Whoa! I'm not an adult,
Put this train on hault,
Suddenly post 18 and everythings all my fault.
All this responsibility sometimes feels like hot boxin' in a car,
Gettin' as high as a kite off of
adult rights, beverages and legal life.
And other times its like a cage,
Hands and feet bound in chains,
Broken legs,
Yeah, I'm lame,
Lowered through a window lookin' at Jesus shoutin,
"Hey! Set me free."
Don't leave me
To my own devices
Cause reality is my choices will become my future vices.
My life feels like the civil war,
North and south unsure what we're figtin' for
Is it to end slavery
Grow and sale cotton or
To keep the union together
For the sake of prosperity
Livin in this capitalistic facade
Serach for my true identity
Nah! I'm not an adult
Realizing my selfish impulses put my development on hault,
Arrested in a palce where I have control,
But since I can't let go of this here facade
I'm dragged around by misguided decisions like a rag doll.
I know I'm wrong,
But gettin' smashed looks likes more fun from the start of the tunnel,
Strugglin' now to take all these opportunities and funnel
What's broken,
Yall see that perception is everything and nothin' at all,
And hey even adults fall.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Truth and Lies
What’s a short fictional story if it makes someone feel good?
Especially when geared towards their desires it does what the truth could.
What’s a white lie or black lie?
Is there a difference?
I think there is and I’ll give you a short reference.
People say the truth will set you free,
But the question is, “To what?”
You told me stories and I believed you,
You were on my short list, one of the trusted few,
Not realizing your fibs are like McD’s,
By the end my heart said, “Please Supersize Me.”
My soul sits full of dissonance,
Truth and lie,
Good and evil,
Ying and yang,
Let’s flip a coin and take a chance.
Sometimes in life it seems like I walk hand-in-hand
With Jesus on the right
The devil on the left
All headed up by a New Orleans funeral band.
We dance merrily as we prance through the streets,
Masked of course,
Hidin’ this eerie beat,
But this music ain’t happy cause it’s a paradox,
And hold up that ain’t no hotel,
That looks like a body box.
So, I lean over to Jesus and ask,
“Did you really die up on that cross?”
Cause the truth is when these lies are converted
Imma be like rotten teeth needing much more than dental floss.
Imma need a cleanin’ from the Professional,
Cause this life has felt like a funeral processional.
These lies have left me dead inside,
I ain’t the quick or the dead,
I’m the livin’ dead.
I’ve been eatin’ poison,
History, music and magazines,
Parents, friends, teachers,
And even siblings.
Folks I never thought brought works with fictional lense,
All their words crash and burn takin’ my soul to a spiritual ends.
But I can’t blame it all on them,
That would be twisted,
Cause I too grabbed that fruit
And fed my mouth double fisted.
Somethin’ said, “This can’t be truth”
So open your mouth and ask for proof,
But I didn’t,
Cause truth be told these lies were like heroine to my soul.
Got me high as a kite, turned my skin pale white,
And when I came down I almost died from this lethal height.
It all feels so good at first,
Feedin’ this endless thirst,
But soon my stomach burst,
And the pain keeps getting’ worse.
All of a sudden the truth it reveals,
And it ain’t good like we think it should feel.
The truth sets you free to reality and sometimes it bites,
You find yourself sittin’ in a dark room prayin’ for any sign or light,
These lies are like my bed bugs and bite me in the night,
I cry,
Wishin’ I could go back in time and set it all right.
That said, here’s what I’ve been set free to,
I’ll forgive and say, “I love you.”
First to myself cause I’m not innocent,
Then I’ll turn to others and try to embrace this relational redevelopment.
I’d be liein’ if I said this doesn’t hurt,
But in movin’ forward I’m speakin’ truth
And sometimes it’s like eatin’ dirt.
There’ve been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep,
But now that I can feel the light I’m willin’ to take this leap.
When a wound heals it ain’t pretty,
And truth is folks can be sort of petty,
We’ve been infected for a long time,
Often our actions and words have no rhythm or rhyme,
But as these nerves return and this scar develops,
In grace and love I find my soul enveloped.
