Free Write 12/26/2009

Love you from a distance isn't easy when I'm standing so close to you. To be honest, it is painful.

When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomac, full of butterflies, churns anxiously, anticipating the moment when you will leave.

Once you move from sight that hole returns. that gaping hole in teh center of my chest with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I want to be truly seen by your eyes.

It is a painful reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someon only to stand in the cold outside their front door unreceived.

Somtimes, like a mut, you crawl to their back door to partak of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied--still hungering, still thirsting for more--their love.

Yet still, without reserve you give yoruself over to them. Taking the pain of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holdign tight to emotions taht are only to be mentioned in drunken moment, called out in times whn no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. You are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarassment.

Why do you love given the circumstances?

You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world, our love is imperfect and often misdirected. Thus, there are tiems when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.

So, I wait.

I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.

As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn't easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this love, in time, will bring to fruition life's beauty.

Love.