everyone to pursue from me to you
So what are we going to do?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Free Write: Based on Last Word
This countertop is cold
Cold like the look I gave you when I told you to go
Go away from here
Here is where you left me
Me, a word I say too often
Often I find myself standing in a room with no walls but obvious boundaries
Boundaries is what my heart needs to keep it inside this flesh, you see
Seeing is believing but what if you are blind
Blind to the World
The World can be so cold
Cold like the look I gave you when I told you to go
Go away from here
Here is where you left me
Me, a word I say too often
Often I find myself standing in a room with no walls but obvious boundaries
Boundaries is what my heart needs to keep it inside this flesh, you see
Seeing is believing but what if you are blind
Blind to the World
The World can be so cold
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Generally Speaking...
Generally speaking this website hasn't gotten much play lately. It has been slightly overshadowed by the handiness of a notebook and pen that can go everywhere with me versus a computer and internet that is really only functional in sedentary places.
As of late, I have been feeling a lot like I am chasing the sun/Son. Clearly, that cannot be so. My brain tells me that the sun/Son has been chasing me, and so I akwardly cock my head backwards to try to catch a glimpse of the rays but they remain unseen. To me at least.
More often than not I am confused and conflicted. My heart and mind simoultaneously abuse each other. Productivity is low and in the heat of this unruly adventure I sweat profusely...waiting for my deodorant to kick-in...or give out. This is the anxiety talking; causing me to feel like I cannot do enough, give enough, be enough.
Feeling as if I am forever reaching behind my ears hoping to change the tapes that have been playing since birth. They are not good enough. At times I listen. They tell me I'm not good enough and the battle ensues. It is usually easier to listen to them in complacency than it is continue pushing forward for their changing. On any account, I know that they are not the right casettes and so I will keep reaching until I can change them.
I am not afraid though. This is what causes me to believe Your not chasing me. It pushes me to trust that You are in me. Walking with me. I am not alone.
In this moment I pick up a mental stone. No, not to chuck or throw, to lay down. To build a memorial. To remember that there are times when I find peace and ease despite the complexity and pain of the world around me.
My Mother used to say, "Let go and let God."
When I have children I will say, "Let God. Trust God. God will do whatever God wants whether you are holding on or not. Letting go just may make it easier and little less painful. That said, in the end God works for the good of those who love God."
It'll take a lot longer to say, but it might be a little more descriptive.
No less easier said. And of course, no more easier done.
As of late, I have been feeling a lot like I am chasing the sun/Son. Clearly, that cannot be so. My brain tells me that the sun/Son has been chasing me, and so I akwardly cock my head backwards to try to catch a glimpse of the rays but they remain unseen. To me at least.
More often than not I am confused and conflicted. My heart and mind simoultaneously abuse each other. Productivity is low and in the heat of this unruly adventure I sweat profusely...waiting for my deodorant to kick-in...or give out. This is the anxiety talking; causing me to feel like I cannot do enough, give enough, be enough.
Feeling as if I am forever reaching behind my ears hoping to change the tapes that have been playing since birth. They are not good enough. At times I listen. They tell me I'm not good enough and the battle ensues. It is usually easier to listen to them in complacency than it is continue pushing forward for their changing. On any account, I know that they are not the right casettes and so I will keep reaching until I can change them.
I am not afraid though. This is what causes me to believe Your not chasing me. It pushes me to trust that You are in me. Walking with me. I am not alone.
In this moment I pick up a mental stone. No, not to chuck or throw, to lay down. To build a memorial. To remember that there are times when I find peace and ease despite the complexity and pain of the world around me.
My Mother used to say, "Let go and let God."
When I have children I will say, "Let God. Trust God. God will do whatever God wants whether you are holding on or not. Letting go just may make it easier and little less painful. That said, in the end God works for the good of those who love God."
It'll take a lot longer to say, but it might be a little more descriptive.
No less easier said. And of course, no more easier done.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sometimes it just helps to admit that something hurts you.
If you are anything like me, you try not admit any amount of hurt. Even if you admit fault, you never want anyone to think that they had, let alone have, the power to hurt you.
For 7 years, over 1/4 of my life, I poured energy, time and talent into a community. Eventually it turned into a job, but I worked beyond the job, beyond the pay, beyond the job description, because believed I had found a place where all of my passions (Christ, service, community, community development, reconciliation, volunteerism, the Arts, etc.) could come together for the greater good. I felt so incredibly lucky to have discovered this place at such a young age.