I am in pain right now,
And it hurts like hell,
But like the old hymn,
In the end,
I will say, “With my soul it is well.”
Like a recovering addict I’m lettin’ go,
And all together too often we’ve been set free
Holding on in fear,
But to what, I don’t know.
The truth has set me free,
It’s somethin’ closer to the real world I see,
So if I’m broken just let me be,
Only my Creator can fix me.
All that said,
Please don’t tell fictional stories just to make someone feel good.
We’re creatin’ addicts who are livin’ far less than they truly could.
And a lie is a lie no matter how you spin it,
You know the truth and it sometimes its hurts,
But let’s try livin’ in it.
Especially when geared towards their desires it does what the truth could.
What’s a white lie or black lie?
Is there a difference?
I think there is and I’ll give you a short reference.
People say the truth will set you free,
But the question is, “To what?”
You told me stories and I believed you,
You were on my short list, one of the trusted few,
Not realizing your fibs are like McD’s,
By the end my heart said, “Please Supersize Me.”
My soul sits full of dissonance,
Truth and lie,
Good and evil,
Ying and yang,
Let’s flip a coin and take a chance.
Sometimes in life it seems like I walk hand-in-hand
With Jesus on the right
The devil on the left
All headed up by a New Orleans funeral band.
We dance merrily as we prance through the streets,
Masked of course,
Hidin’ this eerie beat,
But this music ain’t happy cause it’s a paradox,
And hold up that ain’t no hotel,
That looks like a body box.
So, I lean over to Jesus and ask,
“Did you really die up on that cross?”
Cause the truth is when these lies are converted
Imma be like rotten teeth needing much more than dental floss.
Imma need a cleanin’ from the Professional,
Cause this life has felt like a funeral processional.
These lies have left me dead inside,
I ain’t the quick or the dead,
I’m the livin’ dead.
I’ve been eatin’ poison,
History, music and magazines,
Parents, friends, teachers,
And even siblings.
Folks I never thought brought works with fictional lense,
All their words crash and burn takin’ my soul to a spiritual ends.
But I can’t blame it all on them,
That would be twisted,
Cause I too grabbed that fruit
And fed my mouth double fisted.
Somethin’ said, “This can’t be truth”
So open your mouth and ask for proof,
But I didn’t,
Cause truth be told these lies were like heroine to my soul.
Got me high as a kite, turned my skin pale white,
And when I came down I almost died from this lethal height.
It all feels so good at first,
Feedin’ this endless thirst,
But soon my stomach burst,
And the pain keeps getting’ worse.
All of a sudden the truth it reveals,
And it ain’t good like we think it should feel.
The truth sets you free to reality and sometimes it bites,
You find yourself sittin’ in a dark room prayin’ for any sign or light,
These lies are like my bed bugs and bite me in the night,
I cry,
Wishin’ I could go back in time and set it all right.
That said, here’s what I’ve been set free to,
I’ll forgive and say, “I love you.”
First to myself cause I’m not innocent,
Then I’ll turn to others and try to embrace this relational redevelopment.
I’d be liein’ if I said this doesn’t hurt,
But in movin’ forward I’m speakin’ truth
And sometimes it’s like eatin’ dirt.
There’ve been nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep,
But now that I can feel the light I’m willin’ to take this leap.
When a wound heals it ain’t pretty,
And truth is folks can be sort of petty,
We’ve been infected for a long time,
Often our actions and words have no rhythm or rhyme,
But as these nerves return and this scar develops,
In grace and love I find my soul enveloped.
I am in pain right now,
And it hurts like hell,
But like the old hymn,
In the end,
I will say, “With my soul it is well.”
Like a recovering addict I’m lettin’ go,
And all together too often we’ve been set free
Holding on in fear,
But to what, I don’t know.
The truth has set me free,
It’s somethin’ closer to the real world I see,
So if I’m broken just let me be,
Only my Creator can fix me.
All that said,
Please don’t tell fictional stories just to make someone feel good.
