Today life seems so fragile. It feels hard to swallow and yet I am reminded of Your faithfulness, Your enduring love, Your sacrifice for which I am ever thankful.
In the midst of trials, questions and tribulations, I trust You, oh LORD. I trust that Your Word is hidden in my heart. I trust that You will never leave me nor forsake me though I leave and forsake you daily. You, oh LORD, are not like man or woman. You alone are God. You alone are worthy. You alone are holy.
I come before You foolishly baring a small fragment and meek understanding of love because it is all that I have to give to You. I humbly lay it at your feet. I lay it not as repayment for a debt that I cannot repay. I bring this love because you loved us first and that LOVE so moves me to give unto You.
Praise be to God. All thanks and thanksgiving be unto You, oh LORD.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Free Write
I had the oddest dream last night,
You moved my desk for me.
You claimed that the move was supposed to be encouraging,
Outraged I began questioning,
More like spanish inqusitioning,
None the less,
It ended with you chasing me,
Debating me,
We were undoubtedly arguing.
I woke up remembering,
This had been my idea in the first place,
I feel like we need to grow seperately,
Truth is I'm still struggling with the things that you say and do to me,
You tell me its not happening,
But I'm still questioning the truth of your statements matched up with your actions.
I understand that this is all confusing,
And likely frustrating,
But I'm no longer sure if its worth waiting.
You moved my desk for me.
You claimed that the move was supposed to be encouraging,
Outraged I began questioning,
More like spanish inqusitioning,
None the less,
It ended with you chasing me,
Debating me,
We were undoubtedly arguing.
I woke up remembering,
This had been my idea in the first place,
I feel like we need to grow seperately,
Truth is I'm still struggling with the things that you say and do to me,
You tell me its not happening,
But I'm still questioning the truth of your statements matched up with your actions.
I understand that this is all confusing,
And likely frustrating,
But I'm no longer sure if its worth waiting.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Simply Put
I sit waiting for the pen to hit the paper,
Anticipating the moment when a thought worth writing spills from this ink,
But this crowded coffee shop doesn't leave much room to think,
Not to mention the one who sits across from me,
Your presence beating, poking, prodding my existence,
And suddenly I am pissed.
Pissed because I'm not sure which synapse or neuron in my brain miss fired when I asked my body to turn off this chemical imbalance that makes me want you,
I'd let you go but every time I turn to rid myself of you its like trying to breath with a hand cupped tightly over my mouth,
And so I sit akwardly,
Waiting to exhale,
Holding my breath,
And this crowded coffee shop already knows what I'm thinking,
They say "don't hold your breath" as if to say "don't bet your life on it" but these things could be said with much more ease and much less sarcasm if you would simply say,
"I can't" or "it'll never happen" or simply put "NO"
Anticipating the moment when a thought worth writing spills from this ink,
But this crowded coffee shop doesn't leave much room to think,
Not to mention the one who sits across from me,
Your presence beating, poking, prodding my existence,
And suddenly I am pissed.
Pissed because I'm not sure which synapse or neuron in my brain miss fired when I asked my body to turn off this chemical imbalance that makes me want you,
I'd let you go but every time I turn to rid myself of you its like trying to breath with a hand cupped tightly over my mouth,
And so I sit akwardly,
Waiting to exhale,
Holding my breath,
And this crowded coffee shop already knows what I'm thinking,
They say "don't hold your breath" as if to say "don't bet your life on it" but these things could be said with much more ease and much less sarcasm if you would simply say,
"I can't" or "it'll never happen" or simply put "NO"
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Waiting Games
New Slam Piece-- Per Usual Always Better When Performed.
I don’t go around doing things like this,
That’s what I said,
If I am completely honest most people think I am a prude,
And I am sure a few think that I am just plain rude because of the prudence with which
I approach each and every situation knowing that human inclinations can lie and this makes my position in such a world unnaturally wise,
And since I am easily moved to cry I resort to risk analysis to avoid the catastrophe of great floods from my eyes,
Because my rain quickly becomes a natural disaster in the landscape of my heart and earthquakes can topple my soul leaving piles of rubble,
And with my heart and my soul both rendered helpless my mind runs wild free of its bubble.
So now, June 18th, 2010 you will have become my minds constant playmate,
A companion like no other,
Welcome, be embraced by every other date in the book of my life that now stands still plastered with memories like stone walls,
Your hands hold the hopes and fears of a failed risk analysis
Where the unthinkable became thought and the prudent became the dare devil unabashedly committed to this jump
Unsure whether or not I’d find myself caught in the wreckage,
I accepted the potential of being locked in this cage.
