Random Free Write 11222009

Generally speaking... I suck at this thing called "life". The upside of sucking early on is that I have the prime opportunity to become the "MILL"--Most Improved 'Liver' in a Lifetime. Yes, yes, I know, doesn't everyone want to become a MILL.

Currently, I am sitting in my office, staring at a pile of junk that needs to be sorted and organized. I have more work to do this week than I did last week. I didn't get half-way through last week's to do list. Who am I kidding? I never get half-way through my to do list before another week starts. Can you imagine how many to do list are currently sitting on my desk? Well, none. I threw them all away in hopes that on Monday I can start over. (I'll dig them out of the trash when I get into the office on tomorrow morning. I need them.)

Additionally, I am struggling with my very own tale of two cities. Where shall I live next year? New York City or Seattle. New York City or Seattle. New York City or Seattle.

My mind is shouting, "just choose."
My heart is saying, "recognize the impact."
My soul is crying out for direction.
My body wants to sink.
I want to sink down a into hole of darkness. A hole so deep that the smallest light would seem as bright as the sun. Eventually I'll be forced to choose, but for now I'll sink deep into my bed far below my comforter tucked tightly in my sheets and the light of new day will do just fine for now.

There is a still small voice inside of me that beckons me to peace, calling me to rest, but I cannot stop this moving. This movement is my life. I fear that if I stop moving I will cease to exist. If I cease to exist have I therefore died?

And I'm lonely. Not lonely for friends. I have plenty. I am lonely for a companion. Someone with whom I share life. However, I'm not desperate. It has to be right. I'd be lieing if I didn't admit that I have someone in mind. If only they would oblige and follow suite I think we could be happy. That said, thinking is not knowing and the only way to know is to try. The only way to try is to oblige. In this instance my love is a ship without water. Lonely as I may be I am never hopeless. There is always hope. Just sometimes my hope is really tiny while other times it is really big and looks a little more like passion. Sometimes my passion is really tiny while other times it is really big and looks a little more like fire. (In those times it may even feel like fire.)

In the long run, I am happy, but not to be confused with joyful. However, I am that too. I am joyful. I am pry more joyful than I am happy. I suppose that is the way it should be since joy lasts a lot longer.

I miss you.

Isn't funny how some of the most powerful statements are the shortest.
The one's with three words seem to mean a lot.
I need you.
I want you.
I love you.
I miss you. I always seem to come back to this one.

God is good. I always seem to come back to this one too.

You've Got Mail

Do you remember the movie "You've Got Mail"?

In this day and age of technology and modern day communication I feel as if my psyche is marked. By this I mean, unlike my grandmother, and even my mother, I wait for a text message, an email, a facebook post, a voicemail, a phonecall on my mobile device, or a tweet, instead of a letter, a short note, a card, a post card, or a telegram. I can not only move around the house while talking on my mobile device, but I can wonder the entire country (and with the right cell phone plan the entire world) while talking to someone.

What's even crazier is that my grandmother, and even my mother, used to memorize signatures and hand writing. I recognize ring tones, digital names and logins.

My grandomother, and even my mother, used to wait for love notes and flowers. I wait for love emails and text message with smiley faces.

I have to say, all this comparison is making me nostalgic for the past. I want love notes and flowers. I would rather recognize your signature than your username. I know your ringtone and what your name looks like visually on the screen of my phone when you call, but I haven't a clue what your handwriting looks like. I can look up your facebook anytime I want to, but I'm afraid to call you and ask you out for dinner. This is a sad (slightly disturbing and definately creepy) reality.

I'm tired of waiting for a messages in my inbox. I am so used to information being at the tip of my fingers that when I actually have to wait for something (or Lord forbid look for something) I grow impatient.

Is there a cure for the impatience and poor work ethic created by the "microwave popcorn" philosophy of this current generation?

I hope so... cause I'm searching.

Until then, I've got mail.

No really, I do.

Now and Later

I wish I could call you.
I wish I could call you right now.
Unfortunately, I can't.
This sucks.
Really, it does.
However, it could always be worse.

