The me that exists in the university classroom does not, and for the most part cannot, exist in the real world. She is her own creation. In that context knowing it all is expected, implored, and appreciated. In the world this is not the case.
In the world the same people who implore you for your knowledge will most often be the same people who condemn you. The amount of information is never right. It is always either too much or too little. You are either living under your potential or trying too hard. Such inconsistency only exasberates this struggle and leaves me exhausted.
I had hoped that in this transition I would feel relieved and revitalized. Instead I am tired and depressed. I am not worn out, per say, but the years of work do not seem to have reaped the return I had hoped. I wanted to walk away with my degree and years of work experience "happy", but I am far from it. As the saying goes, "Where I go there I am" (PMVC).
In a sense I have raped my body, mind and spirit of its energy and reserves to climb a mountain that may not have been worth climbing. I am lonely as ever. Books do not bring the same safety they did even a day ago. I am striving nonetheless as best I know how. With book after book in hand I am searching for the message I never heard. The message where if I had heard it I may not have tried so hard in years past because trying would not have been as necessary as being.
The hope in my spirit does not burn the same as it once did. Could it be that it was all in my mind? A false sense of idealism built on the knowledge of men lacking the wisdom and heart of God is no place to stand, let alone a place to build a light house.
I cry from what I know, and even more I weep for what I desire. The weight of the world is terrible--full of pain. Too much to bare. It leaves me tattered and naked stuck beneath its torrent and fear. How can I be still when everything is dying around me? When I can see and smell the rotting? And yet, I know that I by myself am without power--I need the Lord.
I desire wholeness and freedom that I may be able to throw off these weights and be free, but I do not know what freedom means? Why didn't I spend four years searching after God and God alone. I thought that I had found Him, but I know the truth is He found me. Why did I turn my back so coldly to bury myself in the words of humanity?
I have lost the ability to connect. Sleep no longer renews me. It is what I do when I need to escape, and even then there is no escape from oneself. Why then can I seemingly escape the presence of God--even when I do not want to?
For these I have no answers, but the Word says,
"The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)
"Give thanks to the LORD for He is good. His love endures forever." (1st Chronicles 16:34)
"I am the good shepherd. The shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." (John 10:11)
"I am the good shepherd. I know my sheep and my sheep know me." (John 10:14)
"God so loved the world that He gave is one and only Son that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe in Him is already condemned, already because He has not believe in the name of God's one and only Son." (John 3:16-18)
"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men love darkness instead of light because of their deed were evil. Everyone who does darkness hates the light and will not come into the light for fear that his deed will be exposed." (John 3:19-20)
I do believe. Why am I still bound? If I cannot break free by my own volition, why then can I be bound by my own action even though my Spirit craves the freedom that only God can provide?
I do not know. I suppose I will have to wait on the Lord.
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