6 18 2010, you could have been a jackpot lotto number,
But instead your eyes now hold moments that disappeared in the mornin’ as the sun rose to greet you with the light of day,
Shining bright on the dark of my eve that now seems only a figment of my imagination leaving me breathless with no words to say,
Only the fleeting feeling of lips pressed to mine with hands on hands pushing back voices shouting, “This will all end in time”.
Yes, this will all end in time,
But in this moment the energy of this first first makes the earth stand still,
And if only for a second time stops,
I have gained uncharted moments with you.
And let’s not forget you, old friend,
4th Avenue Diner,
You will continue to be one of my best,
Corners of your infrastructure hiding memories that only I can see,
Flashbacks on movie screens,
I’ve never had Breakfast at Tiffany’s but breakfast at the diner is good enough for me because it is the place where things happen,
The unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomed moment,
That happened nothing like I imagined.
Behind a grease stained menu in a worn out booth,
Surrounded by friends for whom this was a monumental move,
You and I met like ships in the night catching glimpses of light,
And I’m still not sure what its worth.
A moment of honesty and you turned to me,
My mind shouting, “What the hell are you doing? We are still waiting.”
But my heart couldn’t hear the warnings over its beat and just pushed forward,
And I’m beginning to think its true,
Every step forward is two steps backwards.
It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more,
I pry would have kept it had I known better what I was waiting for,
Cause you have not called nor emailed nor text’d,
Facebook is acceptable,
You could poke me at best,
I pry would feel better if post 6 18 2010 we would connect,
Cause I didn’t want my first to be a first and a last,
I hate to look back and have regret in my past,
But I know,
It’s only been 3 days and your busy, I’m sure,
So,
I’ll make an excuse for why there’s lag,
We’ll connect soon and I’ll no longer feel bad,
For giving away what I held for so long,
For 24 years my grip was so strong,
But in a matter of hours you got under my skin,
My defenses were down and my soul let you in,
I couldn’t push back,
So hope hit the ring and went for the win,
And I walked into the unknown leaving my 4th Avenue den.
I want you know that I’m not expecting much,
Life is sort of crazy and time is always a crunch,
But it would be nice if we could have lunch,
So please be to true your word and prove my fears wrong,
Just do me a favor,
Don’t make me wait too long.
I don’t go around doing things like this,
That’s what I said,
If I am completely honest most people think I am a prude,
And I am sure a few think that I am just plain rude because of the prudence with which
I approach each and every situation knowing that human inclinations can lie and this makes my position in such a world unnaturally wise,
And since I am easily moved to cry I resort to risk analysis to avoid the catastrophe of great floods from my eyes,
Because my rain quickly becomes a natural disaster in the landscape of my heart and earthquakes can topple my soul leaving piles of rubble,
And with my heart and my soul both rendered helpless my mind runs wild free of its bubble.
So now, June 18th, 2010 you will have become my minds constant playmate,
A companion like no other,
Welcome, be embraced by every other date in the book of my life that now stands still plastered with memories like stone walls,
Your hands hold the hopes and fears of a failed risk analysis
Where the unthinkable became thought and the prudent became the dare devil unabashedly committed to this jump
Unsure whether or not I’d find myself caught in the wreckage,
I accepted the potential of being locked in this cage.
6 18 2010, you could have been a jackpot lotto number,
But instead your eyes now hold moments that disappeared in the mornin’ as the sun rose to greet you with the light of day,
Shining bright on the dark of my eve that now seems only a figment of my imagination leaving me breathless with no words to say,
Only the fleeting feeling of lips pressed to mine with hands on hands pushing back voices shouting, “This will all end in time”.
Yes, this will all end in time,
But in this moment the energy of this first first makes the earth stand still,
And if only for a second time stops,
I have gained uncharted moments with you.
And let’s not forget you, old friend,
4th Avenue Diner,
You will continue to be one of my best,
Corners of your infrastructure hiding memories that only I can see,
Flashbacks on movie screens,
I’ve never had Breakfast at Tiffany’s but breakfast at the diner is good enough for me because it is the place where things happen,
The unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomed moment,
That happened nothing like I imagined.
Behind a grease stained menu in a worn out booth,
Surrounded by friends for whom this was a monumental move,
You and I met like ships in the night catching glimpses of light,
And I’m still not sure what its worth.
A moment of honesty and you turned to me,
My mind shouting, “What the hell are you doing? We are still waiting.”
But my heart couldn’t hear the warnings over its beat and just pushed forward,
And I’m beginning to think its true,
Every step forward is two steps backwards.
It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more,
I pry would have kept it had I known better what I was waiting for,
Cause you have not called nor emailed nor text’d,
Facebook is acceptable,
You could poke me at best,
I pry would feel better if post 6 18 2010 we would connect,
Cause I didn’t want my first to be a first and a last,
I hate to look back and have regret in my past,
But I know,
It’s only been 3 days and your busy, I’m sure,
So,
I’ll make an excuse for why there’s lag,
We’ll connect soon and I’ll no longer feel bad,
For giving away what I held for so long,
For 24 years my grip was so strong,
But in a matter of hours you got under my skin,
My defenses were down and my soul let you in,
I couldn’t push back,
So hope hit the ring and went for the win,
And I walked into the unknown leaving my 4th Avenue den.
