Waiting Games

New Slam Piece-- Per Usual Always Better When Performed.


I don’t go around doing things like this,
That’s what I said,
If I am completely honest most people think I am a prude,
And I am sure a few think that I am just plain rude because of the prudence with which
I approach each and every situation knowing that human inclinations can lie and this makes my position in such a world unnaturally wise,
And since I am easily moved to cry I resort to risk analysis to avoid the catastrophe of great floods from my eyes,
Because my rain quickly becomes a natural disaster in the landscape of my heart and earthquakes can topple my soul leaving piles of rubble,
And with my heart and my soul both rendered helpless my mind runs wild free of its bubble.

So now, June 18th, 2010 you will have become my minds constant playmate,
A companion like no other,
Welcome, be embraced by every other date in the book of my life that now stands still plastered with memories like stone walls,
Your hands hold the hopes and fears of a failed risk analysis
Where the unthinkable became thought and the prudent became the dare devil unabashedly committed to this jump
Unsure whether or not I’d find myself caught in the wreckage,
I accepted the potential of being locked in this cage.

6 18 2010, you could have been a jackpot lotto number,
But instead your eyes now hold moments that disappeared in the mornin’ as the sun rose to greet you with the light of day,
Shining bright on the dark of my eve that now seems only a figment of my imagination leaving me breathless with no words to say,
Only the fleeting feeling of lips pressed to mine with hands on hands pushing back voices shouting, “This will all end in time”.

Yes, this will all end in time,
But in this moment the energy of this first first makes the earth stand still,
And if only for a second time stops,
I have gained uncharted moments with you.

And let’s not forget you, old friend,
4th Avenue Diner,
You will continue to be one of my best,
Corners of your infrastructure hiding memories that only I can see,
Flashbacks on movie screens,
I’ve never had Breakfast at Tiffany’s but breakfast at the diner is good enough for me because it is the place where things happen,
The unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomed moment,
That happened nothing like I imagined.

Behind a grease stained menu in a worn out booth,
Surrounded by friends for whom this was a monumental move,
You and I met like ships in the night catching glimpses of light,
And I’m still not sure what its worth.
A moment of honesty and you turned to me,
My mind shouting, “What the hell are you doing? We are still waiting.”
But my heart couldn’t hear the warnings over its beat and just pushed forward,
And I’m beginning to think its true,
Every step forward is two steps backwards.

It was only a kiss, but it meant so much more,
I pry would have kept it had I known better what I was waiting for,
Cause you have not called nor emailed nor text’d,
Facebook is acceptable,
You could poke me at best,
I pry would feel better if post 6 18 2010 we would connect,
Cause I didn’t want my first to be a first and a last,
I hate to look back and have regret in my past,
But I know,
It’s only been 3 days and your busy, I’m sure,
So,
I’ll make an excuse for why there’s lag,
We’ll connect soon and I’ll no longer feel bad,
For giving away what I held for so long,
For 24 years my grip was so strong,
But in a matter of hours you got under my skin,
My defenses were down and my soul let you in,
I couldn’t push back,
So hope hit the ring and went for the win,
And I walked into the unknown leaving my 4th Avenue den.

I want you know that I’m not expecting much,
Life is sort of crazy and time is always a crunch,
But it would be nice if we could have lunch,
So please be to true your word and prove my fears wrong,
Just do me a favor,
Don’t make me wait too long.

5 Day Spread

The past 5 days have been artistically productive and emotionally draining--a new song and a new slam piece.

This seems to be how my life works. Everything happens all at once, and I spend months trying to catch-up.

Things are changing, and I am not sure if it is a good thing. I am doing my best to keep it simple because it all seems so complicated.

That said, how do you simplify running program with no budget, first kisses wrapped in assurances that may only fall short, struggling friends who are too prideful to accept any sort of love, family wounds that may never heal, a 70 hour work week that you created for yourself because its easier to work than it is to deal with the fall outs of a shitty personal life, youth who can't see beyond the lies that society tells them, a church that doesn't really line-up with what they say, etc. etc. etc.

I don't know.

I suppose the best I can do is hold on to God for dear life.

Life Happens

Sometimes we do crazy things. Sometimes those crazy things feel good. They are fun, freeing and more than worth it! Other times your tossing and turning in your sleep sludging through excuses and justifications for why everything should be "a ok", but reality is you just don't know.