We’re creatin’ addicts who are livin’ far less than they truly could.
And a lie is a lie no matter how you spin it,
You know the truth and it sometimes its hurts,
But let’s try livin’ in it.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Free Write
I never thought that there would ever be a point where death seemed a better option than emotional pain and turmoil. We grow up reading these dramatic love stories and watching sappy movies often thinking, "How silly!" That said, from where where I stand now, the stories and movies seem no less silly, but also all the more truthful--at least in part.
I never had him, but I loved him. My heart is breaking, but not simply because of love lost or unrequited. So much has changed so quickly and it all seems so unfair. Lord, the turmoil you must have felt when your own creation, whom you not simply had but formed with your own hand, turned against You? I can see a small piece of how death became the only option. How deeply you must have loved us Lord, if I a mere human can feel so broken over people I never truly had to this point of realization.
How deep and wide is your love of LORD that You do not turn and run from us because of the the pain.
I never had him, but I loved him. My heart is breaking, but not simply because of love lost or unrequited. So much has changed so quickly and it all seems so unfair. Lord, the turmoil you must have felt when your own creation, whom you not simply had but formed with your own hand, turned against You? I can see a small piece of how death became the only option. How deeply you must have loved us Lord, if I a mere human can feel so broken over people I never truly had to this point of realization.
How deep and wide is your love of LORD that You do not turn and run from us because of the the pain.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Living Dead
No music.
No dramatic pause.
Just the nitty gritty and thus the end of an era.
The end of my life as I know it--knew it.
I didn't think I could go on like this,
But my empty vessel,
This corpse of a body will keep moving,
I am the living dead.
No dramatic pause.
Just the nitty gritty and thus the end of an era.
The end of my life as I know it--knew it.
I didn't think I could go on like this,
But my empty vessel,
This corpse of a body will keep moving,
I am the living dead.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Hear say is confusing...
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
++
(free write)
Knowing what you feel for me is hard.
Why would you tell someone else and not me?
Why would they tell me when you told them to keep it to themselves?
Can I trust what they say?
If it is true, I am afraid.
I am afraid that I may do something that will cause you to stop your feelings for me.
The things that we know can change us.
If you have not yet spoken the truth to me that means that we are not ready to be changed.
By simply knowing I have been changed.
What more will consequently be changed?
++
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
++
(free write)
Knowing what you feel for me is hard.
Why would you tell someone else and not me?
Why would they tell me when you told them to keep it to themselves?
Can I trust what they say?
If it is true, I am afraid.
I am afraid that I may do something that will cause you to stop your feelings for me.
The things that we know can change us.
If you have not yet spoken the truth to me that means that we are not ready to be changed.
By simply knowing I have been changed.
What more will consequently be changed?
++
Hear say is confusing,
Especially in regards to matter of the heart,
Seeds pushed down so deep that they tear me apart.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Free Write 12/26/2009
Love you from a distance isn't easy when I'm standing so close to you. To be honest, it is painful.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomac, full of butterflies, churns anxiously, anticipating the moment when you will leave.
Once you move from sight that hole returns. that gaping hole in teh center of my chest with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I want to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painful reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someon only to stand in the cold outside their front door unreceived.
Somtimes, like a mut, you crawl to their back door to partak of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied--still hungering, still thirsting for more--their love.
Yet still, without reserve you give yoruself over to them. Taking the pain of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holdign tight to emotions taht are only to be mentioned in drunken moment, called out in times whn no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. You are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarassment.
Why do you love given the circumstances?
You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world, our love is imperfect and often misdirected. Thus, there are tiems when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait.
I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn't easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this love, in time, will bring to fruition life's beauty.
Love.
When you are near my heart beats furiously and my stomac, full of butterflies, churns anxiously, anticipating the moment when you will leave.
Once you move from sight that hole returns. that gaping hole in teh center of my chest with its searing edges eating through the whole of me as I want to be truly seen by your eyes.
It is a painful reality to love without reciprocation having given your warmth to someon only to stand in the cold outside their front door unreceived.
