Free Write: Randomly Thoughtful

Sittin' in a room full of sinners and saints
Judged as delinquents, wearin' jumpers, caged.
But the only sinner I see is the one inside of me
Society, so blind, these angels they'll never see.

++

Wishing we were on a beach
Feeling soft sand beneath my feet
Sunshine on my face
Replacing the dull with radiant grace

++

Sunshine on my face in the dead of winter fills my soul with your golden goodness. These rays of light like arms lift me to a place that transcends the worry of the day. In the light of your love these nightmares become as fiments unseen. My darkness is disheveled with the pulling of drapes from eyes the windows to my soul enabling refreshing water to fill this empty cavern washing clean these cold stone walls of mud.

++

Heard this before in a ten week class where my professor came garnished with a bow tie. How hard can it be? Open your mouth, speak, close your mouth, and move along. That said, i suppose practice makes permanent and ill-preparatino can leave you speechless hearing only the chatter of a crowd dismayed with yoru presentation. So, I'll disappear into the crevices of my mind inviting the characters of my imagination to come out to play until we finish.

++

Monday.
I love Mondays!
A fresh start to old habits. a clean slate to demolish historical lists of to dos that sit upon my throne, a 6x4 desk decorated with keyboard, screen and phone. Yes, I have a phone. It has voicemail too. I'm really not that important. That said, I also have busness cards and a company email. While I'm not essential, I at least feel important and that makes all the difference. Well, it at least makes a difference on Monday.

++

Do what I say and not as I do. My parents must have had this motto at some point. I don't think that believe as such anymore. Mauybe that is why I had a hard time listening. I think recently they've come to realize that I am not blind. I'm not deaf either, but my actions my have conveyed otherwise. Presently they talk a lot less and hide a lot more. One would think its because I'm older, but I honestly think it is because they are older and are tired of repeating theirselves and/exhausted from defending theirselves.

Free Write: Somtimes Things Vibe

Sometimes things vibe.
Sometimes their are no vibes just the reverberation of feelings and emotions left unarticulated and thus unrequited.

I hate reverb, but it is so telling of what is going on beneath the surface. The messages of sound waves unseen, but suddenly heard can be shocking. The impact of that shock can be dynamic and/or detrimental. It really just depends on the house and what damage is sustained. If the damage is catastrophic will you rebuild or simply move on? What if the damage appears minimal and you repair but years from now it is found unfit, have you wasted your time?

Sometimes things vibe.
Other times things seriously vibrate, no, seriously shake like an earthquake.
I am waiting for the ground to stop moving beneath my feet, but until it does I will come out from under this table, climb on top and ride this shock like a wave. I know its dangerous, but I am willing to take the risk. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words can ever scar me. Am I too blind to see the signs? Am I waiting in vain?

Sometimes things vibe.
Today there was no vibe.
A ten minute car ride left me feeling helpless, no, hopeless. Clinging to you the way a hungry child clings to their mother's breast. Pining for the smallest amount of redemption in our conversation. That said your subtle defenses leave me hurt and yearning for your approval, no, your recognition that everything is better than fine. Many have the power to upset me, but only you have the power to hurt. Ignorance, no, a lack of desire to see enables me to overlook your sly remarks for the time, but they will bite me in my sleep. Your words are my bed bugs and your lack of action the essence of my nightmares.

Sometimes things vibe, but today you shook me empty.

Random Free Write 120209

I can't believe that it is already December. Just yesterday it was June. The obvious time disparity would explain why I am so damn tired.

I can barely believe that it has been nearly two years since I graduated from college. Evenmore I can barely believe that I have been living in Seattle for nearly six years. Six years is a long time. I thought for sure that I would be off galavating around the world by now. That was my dream. I suppse this gypsy found something/someone she loves more than adventure or maybe she has just found the adventure of a lifetime. RELATIONSHIP(s).

I am so disappointed about my trip to NYC...cancelled.

I am completely blown away by Mother's generosity...she bought me a plane ticket for later in the month. That is one of the nicest things she has ever done for me.

There are these two rocks on my desk from summer 2007. In the center of one is written the word "mana" aka "manu" meaning "what is this?" in Hebrew. The other "love". Make of it what you will. There is a sermon in there somewhere.

Sermon.

What am I going to talk about FUZE next Tuesday?

I was thinking...

The Real Birth Story---all the scandalous details...

Free writing sucks tonight. I have too many thoughts and not enough mental energy to make them coherent.

TOP THREE WORDS TODAY... "I WANT YOU"

Random Free Write 11222009

Generally speaking... I suck at this thing called "life". The upside of sucking early on is that I have the prime opportunity to become the "MILL"--Most Improved 'Liver' in a Lifetime. Yes, yes, I know, doesn't everyone want to become a MILL.

Currently, I am sitting in my office, staring at a pile of junk that needs to be sorted and organized. I have more work to do this week than I did last week. I didn't get half-way through last week's to do list. Who am I kidding? I never get half-way through my to do list before another week starts. Can you imagine how many to do list are currently sitting on my desk? Well, none. I threw them all away in hopes that on Monday I can start over. (I'll dig them out of the trash when I get into the office on tomorrow morning. I need them.)