I'm learning that utopia's are never what they seem when humanity is involved.
I left that community by what I considered to be God's leading. That community and that work felt like the only earthly items (if you can call them that) in my hands that really meant anything. Letting those go brought me to a place of such deep brokenness. A brokenness through which I am still digging my way out.
If you are anything like me, you try not admit any amount of hurt. Even if you admit fault, you never want anyone to think that they had, let alone have, the power to hurt you.
For 7 years, over 1/4 of my life, I poured energy, time and talent into a community. Eventually it turned into a job, but I worked beyond the job, beyond the pay, beyond the job description, because believed I had found a place where all of my passions (Christ, service, community, community development, reconciliation, volunteerism, the Arts, etc.) could come together for the greater good. I felt so incredibly lucky to have discovered this place at such a young age.
I'm learning that utopia's are never what they seem when humanity is involved.
I left that community by what I considered to be God's leading. That community and that work felt like the only earthly items (if you can call them that) in my hands that really meant anything. Letting those go brought me to a place of such deep brokenness. A brokenness through which I am still digging my way out.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Silence in the Clinic
I took you to the clinic today.
We sat in the waiting room making small talk trying to ignore our old friend "worry".
Acting like "Worry" isn't staring us in the face.
Acting like "Worry" isn't pressing in on us from every side.
We would be silent but "Worry" can't be quiet.
"Worry" always seems to fill the empty spaces with "Fear".
And so we push the silence away with our own chatter because "Fear" is a friend to no one, let alone to us.
But at the moment silence would be nice.
We spend so much time in chatter that we neglect to make space to tell eachother that we are afraid.
"Fear" may be a foe, but beign afraid is natural when traveling through the unknown.
If we had space to be honest, the silence to fill with the truth beyond chatter we would know that we are not alone.
"Fear" and "Worry" are not our only companions.
"Courage" stands near because despite "Fear" and "Worry" we move forward asking our questions and taking test where the results whether positive or negative leave us with choices and implications that only lead to more of life's complications and complexities.
Thus we stand holding hands with our friend "Wondering" whom often simply wanders through our days and stumbles through our nights.
As we sit together chatter becomes too laborius, "Silence" too complicated to articulate, and the quiet throbbing of our hearts too loud to bare.
Gently laying my hand on your knee I give you a wordless glance that speaks volumes and I leave the waiting room.
Silenced by labels placed over your mouth you are rejected in many places, frowned upon by self-righteous faces.
How do we remain silent in the midst of so much noisy hatred?
How can we be heard when drowned out by so much pain?
Each of us now sit alone with "Worry" running aimlessly from "Fear".
I commit myself to a chair in the front lobby and you to an examination table surrounded by walls telling stories unheard, marked with frames holding confidentiality statements and public service announcements regarding safe sex practices.
We both sit with our friend "Waiting" in a room where time stands still so there's no telling when we will find healing.
So we sit dealing with the lingering pauses of the second hand...
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Time seems like its slowing but silence is just now beginning to get going and in it we start to wrestle with "Reality"
We sat in the waiting room making small talk trying to ignore our old friend "worry".
Acting like "Worry" isn't staring us in the face.
Acting like "Worry" isn't pressing in on us from every side.
We would be silent but "Worry" can't be quiet.
"Worry" always seems to fill the empty spaces with "Fear".
And so we push the silence away with our own chatter because "Fear" is a friend to no one, let alone to us.
But at the moment silence would be nice.
We spend so much time in chatter that we neglect to make space to tell eachother that we are afraid.
"Fear" may be a foe, but beign afraid is natural when traveling through the unknown.
If we had space to be honest, the silence to fill with the truth beyond chatter we would know that we are not alone.
"Fear" and "Worry" are not our only companions.
"Courage" stands near because despite "Fear" and "Worry" we move forward asking our questions and taking test where the results whether positive or negative leave us with choices and implications that only lead to more of life's complications and complexities.
Thus we stand holding hands with our friend "Wondering" whom often simply wanders through our days and stumbles through our nights.
As we sit together chatter becomes too laborius, "Silence" too complicated to articulate, and the quiet throbbing of our hearts too loud to bare.
Gently laying my hand on your knee I give you a wordless glance that speaks volumes and I leave the waiting room.