Crazy has been my middle name for the past few months it seems. I haven't done anything too destructive, but I've been walking that line; pushing the boundaries. This is not typical behavior for me. In fact, it is odd considering that I am consistently risk avoidant. The fear of getting in trouble for even thinking of crossing the line is enough to throw me into a vomit like confessional state in which I divulge every impure thought to the nearest priest. Mind you, I'm not Catholic.

All that said, I'm tired of being straight laced, but not really understanding why. I want to have a genuine regard for these "rules" that I follow and preach. Realistically, that sort of regard is developed by going through some stuff. Please believe, I am going through. Some stuff is of my own creation. Some stuff is the creation of others. That said, in all of it, reality is that LIFE HAPPENS.

Instead of letting life happen to me, I am happening to life. Or more so, happening to live.

So, here's to first kisses in 4th Avenue Diners, using your entire savings to pay off your car, moving in with your sister, applying to 4 masters programs getting in and denying admissions, etc. etc. etc.

Free Write

Your mouth lies but your eyes tell the truth
So I am searching for proof
Hoping to find fact to affirm my hypothesis
You provide, but in the same stride you deny what everyone else can see

*Listening to The Verve Pipe--The Freshmen
Yes, I know. That is so Indiana high school-esque of me
What can I say? I'm true to my roots...

I Hate My Life (Spoken Word)

I hate my life,
No, really I do,
I don't even know why.
More often than not at night it seems
My voice is silenced by my own screams
Caught in my throat like chip
I drink, It moves
Slowly etching its way down my esophogus.

And it hurts me,
No, really it does,
I am trying to be happy,
But my face is like one of those Walmart smiley face stickers,
Only its red, stained with my tears like blood,
And instead of rolling back prices
I'm rolling back crisis after crisis,
Tipping bottle after bottle,
Only its getting harder to stay a float.

And I am drowning,
No, really, I am sinking like a rock,
Have you heard of the Titanic?
That's me.
And believe me there ain't no happy love scenes,
Cause I am alone
Sinking helplessly into the icey sea,
Slipping seemlessly into the darkness
Only to be escovated when the CO2 I produce is missed
And my silence turns up absent.

And I am cutting,
No, really I am slicing piecies of me,
Like a butcher I am chopping this woman into mince meat,
Hoping to beat new life into her,
With make-up, eyeliner, tweezers like knives,
Attempting to cut down cast eyes and upside down crescent moon shaped lips into a smile and delightful gaze.
Only to find myself sludging through the haze of my own blood when accidently slicing veins and arteries that feed my heart and my self-love.

And I am bleeding
No, really I am gushing.
Sitting in pools of my own viscera and mayheim
And it is only getting deeper.
So against the lifeguards warnings I climb up to the highest diving board
And I commit myself to falling to my mess
I complacently give up
Residing to just live in it because I couldn't study hard enough for this test.

And I am insecure,
No, really insecurity is my daily fit,
I reach into my closet and I clothe myself in it
Low self-esteem
And instead of sifting through hopes and dreams
I am digging through air brushed models and dirty magazines
I am taking limbs from manequins and replacing my own with plastic implants and silcone domes
I am leaping from airplanes of self-unacceptance without a parachute

And I am falling
No, really I am one mis-step from failing
I am holding a hand full of jokers and I at any moment I'll fold
And all you self-righteous bastards staring down your noses at me will say,
"We told you so"
And like my father's ancestors hauled on to ships sold into slavery my mother's lineage
I will sale myself short to poor theological manefestation and half-hearted inclinations
And I will thus be colonized by past indescretions finding sanctity in partial confessions
And there will be none of me left in my possession

They say sometimes things fall apart
But I am always falling apart
And if all the world is a stage I am its greatest actress
Cause I pick up my cross daily
No I pick up my mask daily
And with semi permanent marker on white board face I draw on a smile
And as you pass by I throw you an arbitrary glance

Cause I am a Christian
But really I am a hypocrite
And I wouldn't want you to know that I am a sinner and not a saint
So I live in spray painted surroundings and mirrages of what could be
If I would only let go and say "Hey world this is the real me and I am struggling"
No really I am suffering
No really I am teeter tottering on faith
But the Word says that whomever loves his life will lose
But whomever hates his life for me will save it
And I hate my life
No really I do
So, am I saved?

Adult

Whoa! I'm not an adult,
Put this train on hault,
Suddenly post 18 and everythings all my fault.

All this responsibility sometimes feels like hot boxin' in a car,
Gettin' as high as a kite off of
adult rights, beverages and legal life.