Additionally, I am struggling with my very own tale of two cities. Where shall I live next year? New York City or Seattle. New York City or Seattle. New York City or Seattle.

My mind is shouting, "just choose."
My heart is saying, "recognize the impact."
My soul is crying out for direction.
My body wants to sink.
I want to sink down a into hole of darkness. A hole so deep that the smallest light would seem as bright as the sun. Eventually I'll be forced to choose, but for now I'll sink deep into my bed far below my comforter tucked tightly in my sheets and the light of new day will do just fine for now.

There is a still small voice inside of me that beckons me to peace, calling me to rest, but I cannot stop this moving. This movement is my life. I fear that if I stop moving I will cease to exist. If I cease to exist have I therefore died?

And I'm lonely. Not lonely for friends. I have plenty. I am lonely for a companion. Someone with whom I share life. However, I'm not desperate. It has to be right. I'd be lieing if I didn't admit that I have someone in mind. If only they would oblige and follow suite I think we could be happy. That said, thinking is not knowing and the only way to know is to try. The only way to try is to oblige. In this instance my love is a ship without water. Lonely as I may be I am never hopeless. There is always hope. Just sometimes my hope is really tiny while other times it is really big and looks a little more like passion. Sometimes my passion is really tiny while other times it is really big and looks a little more like fire. (In those times it may even feel like fire.)

In the long run, I am happy, but not to be confused with joyful. However, I am that too. I am joyful. I am pry more joyful than I am happy. I suppose that is the way it should be since joy lasts a lot longer.

I miss you.

Isn't funny how some of the most powerful statements are the shortest.
The one's with three words seem to mean a lot.
I need you.
I want you.
I love you.
I miss you. I always seem to come back to this one.

God is good. I always seem to come back to this one too.

You've Got Mail

Do you remember the movie "You've Got Mail"?

In this day and age of technology and modern day communication I feel as if my psyche is marked. By this I mean, unlike my grandmother, and even my mother, I wait for a text message, an email, a facebook post, a voicemail, a phonecall on my mobile device, or a tweet, instead of a letter, a short note, a card, a post card, or a telegram. I can not only move around the house while talking on my mobile device, but I can wonder the entire country (and with the right cell phone plan the entire world) while talking to someone.

What's even crazier is that my grandmother, and even my mother, used to memorize signatures and hand writing. I recognize ring tones, digital names and logins.

My grandomother, and even my mother, used to wait for love notes and flowers. I wait for love emails and text message with smiley faces.

I have to say, all this comparison is making me nostalgic for the past. I want love notes and flowers. I would rather recognize your signature than your username. I know your ringtone and what your name looks like visually on the screen of my phone when you call, but I haven't a clue what your handwriting looks like. I can look up your facebook anytime I want to, but I'm afraid to call you and ask you out for dinner. This is a sad (slightly disturbing and definately creepy) reality.

I'm tired of waiting for a messages in my inbox. I am so used to information being at the tip of my fingers that when I actually have to wait for something (or Lord forbid look for something) I grow impatient.

Is there a cure for the impatience and poor work ethic created by the "microwave popcorn" philosophy of this current generation?

I hope so... cause I'm searching.

Until then, I've got mail.

No really, I do.

Now and Later

I wish I could call you.
I wish I could call you right now.
Unfortunately, I can't.
This sucks.
Really, it does.
However, it could always be worse.

At least I have this handy dandy blog to let the world know, and maybe even you, that I wish I could call you.
Right now.

Even better.
Now will pass and it will eventually be later.
Maybe later I can call you.

an account

Warmth pours from the sanctuary
Beckoning me to enter the space
So dimly lit by candle light

Where music moves through the air
Brushing this beautiful soul
Stroking my heart with golden notes only God knows

They sit and stand,
Mournfully celebrating in the presence of the deceased
Not the death but the life that she leaves

If you look,
My mama sits in the front row
I love that black dress
Her hand on my sister’s
Moving with a mother’s gentle caress

She’s got tears up on her cheek
Red where there once was white space
Surprisingly there’s a smile on her face
As pictures of a small girl grown into a woman
Flash across a screen while set to joyful music

My brother hides his face
Never looking at the case
But its cleared he is moved by emotion
As he shakes violently never making a sound
Other than a momentary hiccup to catch his breath
*breathe*
He glances around

I wave to him but he can’t see
Blinded by grief and this decomposing body
I wish he could see what I see
The glory of God and this brand new me
I struggle to say it but truth is I’m happy

A friend walks to the podium and begins to speak
I’m anxious to hear what they’ll say about me
But before I can listen I stroll to the front
Where the box is set and flowers hung

Ma, it’s much more festive than I would have thought
Yellow daisies and lilies to place at the plot
I look in the case where my humanity lay
I recognize the face an empty vessel made of dirt and clay
The body at rest cause death is inevitable
But in God we trust cause life is eternal

They start to say nice things about the life I lived
Of course,
Only the visual public memories
As if to disregard my private sins

But I can’t hide I know what I did,
Where I’ve been,
My own personal hell on earth hidden deep within

Suddenly I’m flooded by the truth
Falling to my knees
*Hard STOP*
The candles CEASE and it is DARK

These wounds like festering disease
Old demons haunting me
Those things in life that captured me,
Outright enrapture me
Chaining my attention to earthly frivolity,
Keeping me from the one who created me

Darkness falls
I strain my new eyes
Searching for any sign of light or life
No, not separation, not separation
My God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you denied me access to You
For whom my spirit thirst and seeks
Both in life and in passing
I’m on my knees begging God please
Don’t leave me like this

Is that there a candle?
Even a small light cannot be hidden in darkness.
I crawl towards it.