At least I have this handy dandy blog to let the world know, and maybe even you, that I wish I could call you.
Right now.

Even better.
Now will pass and it will eventually be later.
Maybe later I can call you.

an account

Warmth pours from the sanctuary
Beckoning me to enter the space
So dimly lit by candle light

Where music moves through the air
Brushing this beautiful soul
Stroking my heart with golden notes only God knows

They sit and stand,
Mournfully celebrating in the presence of the deceased
Not the death but the life that she leaves

If you look,
My mama sits in the front row
I love that black dress
Her hand on my sister’s
Moving with a mother’s gentle caress

She’s got tears up on her cheek
Red where there once was white space
Surprisingly there’s a smile on her face
As pictures of a small girl grown into a woman
Flash across a screen while set to joyful music

My brother hides his face
Never looking at the case
But its cleared he is moved by emotion
As he shakes violently never making a sound
Other than a momentary hiccup to catch his breath
*breathe*
He glances around

I wave to him but he can’t see
Blinded by grief and this decomposing body
I wish he could see what I see
The glory of God and this brand new me
I struggle to say it but truth is I’m happy

A friend walks to the podium and begins to speak
I’m anxious to hear what they’ll say about me
But before I can listen I stroll to the front
Where the box is set and flowers hung

Ma, it’s much more festive than I would have thought
Yellow daisies and lilies to place at the plot
I look in the case where my humanity lay
I recognize the face an empty vessel made of dirt and clay
The body at rest cause death is inevitable
But in God we trust cause life is eternal

They start to say nice things about the life I lived
Of course,
Only the visual public memories
As if to disregard my private sins

But I can’t hide I know what I did,
Where I’ve been,
My own personal hell on earth hidden deep within

Suddenly I’m flooded by the truth
Falling to my knees
*Hard STOP*
The candles CEASE and it is DARK

These wounds like festering disease
Old demons haunting me
Those things in life that captured me,
Outright enrapture me
Chaining my attention to earthly frivolity,
Keeping me from the one who created me

Darkness falls
I strain my new eyes
Searching for any sign of light or life
No, not separation, not separation
My God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you denied me access to You
For whom my spirit thirst and seeks
Both in life and in passing
I’m on my knees begging God please
Don’t leave me like this

Is that there a candle?
Even a small light cannot be hidden in darkness.
I crawl towards it.

Wait!
Do you hear that?
I know that voice.
I’ve heard it before but not like this
New ears bring clarity to a sound once hidden
By the static of humanity

*singing*
Be still and know that I am God x3

Darkness gives way to light
A light that I have never seen before
Receiving with more than eyes wide open
Not just windows but my soul fully revealed
No longer concealed by grave clothes
Free to receive this love envelops me
Lifting me up in arms on angels wings
To a new elevation away from this twisted defiled creation

I look down to earth and see their faces
The ones I love left with my life’s traces

I turn to God and begin to plead:
Most High, my God,
Please hear me.
My life ain’t been perfect
I’ve made some mistakes
Left some with hurts that I cannot take
But LORD God I ask this time you’d redeem
I know there’s some good from the life that I leave
It can’t all be bad if its you that I see

A gentle voice reaches deep down inside of me:
Love, It’s already done
I’ve search the crevice and caverns of your soul
In your life I knew when you would sit and when you would rise
Nothing in your time has been a surprise
Even your darkness has shined like day unto me
A legacy of love your life redeemed
Yes, I saw your private iniquities
Yes, some have experienced them as public realities
But I forgave them when you fell on bended knee
And your savior interceded
Like a lawyer on your behalf (to me)

There are no tears past that stone
NO nashing of teeth shall you see
No separation from me
I want you
You’ve been made clean

Well done my love,
My good and faithful servant,
Welcome home
Won’t you come to sit and talk (w/me)
Ask your questions and concerns from earth that you bring
And afterwards there’s celebration
One of greatest parties you’ll ever see
We’ll sing, we’ll dance, hey, I know you like to eat
So, there’ll be food you’ll sit with me
Guest of honor
My child who has come home to be with family