Silenced by labels placed over your mouth you are rejected in many places, frowned upon by self-righteous faces.
How do we remain silent in the midst of so much noisy hatred?
How can we be heard when drowned out by so much pain?
Each of us now sit alone with "Worry" running aimlessly from "Fear".
I commit myself to a chair in the front lobby and you to an examination table surrounded by walls telling stories unheard, marked with frames holding confidentiality statements and public service announcements regarding safe sex practices.
We both sit with our friend "Waiting" in a room where time stands still so there's no telling when we will find healing.
So we sit dealing with the lingering pauses of the second hand...
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Time seems like its slowing but silence is just now beginning to get going and in it we start to wrestle with "Reality"
She Works in Silence
She cleans his body in silence.
From head to toe she brushes away the dirt of life and hides the visible signs of death with soap suds and water.
Two hours ago he layed here choking, coughing up blood and gasping for air.
19 years old.
Lung cancer left him old and aging too quickly.
His burdened lungs silencing his life's final screams until death quietd his pain.
His family will soon arrive to morn with his decaying body, an empty shell where the only remaining sound is the loud empty space left by his early departure.
She adjust his hair, closes his eyes and places a teddy bear under his right arm before pulling fresh sheets and blankets over his once warm body.
She is selfless.
Moving silently.
Gently restoring his man's frame to resemble that which his family will remember for the rest of their lives.
She watched his screatching death but they'll hold his silent departure in their minds.
She will find loneliness in her memories of him but now works that they may find solitude in his peaceful resting.
Now he looks as if his death came with ease instead of being silenced he appears to have found solitude in silence and peace in death.
The nurse who loved his frame as if it were Jesus' crucified body before her will hold reality alone, accepting a silence that completes the world secretly.
An absense of sound leaving whatevers left after the silence ends to linger.
From head to toe she brushes away the dirt of life and hides the visible signs of death with soap suds and water.
Two hours ago he layed here choking, coughing up blood and gasping for air.
19 years old.
Lung cancer left him old and aging too quickly.
His burdened lungs silencing his life's final screams until death quietd his pain.
His family will soon arrive to morn with his decaying body, an empty shell where the only remaining sound is the loud empty space left by his early departure.
She adjust his hair, closes his eyes and places a teddy bear under his right arm before pulling fresh sheets and blankets over his once warm body.
She is selfless.
Moving silently.
Gently restoring his man's frame to resemble that which his family will remember for the rest of their lives.
She watched his screatching death but they'll hold his silent departure in their minds.
She will find loneliness in her memories of him but now works that they may find solitude in his peaceful resting.
Now he looks as if his death came with ease instead of being silenced he appears to have found solitude in silence and peace in death.
The nurse who loved his frame as if it were Jesus' crucified body before her will hold reality alone, accepting a silence that completes the world secretly.
An absense of sound leaving whatevers left after the silence ends to linger.
Free Write: Silence and Life
These pages are out of order never quite telling the story we intended//And so we supsend our choices afraid to move cause thus far we've struggled to find the groove to our lives animation//So we give in to hesitation//False starts become our reality//Stopping & quitting becomes easier with each misstep that we are tallying//Forgetting that forgiveness often begins within ourselves and then extends to the other//Wanting to love eachother but how can we be lovers when our self-hate we cover with the presence of the other//We become co-dependent security blankets hiding the true depth of our pain//We begin to go insane silencing the stains with shouts and accusations//We silence those which matters because they require us to give up our entitlement for a settlement that leaves space for silent voices to speak the quiet truths that bring volume to our lives//Solitude bringing uninterrupted peace, quite and calm//The difference between being silent and being silenced is the peace of mind that is found in the former over the latter//These moments matter
To Whom It May Concern:
I'm tired of thinking about you//But your lips have stained my senses and your hands have bruised my heart//I'm wondering where to start the end of a relationship that never went beyond your lip service//Never went beyond your lies but sits embedded in my desire for true companionship//I'd cry but I'm not sure why you did it//And so the only person to cry for would be me//And that is too sad//Feeling bad for yourself is an endless pit//An explanation from you would at least give me a reason outside of myself for the water works//But your too selfish and unaware to do me the honor//I suppose that for you ignorance is bliss//But for me it just leaves my nails attached//Scratching the surface of the ways I'm struggling to let you go
I'm tired of thinking about you//But your lips have stained my senses and your hands have bruised my heart//I'm wondering where to start the end of a relationship that never went beyond your lip service//Never went beyond your lies but sits embedded in my desire for true companionship//I'd cry but I'm not sure why you did it//And so the only person to cry for would be me//And that is too sad//Feeling bad for yourself is an endless pit//An explanation from you would at least give me a reason outside of myself for the water works//But your too selfish and unaware to do me the honor//I suppose that for you ignorance is bliss//But for me it just leaves my nails attached//Scratching the surface of the ways I'm struggling to let you go
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Burnt Popcorn
Burnt popcorn is a disgusting smell. It permeates everything from the inside out. The air nearly radiates with it. Burning your lungs and searing your taste buds. But even beaneath the stench there lies a a pinch of desire--one can still sense the possibility of salty buttered crunchy goodness upon your tongue. So, you try to eat it.