Wait!
Do you hear that?
I know that voice.
I’ve heard it before but not like this
New ears bring clarity to a sound once hidden
By the static of humanity

*singing*
Be still and know that I am God x3

Darkness gives way to light
A light that I have never seen before
Receiving with more than eyes wide open
Not just windows but my soul fully revealed
No longer concealed by grave clothes
Free to receive this love envelops me
Lifting me up in arms on angels wings
To a new elevation away from this twisted defiled creation

I look down to earth and see their faces
The ones I love left with my life’s traces

I turn to God and begin to plead:
Most High, my God,
Please hear me.
My life ain’t been perfect
I’ve made some mistakes
Left some with hurts that I cannot take
But LORD God I ask this time you’d redeem
I know there’s some good from the life that I leave
It can’t all be bad if its you that I see

A gentle voice reaches deep down inside of me:
Love, It’s already done
I’ve search the crevice and caverns of your soul
In your life I knew when you would sit and when you would rise
Nothing in your time has been a surprise
Even your darkness has shined like day unto me
A legacy of love your life redeemed
Yes, I saw your private iniquities
Yes, some have experienced them as public realities
But I forgave them when you fell on bended knee
And your savior interceded
Like a lawyer on your behalf (to me)

There are no tears past that stone
NO nashing of teeth shall you see
No separation from me
I want you
You’ve been made clean

Well done my love,
My good and faithful servant,
Welcome home
Won’t you come to sit and talk (w/me)
Ask your questions and concerns from earth that you bring
And afterwards there’s celebration
One of greatest parties you’ll ever see
We’ll sing, we’ll dance, hey, I know you like to eat
So, there’ll be food you’ll sit with me
Guest of honor
My child who has come home to be with family

Prayer

Yes, LORD your servant is listening. I recieve this calling. I am afraid of the responsibility, but I trust You LORD. I will mess up somewhere along the way and so I ask your forgiveness now (and will without a doubt ask again later). LORD, I know You are faithful. You will go before me, walk with me and stay when I leave. Will You come into where I am broken and make me usable? I love You LORD. I place my life in Your hands. This extra ordinary woman trusts You. Do something extraordinary in me LORD that I may serve You well.

Time will Tell

How is it that all once you can say...

Don't wait for him, but be patient with me.

Your too good for him, but I don't want you.

I love you, but I can't be with you.

I need you, but keep your distance.

You are the one, but I can't.

I tell you now...

It hurts me, but it won't kill me.

It bends me, but it won't break me.

I want you, but I don't need you.

I'd live life with you, but I can live without you.

I love you, but I can let go.

I'm waiting now, but not forever.

Time will tell.

Plane Rides

Plane rides give you a lot of time to think...

I was thinking...

I'd write you love letters with paper and pen.

I'd play guitar and sing to my heart's content every morning and every night.

I'd journal each day so as not to forget one moment of this life together.

I'd go to jazz and reggae clubs without reservation because I'm honestly there for the music.

I'd always have my camera so that I could capture those images that I'd otherwise see only once and inevitably have no one, at the time, to share it with.

I'd tell you I love you and this time you would hear me.

I'd ask for forgiveness and you would oblige.

I'd never miss a sunrise and would take time out to stare at the wonder of the sunset.

I'd think more and speak less.

I'd memorize the contours of your face and the texture of your laughs before you walk away from me.

I'd write my heart song so you could sing it with me.

I'd paint the pictures of my mind.

I'd tell stories that reveal truth and heal wounds.

I'd say those things of which I'm most afraid but most need to hear.

I'd ask with courage and faith those questions to which I know no earthly answer exists.

I'd stop toiling to my own avail and remember that one of the greatest gifts we have to give is our "touch". To touch one another physically, to touch each other's lives, to be touched and to receive touch--love.

I'd let You strip me naked of these grave clothes and clothe me as your bride--redeem me--redemption.

I'd let go of these insecurities and ignore the societal pressures and standards of beauty and acceptance.

I'd let go of my pride and let you inside.

I'd admit I'm afraid of the possibilities and so I write them off as impossible. I would in turn recognize the possibilities.

I'd rescue you if I could rescue myself.

I'd never worry if I could always remember Your in control--your footprints in the sand and my body in your hands.

I'd pray without ceasing if I could just get started.

Plane rides can give you too much time to think and just enough time to try to forget.

I Get Myself in Trouble

I swear I get myself in trouble.