Somtimes, like a mut, you crawl to their back door to partak of whatever scraps they may throw, but their garbage leaves you unsatisfied--still hungering, still thirsting for more--their love.
Yet still, without reserve you give yoruself over to them. Taking the pain of budding romance deep within yourself. You stand garnished with a crown of thorns holdign tight to emotions taht are only to be mentioned in drunken moment, called out in times whn no one, not even you, will fully remember what was said. You are left standing in the dark of this cathartic moment clothed in a lingering sense of discontentment and embarassment.
Why do you love given the circumstances?
You do so because it is your purpose to love. Your life is a pursuit of love, a gift of love, a reality of loves actions. Unfortunately, in the world, our love is imperfect and often misdirected. Thus, there are tiems when we love what we do not need, cannot have and should not want. That said, the love between a man and a woman can be beautiful when pruned to the mirror image of Christ and the Church.
So, I wait.
I wait for the moment when this seed becomes a rose and these thorns, while still a struggle, are redeemed with beauty. A beauty not our own but centered upon our 1st love as we look out together in a purposeful moment.
As I wait for you to be ready, loving you from a distance isn't easy when we are standing so close. In fact, it is painful, but this love, in time, will bring to fruition life's beauty.
Love.
[Dear Love] 12/17/09
Dear Love,
This ain't the 1st time I've written you,
But you already know that.
I'm sure that your mailbox is pretty fat,
Fat like a bear in winter.
Letters just hybernatin',
Waitin' for you to respond.
But you, Love,
You're like waitin' for a court date.
You're PO and Lawyer assure you it's comin' soon,
But in your cell you wait and wait
For a sentence of hope not impending doom.
Usually your messages are far and few,
But every now and gain one comes like a car crash
and BOOM,
You are in LOVE.
Real talk though.
The last time you came to visit
You broke my favorite coffee mug,
You know teh one with the heart
That said, "L.O.V.E."
I let you use it cause
You were convinced it was your name,
But it wasn't for you,
You ain't got that much fame, I think,
Anyhow,
Your response was kind of lame,
Yous said,
"If you weren't just letting anyone use it
Might no have been so fragile,
So easily broken.
One more drop and BAM its gone.
That's your fault and I can't
Replace it.
Suppose you gonna have to pick up the pieces and
Face it.
But now that I think about it
You just might be right.
I suppose in themoment
Emotion Won
Got Defensive
Would rather fight.
So, Love,
When you get this letter,
Please forgive me
I've been careless
And now that
I'm broken reality
I see.
I'll do some work
a little healing
And next time you come around
Please,
Don't forget me.
Your always welcome
In your hometown of
H.E.A.R.T.
Sincerely, Yours
This ain't the 1st time I've written you,
But you already know that.
I'm sure that your mailbox is pretty fat,
Fat like a bear in winter.
Letters just hybernatin',
Waitin' for you to respond.
But you, Love,
You're like waitin' for a court date.
You're PO and Lawyer assure you it's comin' soon,
But in your cell you wait and wait
For a sentence of hope not impending doom.
Usually your messages are far and few,
But every now and gain one comes like a car crash
and BOOM,
You are in LOVE.
Real talk though.
The last time you came to visit
You broke my favorite coffee mug,
You know teh one with the heart
That said, "L.O.V.E."
I let you use it cause
You were convinced it was your name,
But it wasn't for you,
You ain't got that much fame, I think,
Anyhow,
Your response was kind of lame,
Yous said,
"If you weren't just letting anyone use it
Might no have been so fragile,
So easily broken.
One more drop and BAM its gone.
That's your fault and I can't
Replace it.
Suppose you gonna have to pick up the pieces and
Face it.
But now that I think about it
You just might be right.
I suppose in themoment
Emotion Won
Got Defensive
Would rather fight.
So, Love,
When you get this letter,
Please forgive me
I've been careless
And now that
I'm broken reality
I see.
I'll do some work
a little healing
And next time you come around
Please,
Don't forget me.
Your always welcome
In your hometown of
H.E.A.R.T.
Sincerely, Yours
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