Bluh.
Its disgusting.
And yet if you are hungry enough, if the craving is strong, you can't help but continue to attempt to eat it.
Hoping to find one soul kernel of popcorn heaven.
Unfortunately, popcorn, when burnt, seems to contaminate the whole bag; even if its just one kernel.
This is my experience with men.
They all seem to come from one big ass burnt bag of popcorn.
Now don't get me wrong. I like men...a lot. I just can't get enough of them.
That said, lets be honest. Some of them are burnt. Messed up. Tore up from the floor up and turned inside out.
And no doubt, once you encounter one like that, the taste lingers in your mouth.
Suddenly, you can't help but smell and taste the smoke in all of them.
Nevertheless, hope prevails.
The craving is strong and you convince yourself you'll find one whose taste doesn't make you sick.
But before you know it the burn begins to stick.
You too become tainted.
The cloud begins to cling to you. Your hair. Your clothes. Just sittin' all up in your nose.
Brought into the fold until you too become just another burnt piece of popcorn contaminating the bag.
Bluh.
Its disgusting.
And yet if you are hungry enough, if the craving is strong, you can't help but continue to attempt to eat it.
Hoping to find one soul kernel of popcorn heaven.
Unfortunately, popcorn, when burnt, seems to contaminate the whole bag; even if its just one kernel.
This is my experience with men.
They all seem to come from one big ass burnt bag of popcorn.
Now don't get me wrong. I like men...a lot. I just can't get enough of them.
That said, lets be honest. Some of them are burnt. Messed up. Tore up from the floor up and turned inside out.
And no doubt, once you encounter one like that, the taste lingers in your mouth.
Suddenly, you can't help but smell and taste the smoke in all of them.
Nevertheless, hope prevails.
The craving is strong and you convince yourself you'll find one whose taste doesn't make you sick.
But before you know it the burn begins to stick.
You too become tainted.
The cloud begins to cling to you. Your hair. Your clothes. Just sittin' all up in your nose.
Brought into the fold until you too become just another burnt piece of popcorn contaminating the bag.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Free Writes
[It would be an understatement to say...]
It would be an understatement to say, “This is complicated.”
It is obviously confusing and the sheer number of parts with which we are dealing is innumerable
They lay, this ridiculous smattering of legos and puzzle pieces, sprawled across the floor of our hearts
So many, so messy, that we each, like children, rebellious to clean-up, deny ownership, refusing to claim any part of this disaster
Our Mother, our conscious, hovers over, pushing us to reconcile within the midst of this playmate situation
We are admonished to pick-up the pieces of life
Beckoned to place them on the appropriate shelves
To store them in bins and hope chests allowing the dust of age to settle upon dreams until they gray, years past turns them nightmares
But at least this playful moment, though chaotic, still beams with youthful bliss and ignorance
We have an obvious fascination for one another
Fancying the disposition of the other above options far less laborious because the challenge leaves us elated
We thus seem fated to sit in midst of the mess
Me in this dress of frustration and you in those pants marking you for an emasculated manhood where I will become your full-time nurturer and part-time lover
[With you...]
With you, life is so easy and yet love grows more and more complicated
I’ve trained myself to ignore this ever present tension
Our friendship remains the most painful position but I am convinced that the pain is merely a sign of how much it is worth
My heart and mind are always contorted wrapped up wishing that we could once again have this conversation cause I still can’t understand why we can’t be together
Our friendship flows like water
Forging paths through uncharted territory, namely my soul
And your presence a slow moving glacier leaves me cold to the many fish of the sea
They are a poor man’s love
But despite this knowledge
I turn to him with whom life is hard but passion comes easy
Never fully being what I’m wanting his touch is just enough to fill the gap
And each morning leaves me,
Fleeing the darkness that holds emotions compressed between the twilight of night and the dawn of day
The light of the passion expressed in action and the darkness of feelings never expressed in word
You hold my heart while I hold his hand leaving me heartless bound in the flesh to another man
It would be an understatement to say, “This is complicated.”