I care so much, but by worldly standards I care too much. I don't want people to take me the wrong way and yet they do.

It is hard to be kind, friendly and compassionate without someone thinking:

1. You have other motives. Folks can't just be nice. It seems people always assume there are strings attached.

2. You are trying to holler. Usually not the case with me. I don't have enough guts to holler. Not to mention, I don't want to holler like this.

It is very frustrating. At what point does it become clear..."I honestly care. I don't have any other motives. I just care for you and your well-being. Can I do that? Can I be there for you?"

Anyhow, enough of my rant and rave...

Song Writer's Block

I got plenty of chords,
Plenty of bridges,
I've even got the chorus,
But I'm missin' the lyrics.

What's a heart to do,
When they can find the tune,
But the words are far and few,
Heart trapped,
Steady feelin'.

*I need some lyrics...*

Five Lucky Kisses, One True Love

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the one whose lips I’ve been missin’.

He had a car,
With nice leather seats,
And his platinum made us Emerald City royalty.
He had good manners,
Charisma to boot,
One day we went out,
I had nothing to lose.

So he ordered up food that I’d never seen.
The china design, it mesmerized me.
I imagined us here just ten years later,
My heart skipped a beat,
Could I be twitterpated?

When the evening was done,
The moon hangin’ high,
We stood on my step,
I stared in his eyes.
I gave him the look and then he leaned in,
And instantly I knew this just wasn’t him.

So, I shook his hand and bid him goodnight,
Knowing that he was gone with the night.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now next on my list was a simpler guy,
He didn’t care if his clothes were torn or dyed.
His black skinny jeans,
He wore everyday,
He was the smartest guy that I’d ever date.

He had classic looks,
With a nice chiseled chin,
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
And yes, he is white,
Don’t judge me or him,
We were in love, or so we thought,
But something changed quick,
And we were broken up.

It happened like this,
One beautiful evenin’,
When we were disectin’ philosophical meanin’,
I batted my eyes and gave him the sign,
But as we leaned in I knew he just wasn’t mine.

So, I gently retreated,
And then broke it down,
He understood cause one logic we’d found,
He said, “You’re a great woman and your argument is sound.
I really appreciate it with an easy let down.”

And just like that he was gone in a flash,
Our world’s separated no longer to clash.
But he wouldn’t be the last on my list,
Cause that was only my second kiss.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

He was a jock,
Not usually my type,
But I decided generalities can be trite,
So I took a risk,
Got lost in his glance,
And found myself given him a chance.

Beautifully sculpted,
From his head down through his legs,
This man was strong,
And could run circles round me for days.
But his best attributes were not his calves nor glutes,
But instead his warm heart and his godly roots.

He knew the Word inside and out,
He followed the way,
And would even shout,
We went for a walk one sunny day,
We sat on a bench,
He started to pray.

“Dear LORD,
Most High of Heaven and earth,
Give us a sign if this is my girl.”
And with an Amen I then felt his hand,
He plastered a kiss and while it was bliss,
It was clear from his lips that he was crossed off the list.

And with great disappointment,
We went divided ways,
But I won’t forget the way that man prayed.

And now after three I sat by a tree,
Feelin’ discouraged that alone I would be.
If the God fearing man just wasn’t the one,
What would I do, this hope was weighing a ton.
And with the warmth of the sun,
The most high gave me a hug,
And said, “Be patient, I’m far from done.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now, number four was a man I adore,
With a beautiful heart,
Love was only the start.
He was a musician and artist for sure,
He knew my gift, my soul’s open door.
And when he would sing,
It all felt so clear,
That he was the one, my future dear.
My heart he had won,
Each note we would sing,
But there was a problem with our harmony.

It was a glorious evening,
Simple it was,
We sat at piano, our voices, our love,
Our melody and harmony woven together,
The angels sang with us,
The moment was light as a feather.

We started to sing,
And he took the lead,
I followed behind with fine harmony,
He stood from piano,
And reached for my hand,
And suddenly I realized,
He’s just my good riend.
And as he leaned in,
I felt his embrace,
I pushed him away and closed up the cased,
I told him the truth that I loved him much,
But that he wasn’t the one that I want.

He said, “It’s ok.
Let’s continue to sing.
I know someday we’ll both be happy.
And we’ll write a song,
The kind makes hearts long.
And that will be our short love song.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

And while number five was the best of them all,
I’ll save you the story,
And tell you he’s wrong.
A wonderful man of that I am sure,
But the truth of the matter is I’m not his girl.

And after kiss five I stood and I looked,
I gazed in the mirror like reading a book.
I washed my face,
And brushed my teeth and found a truth,
A lovely piece.
I took off my make-up and let down my hair,
I looked up to God and gave Him a dare.
“LORD, you know my heart,
And the things that I need.
I give up this search,
And fall to my knees.
I pray for the man that you will give me.
May he love You first,
Be kind and believe.
Protected and guided through your eyes we’ll see.
He’ll have warm heart and live compassionately,
And when the times is right one we will be,
But until then I live one and only for thee,
This time is a gift,
Yes, Lord, let it be.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the love that I’ve been missin’.
Yo, Jesus is NOT my boyfriend,
Like some like to say,
Yo, he is my God,
My friend through whom I am saved.
The truth of the matter is I’ve learned to love me,
And yes, I am single, to serve I am free.