I want you know that I’m not expecting much,
Life is sort of crazy and time is always a crunch,
But it would be nice if we could have lunch,
So please be to true your word and prove my fears wrong,
Just do me a favor,
Don’t make me wait too long.
Monday, June 21, 2010
5 Day Spread
The past 5 days have been artistically productive and emotionally draining--a new song and a new slam piece.
This seems to be how my life works. Everything happens all at once, and I spend months trying to catch-up.
Things are changing, and I am not sure if it is a good thing. I am doing my best to keep it simple because it all seems so complicated.
That said, how do you simplify running program with no budget, first kisses wrapped in assurances that may only fall short, struggling friends who are too prideful to accept any sort of love, family wounds that may never heal, a 70 hour work week that you created for yourself because its easier to work than it is to deal with the fall outs of a shitty personal life, youth who can't see beyond the lies that society tells them, a church that doesn't really line-up with what they say, etc. etc. etc.
I don't know.
I suppose the best I can do is hold on to God for dear life.
This seems to be how my life works. Everything happens all at once, and I spend months trying to catch-up.
Things are changing, and I am not sure if it is a good thing. I am doing my best to keep it simple because it all seems so complicated.
That said, how do you simplify running program with no budget, first kisses wrapped in assurances that may only fall short, struggling friends who are too prideful to accept any sort of love, family wounds that may never heal, a 70 hour work week that you created for yourself because its easier to work than it is to deal with the fall outs of a shitty personal life, youth who can't see beyond the lies that society tells them, a church that doesn't really line-up with what they say, etc. etc. etc.
I don't know.
I suppose the best I can do is hold on to God for dear life.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Life Happens
Sometimes we do crazy things. Sometimes those crazy things feel good. They are fun, freeing and more than worth it! Other times your tossing and turning in your sleep sludging through excuses and justifications for why everything should be "a ok", but reality is you just don't know.
Crazy has been my middle name for the past few months it seems. I haven't done anything too destructive, but I've been walking that line; pushing the boundaries. This is not typical behavior for me. In fact, it is odd considering that I am consistently risk avoidant. The fear of getting in trouble for even thinking of crossing the line is enough to throw me into a vomit like confessional state in which I divulge every impure thought to the nearest priest. Mind you, I'm not Catholic.
All that said, I'm tired of being straight laced, but not really understanding why. I want to have a genuine regard for these "rules" that I follow and preach. Realistically, that sort of regard is developed by going through some stuff. Please believe, I am going through. Some stuff is of my own creation. Some stuff is the creation of others. That said, in all of it, reality is that LIFE HAPPENS.
Instead of letting life happen to me, I am happening to life. Or more so, happening to live.
So, here's to first kisses in 4th Avenue Diners, using your entire savings to pay off your car, moving in with your sister, applying to 4 masters programs getting in and denying admissions, etc. etc. etc.
Crazy has been my middle name for the past few months it seems. I haven't done anything too destructive, but I've been walking that line; pushing the boundaries. This is not typical behavior for me. In fact, it is odd considering that I am consistently risk avoidant. The fear of getting in trouble for even thinking of crossing the line is enough to throw me into a vomit like confessional state in which I divulge every impure thought to the nearest priest. Mind you, I'm not Catholic.
All that said, I'm tired of being straight laced, but not really understanding why. I want to have a genuine regard for these "rules" that I follow and preach. Realistically, that sort of regard is developed by going through some stuff. Please believe, I am going through. Some stuff is of my own creation. Some stuff is the creation of others. That said, in all of it, reality is that LIFE HAPPENS.
Instead of letting life happen to me, I am happening to life. Or more so, happening to live.
So, here's to first kisses in 4th Avenue Diners, using your entire savings to pay off your car, moving in with your sister, applying to 4 masters programs getting in and denying admissions, etc. etc. etc.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Free Write
Your mouth lies but your eyes tell the truth
So I am searching for proof
Hoping to find fact to affirm my hypothesis
You provide, but in the same stride you deny what everyone else can see
*Listening to The Verve Pipe--The Freshmen
Yes, I know. That is so Indiana high school-esque of me
What can I say? I'm true to my roots...
So I am searching for proof
Hoping to find fact to affirm my hypothesis
You provide, but in the same stride you deny what everyone else can see
*Listening to The Verve Pipe--The Freshmen
Yes, I know. That is so Indiana high school-esque of me
What can I say? I'm true to my roots...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)