It is obviously confusing and the sheer number of parts with which we are dealing is innumerable
They lay, this ridiculous smattering of legos and puzzle pieces, sprawled across the floor of our hearts
So many, so messy, that we each, like children, rebellious to clean-up, deny ownership, refusing to claim any part of this disaster
Our Mother, our conscious, hovers over, pushing us to reconcile within the midst of this playmate situation
We are admonished to pick-up the pieces of life
Beckoned to place them on the appropriate shelves
To store them in bins and hope chests allowing the dust of age to settle upon dreams until they gray, years past turns them nightmares
But at least this playful moment, though chaotic, still beams with youthful bliss and ignorance
We have an obvious fascination for one another
Fancying the disposition of the other above options far less laborious because the challenge leaves us elated
We thus seem fated to sit in midst of the mess
Me in this dress of frustration and you in those pants marking you for an emasculated manhood where I will become your full-time nurturer and part-time lover
[With you...]
With you, life is so easy and yet love grows more and more complicated
I’ve trained myself to ignore this ever present tension
Our friendship remains the most painful position but I am convinced that the pain is merely a sign of how much it is worth
My heart and mind are always contorted wrapped up wishing that we could once again have this conversation cause I still can’t understand why we can’t be together
Our friendship flows like water
Forging paths through uncharted territory, namely my soul
And your presence a slow moving glacier leaves me cold to the many fish of the sea
They are a poor man’s love
But despite this knowledge
I turn to him with whom life is hard but passion comes easy
Never fully being what I’m wanting his touch is just enough to fill the gap
And each morning leaves me,
Fleeing the darkness that holds emotions compressed between the twilight of night and the dawn of day
The light of the passion expressed in action and the darkness of feelings never expressed in word
You hold my heart while I hold his hand leaving me heartless bound in the flesh to another man
Thursday, February 10, 2011
wish i'd known earlier, but at least i know now. what to do? *pondering* write about it. speak word about it. sing songs about it. turn deep sorrow and great joy into art. in the end let yourself not be known by your reaction, but instead by your artistic reflection. life feel free to happen, but know that i shall do more than respond. i shall create
Wish I'd known earlier, but at least I know now.
What to do?
*pondering*
Write about it.
Speak word about it.
Sing songs about it.
Turn deep sorrow and great joy into art.
In the end, let yourself not be known by your reaction, but instead by your artistic reflection.
So, Life, feel free to happen,
But know that I shall do more than respond.
I shall create.
Wish I'd known earlier, but at least I know now.
What to do?
*pondering*
Write about it.
Speak word about it.
Sing songs about it.
Turn deep sorrow and great joy into art.
In the end, let yourself not be known by your reaction, but instead by your artistic reflection.
So, Life, feel free to happen,
But know that I shall do more than respond.
I shall create.
Artistic Reflecation
Wish I'd known earlier, but at least I know now.
What to do?
*pondering*
Write about it.
Speak word about it.
Sing songs about it.
Turn deep sorrow and great joy into art.
In the end, let yourself not be known by your reaction, but instead by your artistic reflection.
So, Life, feel free to happen,
But know that I shall do more than respond.
I shall create.
What to do?
*pondering*
Write about it.
Speak word about it.
Sing songs about it.
Turn deep sorrow and great joy into art.
In the end, let yourself not be known by your reaction, but instead by your artistic reflection.
So, Life, feel free to happen,
But know that I shall do more than respond.
I shall create.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Records Skip
You words skip through my mind like a broken record,
Always spinning but never moving forward,
In play but always repeating
Giving you space to be retreating
Causing my love to be receding.
And the repetition of your statement is the hammer beating the nail in the coffin of this relationship.
Every start is shorter with every ending longer,
And I just grow more numb to the needle of this record player attempting to play scars like vinyl.
And every time I think this is it,
There goes that damn skip.
Always spinning but never moving forward,
In play but always repeating
Giving you space to be retreating
Causing my love to be receding.