About Me...

It has taken some time, but as of August 8, 2009 the below outlines a number of things I believe to be true in regards to myself, faith and the world around me... WARNING: I am young, and even when I am old, these could change given the right cross-section of God, revelation, and truth. I make no claims of perfection. I am most certainly fallible. It is not a question of will I change my mind or will I disappoint and/or hurt someone I love, but instead a question of WHEN? That said...

"I belong to God no matter how hard I try to run.
Good thing we have a Good Shepherd or else I'd always be running in the wrong direction.
Faith is central to who I am and how I live.
I'm Christian, but you might be surprised at how that ACTUALLY unfolds.

Working hard is a passion.
I am a life-long learner and aspire to be an academic.
Praxis is where the rubber meets the road and I can't learn without it.

I crave, need and want healthy relationships with others.

Equity, justice and righteousness are more than passions--they are a must!

Service is a way of life--as is obedience.

I love children and youth.
I am passionate about healthy families.

Reconciliation is central and essential to Christian theology.

Honesty is a MUST.
I love it when folks are genuine.
I'd prefer you tell me the truth and possibly hurt my feelings momentarily than live in a lie.

A life without music would not be a life worth living.
The Arts leave me breathless and yet fill me with the breath of life.

I love being in love...especially when the love is shared.
My heart and trust are easily given, but once broken much harder to restore.

My body is a temple and I must learn to treat it as such.

I am passionate and full of fire and attitude.
Discipline is the director of passion and therefore necessary.
Ambition is a close friend.
Loyal to the end.
Emotional to the core.
Cool and calm when pertinent.

For life I have a plan but living requires flexibility.

My life starts and ends with an act of love.

Personal Philosophy:
To be salt and light in the world:
Trusting God
Loving People
Living Life
By faith, with hope and in love."

Faith.Hope.Love.

Searching for a philosophy
To live this life that God has given me
Tried to find the strength in me
But I was blinded by the hate I see
I keep tryin' to live peacefully
But the world around keeps pushin' pullin' me
Right back down into the hate I see
I need a way to break free

Faith
Believe what I cannot see
Hope
Holdin' on until we achieve
Love
Care and compassion unconditionally
Overflow inside of me

So much stuff between you and me
Communicatin' through technology
What about our humanity
Sittin' talkin' its a mystery
I want to look into your eyes
And see emotion, its no surprise
You and I were meant to be
Connectin' through our physicality

Faith
Believe in what I cannot see
Hope
Holdin' on until we achieve
Love
Care and compassion unconditionally
Overflow inside of me

Full Attention

*New Song* Much better when played/sang than when read... when I get a chance to record and post... I will.

You’ve got my full attention,
You’ve got my heart,
Wrapped up in you,
You’ve got my soul devotion, what can I do?

You’ve got my full attention,
If this ain’t love I’ve got to let it go,
But I know this is love,
Cause my heart was cold,
But now it is warm.

But I stand afraid of all this emotion,
And I stand in awe of all your devotion,
I push away and you show me new love each day.

I stand afraid of pain, the past and present,
And yet you remain, you are committed,
Your loves brought change, I am defenseless,
You draw me nearer.

You’ve earned my full attention,
You’ve earned my heart,
It lays in your hands,
You’ve earned my soul’s devotion,
What can I do, I want to trust you.

You’ve earned my full attention
If this ain’t love I’ve got to let it go,
But I know this love,
Cause my heart was cold,
And now it is warm.

You gave me your full attention,
You placed your heart in the palm of my hands,
You’ve gave me your soul’s devotion,
Your heart is true,
I can trust you.

You gave me your full attention,
You gave me your love,
You’ll never let me go.
I know this is love,
Cause my heart was frozen,
But now it is warm.

[Daddy don't call for money...]

[Daddy don’t call for money…]

Daddy don’t call for money no more.

Suppose the distance has closed that open door.

It may not be me but some has to answer,

Unfortunately that person is now my baby sister.

I didn’t mean to leave her in a space where she would suffer.

Emotional and selfish, I was supposed to be the buffer.

“Big Sis, where’d you go?”
I cry out, “I had to leave.”

Maturity came about and stole her nativity like a thieve.

There are just some things a little girl should never see.

First, she should never have to see her Daddy leave.

Second, she should never have watch her Daddy beg.

Third, she should never witness his spirit left for dead.

He’ll still pinch my cheek and call my name

But it is only a shadow of the man that remains.

His struggle has been prophesized, self-fulfilling chains

The daughters he fathered have been left for lame.

She’ll never say the pain she feels

And never deal the blame she yields.

I know her burden, cause it I bore,

Yet Daddy don’t call me for money no more.

[The inward battle...]

[This inward battle…]

This inward battle goes on and on

It’s like being on stand by for a flight

There’s no guarantee you’ll be on the next plane out

But the HOPE, the HOPE is always there

This inward battle serves a purpose

It’s out of love I try to stand

I don’t want to be easily blown like a grain of sand

If my heart ain’t searchin’ for something deeper what should it do?