And other times its like a cage,
Hands and feet bound in chains,
Broken legs,
Yeah, I'm lame,
Lowered through a window lookin' at Jesus shoutin,
"Hey! Set me free."
Don't leave me
To my own devices
Cause reality is my choices will become my future vices.

My life feels like the civil war,
North and south unsure what we're figtin' for
Is it to end slavery
Grow and sale cotton or
To keep the union together
For the sake of prosperity
Livin in this capitalistic facade
Serach for my true identity

Nah! I'm not an adult
Realizing my selfish impulses put my development on hault,
Arrested in a palce where I have control,
But since I can't let go of this here facade
I'm dragged around by misguided decisions like a rag doll.

I know I'm wrong,
But gettin' smashed looks likes more fun from the start of the tunnel,
Strugglin' now to take all these opportunities and funnel
What's broken,
Yall see that perception is everything and nothin' at all,
And hey even adults fall.

Truth and Lies

What’s a short fictional story if it makes someone feel good?
Especially when geared towards their desires it does what the truth could.
What’s a white lie or black lie?
Is there a difference?
I think there is and I’ll give you a short reference.
People say the truth will set you free,
But the question is, “To what?”

You told me stories and I believed you,
You were on my short list, one of the trusted few,
Not realizing your fibs are like McD’s,
By the end my heart said, “Please Supersize Me.”

My soul sits full of dissonance,
Truth and lie,
Good and evil,
Ying and yang,
Let’s flip a coin and take a chance.

Sometimes in life it seems like I walk hand-in-hand
With Jesus on the right
The devil on the left
All headed up by a New Orleans funeral band.
We dance merrily as we prance through the streets,
Masked of course,
Hidin’ this eerie beat,
But this music ain’t happy cause it’s a paradox,
And hold up that ain’t no hotel,
That looks like a body box.

So, I lean over to Jesus and ask,
“Did you really die up on that cross?”
Cause the truth is when these lies are converted
Imma be like rotten teeth needing much more than dental floss.
Imma need a cleanin’ from the Professional,
Cause this life has felt like a funeral processional.
These lies have left me dead inside,
I ain’t the quick or the dead,
I’m the livin’ dead.

I’ve been eatin’ poison,
History, music and magazines,
Parents, friends, teachers,
And even siblings.
Folks I never thought brought works with fictional lense,
All their words crash and burn takin’ my soul to a spiritual ends.

But I can’t blame it all on them,
That would be twisted,
Cause I too grabbed that fruit
And fed my mouth double fisted.

Somethin’ said, “This can’t be truth”
So open your mouth and ask for proof,
But I didn’t,
Cause truth be told these lies were like heroine to my soul.
Got me high as a kite, turned my skin pale white,
And when I came down I almost died from this lethal height.

It all feels so good at first,
Feedin’ this endless thirst,
But soon my stomach burst,
And the pain keeps getting’ worse.

All of a sudden the truth it reveals,
And it ain’t good like we think it should feel.

The truth sets you free to reality and sometimes it bites,
You find yourself sittin’ in a dark room prayin’ for any sign or light,
These lies are like my bed bugs and bite me in the night,
I cry,
Wishin’ I could go back in time and set it all right.

That said, here’s what I’ve been set free to,
I’ll forgive and say, “I love you.”
First to myself cause I’m not innocent,
Then I’ll turn to others and try to embrace this relational redevelopment.

I’d be liein’ if I said this doesn’t hurt,
But in movin’ forward I’m speakin’ truth
And sometimes it’s like eatin’ dirt.
There’ve been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep,
But now that I can feel the light I’m willin’ to take this leap.

When a wound heals it ain’t pretty,
And truth is folks can be sort of petty,
We’ve been infected for a long time,
Often our actions and words have no rhythm or rhyme,
But as these nerves return and this scar develops,
In grace and love I find my soul enveloped.

I am in pain right now,
And it hurts like hell,
But like the old hymn,
In the end,
I will say, “With my soul it is well.”
Like a recovering addict I’m lettin’ go,
And all together too often we’ve been set free
Holding on in fear,
But to what, I don’t know.

The truth has set me free,
It’s somethin’ closer to the real world I see,
So if I’m broken just let me be,
Only my Creator can fix me.

All that said,
Please don’t tell fictional stories just to make someone feel good.
We’re creatin’ addicts who are livin’ far less than they truly could.
And a lie is a lie no matter how you spin it,
You know the truth and it sometimes its hurts,
But let’s try livin’ in it.