And the repetition of your statement is the hammer beating the nail in the coffin of this relationship.
Every start is shorter with every ending longer,
And I just grow more numb to the needle of this record player attempting to play scars like vinyl.
And every time I think this is it,
There goes that damn skip.
With this Pen
With this pen in this book
I shall write the words of my heart
Pushing them out, so as to not let them rip me apart,
And because I'm an artist this will be my healing,
Returning sensitivity, renewing my feeling,
From heart to pen
From pen to paper
From paper to mind to mouth to where I stand planted on this stage will be the place of my resurrection.
If you're listening lose all discretion,
Feel and you too shall find healing,
We are about to get real
Finding true restoring in the craft of our wording.
I shall write the words of my heart
Pushing them out, so as to not let them rip me apart,
And because I'm an artist this will be my healing,
Returning sensitivity, renewing my feeling,
From heart to pen
From pen to paper
From paper to mind to mouth to where I stand planted on this stage will be the place of my resurrection.
If you're listening lose all discretion,
Feel and you too shall find healing,
We are about to get real
Finding true restoring in the craft of our wording.
Full Attention (Intro Spit)
First Love,
I must apologize for how I've ignored You,
Truth is I should adore You, Love
I've hurt You,
Turned my back on You,
And You still wait patiently for me to turn to You,
First Love, I'm comin' home,
Back to You, Love
Givin' You alone my full attention
I must apologize for how I've ignored You,
Truth is I should adore You, Love
I've hurt You,
Turned my back on You,
And You still wait patiently for me to turn to You,
First Love, I'm comin' home,
Back to You, Love
Givin' You alone my full attention
How You Gonna (Draft 1/No Chorus/No Bridge)
You swoop in unpredictable / I'm standin' there wide open / Young heart so fillable / You knew the truth / It was inevitable / I should have listened when you said this will be terrible
I was blind / Made me a spectacle / You could see / Wearing those spectacles / You tried to tell me but I couldn't listen / Your actions were lieing / Your words didn't glisten / So we're here in the end / I'm livin' skeptic / This relationship is all the more hectic
I want to give up/ I want to say bump it / But this lump in my throat is leavin' me huntin / Searching for water that you the one holdin' / But if I'm honest you're steady with holdin' / No I'm wonderin' do I move on or step to you bolder
I was blind / Made me a spectacle / You could see / Wearing those spectacles / You tried to tell me but I couldn't listen / Your actions were lieing / Your words didn't glisten / So we're here in the end / I'm livin' skeptic / This relationship is all the more hectic
I want to give up/ I want to say bump it / But this lump in my throat is leavin' me huntin / Searching for water that you the one holdin' / But if I'm honest you're steady with holdin' / No I'm wonderin' do I move on or step to you bolder
(Dancing) One Fine Day
It was like dancing in my room only there were two,
I was mad and you were confused,
If I had known then what I know now I might have known what to do.
You were the guitar playing in my ear,
But our hearts were beating to different tunes,
And now I am hurt and so are you,
But neither of us know what to do.
So I push you away and this all goes to decay,
Angels place a cross where our hearts lay,
And it was like dancing in my room one fine day.
So you'll let me go and we'll get out the way,
And I'll continue dancing one fine day.
I was mad and you were confused,
If I had known then what I know now I might have known what to do.
You were the guitar playing in my ear,
But our hearts were beating to different tunes,
And now I am hurt and so are you,
But neither of us know what to do.
So I push you away and this all goes to decay,
Angels place a cross where our hearts lay,
And it was like dancing in my room one fine day.
So you'll let me go and we'll get out the way,
And I'll continue dancing one fine day.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
New Things
Dear Family and Friends,
I pray that the New Year is treating you well! It seems early on that 2011 is going to be a year of discovery and change. I am writing you to let you know about my future transition from Urban Impact as the co-director of the Leadership and Mentorship Project.
The past 7 years of my life have been amazing! God has moved in some of the most spectacular and unexpected ways. When I moved to Seattle in October of 2004 to attend Seattle Pacific University I could not have imagined the journey that I would travel. Within the first month of my time in Seattle God showed me that my being in this place was intentional. Dr. John M. Perkins spoke at the SPU Common Day of Learning that year, and as a freshmen my whole world was changed. Dr. Perkins gave language to principals and ideas that I had been pondering my entire life in regards to faith, community, and justice. From that point on, I knew that I was called to serve as a Christian Community Developer.