This inward battle is faithful

Motivated by the unseen it hopes,

It pushes and fights for something new

Asking, “What more is there for me and you?”

I’ve concluded…

Its easier to hold on to the lil’ bit I’ve got

Than it is to let go and trust the unknown for something more

Even when all I’ve got is shit

I’m already poor

I ain’t got much to lose

But it’s all I got

So if it’s all I got then its everything

If everything and I lose I’ve got nothin’

So I ask the question…

Why does my everything seem like excrement?

I could have had something had you relinquished it.

Had you laid down just and ounce of your privilege,

I’d at least be at the starting line.

No, but instead you prefer I stay in wanting.

It’s easier for you if my people pine and parish for narcotics.

It’s easier if they seemingly die at the hands of their own.

And all so you can wash your hands of us.

But just like Pilot your guilty.

That water you just dipped into,

Well it’s tainted with disease,

So now like me your filthy.

There ain’t no freein’ yourself of sin,

The only freedom you’ll find from them chains is the same as me and them.

The only way we’ll see eye to eye

With the playin field level is on bended knee

Believin’ in the death and resurrection of Christ

Will set us free from our earthly frivolity,

And our reconciliation will come when we can say to each other,

“The Christ in you is greater than the Christ in me.”

I ain’t tryin’ to be harsh

Just straight with it.

The truth of the matter is we are separated, segregated, stratified

Hierarchically by gender, race and socio-economic status.

Categorized and stigmatized for the sake our own well-being,

But what about our personal responsibility to each other?

We were created to live in community.

It ain’t about holding hands and singing “cum by yah”.

Instead it’s about faith, hope, love, and livin’ it,

Together as one in unity.

You know “U.N.I.T.Y” (*sing it)

So, how are we supposed to do what we ain’t seen?

Especially when we are still claimin’ the wars of our fathers

And the bastard children of our mothers.

How are we supposed to move forward?

Why are we claimin’ post-racial America?

Cause we got a black president?

FYI, he’s mixed.

And brown kids still getting kicked out of swim clubs in Philly

You willing to accept the casualty and ignore a hot childs thirsty plea?

Well…

I suppose we can start by going down to the river to pray.

Teachin’ true history about our past days.

Bring to light what is hidden in darkness.

Cryin’, mornin’ and lamentin’ for justice.

Afterwards we can bathe in the healing waters of Christ

Recognizing our sin and brokenness

Confessin’ we’ve denied Him far more than thrice

Let us be honest and then acknowledge our humanity

Together remember our personal and communal responsibility

Laying down privilege and all superficiality

For the sake of a unifying vulnerability

But that is only the beginning cause Christ’ll take the rest

All we do is live in this inward outward battle

Giving each other our humble best

So we stay in this struggle as it goes on and on

Living purposefully and faithfully

By faith, with hope and in love

And when the time right our plane will come

Reconciled we’ll stand in the light of love

Reality can be so potent that it becomes misleading. Events in life are much like scenes in a story. Each and every one is important to the whole narrative. Isolated moments can throw the entire picture off if they aren't held in contrast with the rest of the dialogue or image.

It is so easy for us to isolate our own story from the the stories of those around us. We can negate the importance of context, plot and narrative. I would say that many of us have a hunger to know what is "really going on" and so we speculate. As a result, we are often unwilling to wait till the end of the story to form our conclusions. This is problematic because conclusions formed before the end may be premature and thus inaccurate.

I am guilty of this...frequently. I always want to know what is really happening beneath the surface of a particular moment. I often forget that hindsight is 20/20, and if I would just be patient and wait the picture would eventually be clear. Furthermore, I can't just sit on the sidelines listening and thinking until I can fully see. No, I must fully participate because I too am a part of the narrative in tandem with others.

Evenmore, I have a habit of choosing individual moments and/or statements as focal points. This can be both a positive or negative process. It can be positive when the focal point is one of hope, encouragement or perseverance that pushes me to live in the present with hope for the future. On the flip side, most moments are defined by those that come before and after them. If all of the moments leading up to a particular scene are positive, but all proceeding incidents are negative the focal point may become negative. Negative focal points can be disjointing, and can leave one in a funk. They an even blind a person from seeing when the negative has transitioned to a more positive state.

So, what do we do about this?

If I had an answer, I would not have asked. Ok, you are right. I might have, but this time the question is not rhetorical.

What do we do?

[I'm the Melody, You're the harmony]

I’m the melody, You’re the harmony.
Your percussion and I’m the bass line.
In the onset we don’t fit,
But in time we MAKE good music.

We can sit with silence and let the music bump,
Your head bobs, my foot taps,
Our hands move at once.

You bring the verse and I’ll bring the chorus,
Together we make the bridge when we drop that beat.

It’s easy to feel, yet hard to say,
So we musicians and vocalists take our turn at play.

This here communication is a cold collaboration,
Two souls, two hearts, many parts, one song,
Our genuine manifestation.

You move—I move—we move,
I move—You move—we move.
We move, together we look out,
And the world grooves with us.

So I’ll bring the melody if You bring the harmony,
You bring percussion and I’ll drop the bass line,
We’ll find a groove together,
And in time we’ll BE good music.

[one gray hair]

[One gray hair...]
You stand there in all your glory, the reality of age,
Time is moving, like a strong medicinal sage,
Never standing still, flavoring all with touch,
You show me where I’m waiting and show me where I rush.

How can you feel a hole for something you never had,
A simple hand to hold,
One moment, then you crash.

I’m looking in a mirror,
This face feels new to me,
And all because I see one hair,
It beckons me.

It beckons me to move,
Audacious I can be,
You cannot lose a hand that you let go,
That you set free.

This is only the beginning,
One day this head will be
Full of silver glory,
A life lived full indeed.

[Reality and Me]

Reality and me,
Idealistic enemies,
And yet in bed for eternity.

Where can I go that you won't be?
Reminding me of what I can't see.
I'd rather ignore this tragedy,
but instead you stand there poking and proding.

I'll accept you,
Bitter sweet reailty.
But I won't be content until you retreat,
and my ideals become sweet reality.

[The words escape me]

The words escape me,
I try to speak but your demeanor it leaves me weak,
And in your eyes I can see the place my heart longs to be.
It’s hard to say, yet easy to feel,
This love it grows expanding fields.
And when you look into my eyes,
My Isis soul it flies and flies,
Close to the sun of your appeal my heart if falls back to the field.
I find no rest, my heart it heals.
My mind is smart, it tries to yield.
But I forget, my wings return,
And for your love I yearn, I pine, I burn.

[There are days when all one has is hope to move...]

There are days when all one has is hope to move forward.
You see the eviction notice posted on the door;
Home has no life, just a house of boards.
You seek for more against the multitude shouting “what for?”;
Your heart cries out to be heard,
Your mind a caged bird.

There are days when all one has is faith to move forward.
Oil run dry and the gold is spent;
Landlord called, can’t pay the rent;
You write the check with faith and say,
Hope You got them bread and fishes today.

There are days when all one has is love to move along.
Friends and fam you’ll find it all,
What’s mine is yours my fictive blood,
It ain’t no problem to share just call,
My bed is yours, our warmth a throne.

So God just give us,
Faith, Hope and Love to move beyond,
The night to light, a brilliant home out of this fight.

Duke Reconciliation Conference 2009 (June 1st, 2009)

Duke Reconciliation Conference 2009

June 1^st, 2009

 

A mentor once told me that a smart person knows a lot, but a wise person is aware of what they do not know.

 

I have only been at Duke for one day, but it is already abundantly clear that there is so much that I do not know.  I am still an infant being tossed back and forth by the waves.  I have progressed to solid food, knowledge, but I am still shaken and jarred by the ideals of reconciliation and the realities of this world.

 

I encountered so many truths today.  Each deeply profound and many wounding; I am in pain spiritually, intellectually and even physically (although this one could be attributed to jogging outside and not on a treadmill).

 

It is challenging to hold the “Kingdom Now” and the “Kingdom to Come” concurrently.  They are a challenging paradox that is both hopeful and painful at once.  There is hope for the future, but the actualization or manifestation of that hope is not immediate.  People have, are and will suffer.

 

A thought that has stuck with has been:

 

“The word for ‘forgetting’ is MONEY”.—Stanley Hauerwas

 

I see so many young adults throwing away their passion for change, for service, for reconciliation to make a dollar.  We have allowed the stress of college loans and the cultural implications and definitions of status to define our path and directions.  Why?

 

It is because we have forgotten our first master to serve another.  We have forgotten the Lord that called us.

 

Ephesians 4 starts, “I urge to live a life worthy of the calling you have received to be completely humble and gentle to be patient bearing with one another in love…”

 

As followers of Christ we cannot allow our paths to be defined by the ways of the world.  We are to be salt and light.  I understand the need and even want for dollars and comfort, but we are aliens in this world.  This is not our home.  We have an eternal destination, and we want to take as many people with us to that place as possible.

 

So, why do we believe we should/can act in the ways of the world?  There is something wrong with allowing our decisions and future to be driven by the wants and desires for cash and/or status.  As Followers of Christ that is not what we have been called to, we have a higher calling.  This does not mean that those wants and desires will dissipate.  On the contrary living for Christ is a journey, a process of change.  What can change however is the fruit of those truths in our lives?

 

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart soul mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.”

 

“Go into all the world making disciples of every nation baptizing them…”

 

“Faith, hope and love.  The greatest of these is love.”

 

The saying goes, “Money makes the world go round.”

 

That may be true now, but money will not save the World.  We are the embodiment, the physical manifestation of Christ, in and to the world.  When will we start acting like it.  Yes, it means sacrifice.  If you know the truth you are obligated to follow it.  Otherwise, it would have been better for you to remain ignorant.

 

Friends, we must change our thinking.  This does not mean that life cannot be fun and joyous.  However, how can revel in my cash and/comfort when half of the world is dieing of overeating and the other half of starvation?