That same year I began volunteering at Graham Hill Elementary School as a tutor while attending Rainier Avenue Church. Suddenly so many things began to fall into line as God developed in me a strong passion and desire for community, family and youth. In 2005 Urban Impact came into existence and I fell in love! I knew that I had to work for UI! I volunteered for nearly 2 years when the door opened in the summer of 2006 for me to become a summer intern. Serving as a summer intern assured me that UI was where God was leading me. That fall, when UI made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, I was hired to serve with the Mekong Center. By God’s grace and provision I have been blessed to serve with Urban Impact for 2 years as a volunteer and nearly 5 years as an employee.
These have been the most formative and life-giving 7 years of my life!
I thank God for allowing me to be an instrument of praise in the Rainier Valley living and serving alongside my neighbors!
Like all things in life transitions happen and God has called me out of Urban Impact to join another organization. As of January 31st I will no longer be serving with Urban Impact (www.urbanimpactseattle.org), and will therein transition to Year Up (www.yearup.org) to serve as the Recruitment, Outreach and Internship Coordinator. This has by no means been an easy decision. For 7 years Urban Impact, Rainier Avenue Church and Emerald City Bible Fellowship have been my family; taking me in and claiming me as your own. You will never know what your love and support have meant for me. I know that God has a plan and I trust God’s leading for my UI family and friends, myself and the dynamic little sisters and brothers (youth) I have been blessed to have and hold.
I am not going too far away. So, please know that I will continue living and serving in our community. I love you all from the bottom of heart!
If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or thoughts feel free contact me through this blog.
In closing, I leave you with this. This transition has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life, but I am reminded that there is a season for everything. I know and believe that we serve a God who works for the good of those who love God.
Ecclesiastes 3 A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
Blessings and Love,
nikkita
I pray that the New Year is treating you well! It seems early on that 2011 is going to be a year of discovery and change. I am writing you to let you know about my future transition from Urban Impact as the co-director of the Leadership and Mentorship Project.
The past 7 years of my life have been amazing! God has moved in some of the most spectacular and unexpected ways. When I moved to Seattle in October of 2004 to attend Seattle Pacific University I could not have imagined the journey that I would travel. Within the first month of my time in Seattle God showed me that my being in this place was intentional. Dr. John M. Perkins spoke at the SPU Common Day of Learning that year, and as a freshmen my whole world was changed. Dr. Perkins gave language to principals and ideas that I had been pondering my entire life in regards to faith, community, and justice. From that point on, I knew that I was called to serve as a Christian Community Developer.
That same year I began volunteering at Graham Hill Elementary School as a tutor while attending Rainier Avenue Church. Suddenly so many things began to fall into line as God developed in me a strong passion and desire for community, family and youth. In 2005 Urban Impact came into existence and I fell in love! I knew that I had to work for UI! I volunteered for nearly 2 years when the door opened in the summer of 2006 for me to become a summer intern. Serving as a summer intern assured me that UI was where God was leading me. That fall, when UI made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, I was hired to serve with the Mekong Center. By God’s grace and provision I have been blessed to serve with Urban Impact for 2 years as a volunteer and nearly 5 years as an employee.
These have been the most formative and life-giving 7 years of my life!
I thank God for allowing me to be an instrument of praise in the Rainier Valley living and serving alongside my neighbors!
Like all things in life transitions happen and God has called me out of Urban Impact to join another organization. As of January 31st I will no longer be serving with Urban Impact (www.urbanimpactseattle.org), and will therein transition to Year Up (www.yearup.org) to serve as the Recruitment, Outreach and Internship Coordinator. This has by no means been an easy decision. For 7 years Urban Impact, Rainier Avenue Church and Emerald City Bible Fellowship have been my family; taking me in and claiming me as your own. You will never know what your love and support have meant for me. I know that God has a plan and I trust God’s leading for my UI family and friends, myself and the dynamic little sisters and brothers (youth) I have been blessed to have and hold.
I am not going too far away. So, please know that I will continue living and serving in our community. I love you all from the bottom of heart!
If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or thoughts feel free contact me through this blog.
In closing, I leave you with this. This transition has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life, but I am reminded that there is a season for everything. I know and believe that we serve a God who works for the good of those who love God.
Ecclesiastes 3 A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
Blessings and Love,
nikkita
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