 

“Reconciling All Things: God’s Vision of Beloved Community”

 

1. Relationships alone do not change the social realities.
2. There is not peace without suffering.  This is what we have seen in and through the life of Christ.
3. Jesus and Justice must go hand-in-hand.  One without the other allows us to go to extremes.
4. Peace takes time.
5. Reconciliation is no bigger than the one beside you who is hardest to love.
6. You love Jesus no more than the person you love the least.
7. “Those who come to serve the poor stay because they realize that they too are poor.” –Founder of the L’arche Community
8. What is more important…loving God or loving your neighbor?  NEITHER.  There are far more versus in the Bible about God love us.
9. We as Followers of Christ are to hold in tension the “Kingdom Now” and the “Kingdom to Come”.  (Malcolm, you’ve been saying this all along.)
10. Reconciliation is dangerous because it demands a new reality.  The new reality is dangerous because it calls for us to become new people.
11. What it takes…(Dr. John M. Perkins)
1. You need to sense that you are loved by God.  (This will be your greatest drive/passion to serve.)  (The greatest human need is to be loved.)
2. You need to know God.  (Become a disciple.)
3. You must experience the “calling” that you are to “do this”.  (This sets you up for the journey.)
12. What it takes…(Dr. Stanley Hauerwas)
1. Learn both to be forgiven and to forgive because of there are power conditions and dynamics that this sets right.
2. Recognize we can only do it because of Jesus
3. Reconciliation is difficult because it competes with our revenge and our cultural memory of what we have seen.
4. Acknowledge and address memories and language because they are power.  They impact our actions.  We must seek healing before they can be changed.
13. “The people who are unequal cannot be reconciled.”  Dr. JP
14. “The word for ‘forgetting’ is ‘money.”—Stanley Hauerwas
15. “Why is part of the world dieing of overeating while the other half is dieing of starvation?”

 

“Transformative Leadership through National Organizations”

 

1. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with the external that we forget about the internal.  This is what happens when the urgent and/or immediate are directing the organization.
2. Tradition is that which carries us forward not where we stop.  Taking what has been life giving and adapting it to a new context is how we should use tradition.  We should be allowing people in our organizations to be “traditioned innovators”.
3. The most transformative leaders are people of character who can tell good stories (even if they are not charismatic).
4. The most transformative leaders are those who can hold paradoxes together.  For example, social justice and evangelism.
5. Transformative leaders can think oppostionally without becoming polarized.
6. Transformative leaders can have “meaningful disagreements”.
7. Strong leaders are always dealing with their own in competencies.
8. We are to be “institutional thinkers” not “institutional critics”.
9. Transformative leadership:
1. Initiate people into traditions in such a way as to create “traditioned innovators”.  They do not lock people into a tradition, but instead educate people so that they can build upon them in the future.  (“Staying focused on the mission while enabling creativity/innovation.”)
2. Engage in ministry indirectly while recognizing the direct implications.
3. Think of the organization as overlapping circles not silos or charts.
10. You need to have “thick skin”.  You need to be ready to accept the potential pain of leadership, but don’t be a self-appointed martyr.  You must be able to distinguish between the “suicidal leader” and the leader who is willing to take risks.

Jackson, MS Trip (March 21, 2009)/Journal Entry

We are in Mendenhall, MS today. So much has ocurred on this land. So many momments--some good, some bad, some legendary, many life-changing, and yet some forgotten. I feel a multi-faceted ancestry to this place that is disjoining. How this feels is good despite it not feeling good. This is what I yearn for...to travel and learn, to be malible and think critically, to explore and discover. To find myself disjointed and broken so that there is less of me and more of Christ.

There is so much to be discovered in this process. I have learned more about me and my relationship with God and others. I am finding parts of me are being tamed and emptied while others are being inflamed and filled-up.

Lord,

Set me free for more moments like this.

This is not easy, but this is good.

You will take me places that are broken to further break me, and in those moments your grace and joy shall abound.

You and the sacrifice of your Son will never change.

You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Everday You are the same, but I...

I am changing.

Praise be to God!

[Dream after dream the figment of my imagination beckons me...]

Dream after dream the figment of my imagination beckons me from the abyss of the unknown.Calling my name it urges me to draw near.The closer I get the more secure I feel.The closer I come to the source of my desire the more I yearn, the more I pine, the more I parish.Upon his lips rest my name.There it lays in the safety of his care, his passion, his pursuit.My name is my dignity.I know he will never misuse it.I know he will never abuse it.I know he will never call me outside of it because...He loves me,And thus values me,And will therefore affirm my dignity.

Narrow

I am afraid that we Christians are quite hypocritcal and fickle. On the one hand we as people want to be treated with dignity and respect, but on the other we reserve that only for ourselves. We want to be confronted in a specific way, but again that is reserved for only ourselves. We want to wave the banner of Christ, but we don't want to follow him. We want to claim the blood of Jesus, but we seem to always want to cleanse ourselves through our own ways.

I know that God can use anyone and anything, but does that me we condone any means in hope of achieving the ends? Can the ends be achieved by any means?

The road IS narrow.