Daddy's Girl

Growing up in the absence of a father isn't easy.  So many young women act out, and justify not only their actions but also the consequences as a direct result of an absent father.  While I give some weight to such an argument I have often found it offensive, but now as I mull my offense over in my head I am finding that I am far from offended--I am wondering if it may be true and that scares me.

I realize that for twenty-two years I have been searching for a father.  But, while I was searching, somewhere in the midst of the darkness, I was supposed to grow up.  How does one grow up fatherless?  I have often wondered what would it have been like if he had been there? What would I be like?  Would I be better?  Worse?  Simply different?  I was never sexually promiscuous, a drinker or smoker, and for the most part, by all earthly standards, I have beat the odds.

Despite "turning out ok" I see my friends and mentors with their children and somewhere deep inside it still hurts. It is the same pain I felt as a child when I would visit a friend's house and see just how much their daddy loved them.   A river of tears wells up from a hidden cavern of pain and it is at that point that all of my insecurities come out to feed.   I fall apart and at the place of least resistance every father and every father figure becomes like a falling stone of disappointment.  

I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, but sometimes even that hurts.  That simple truth can leave one with so many questions and so few solid answers.  I suppose sometimes the only answer that matters is the truth and accepting it at face value, but that is easier said than done.

The challenge then is to grow-up regardless.  The search now has to end both in light of my age and in respect to the truth.  My greatest struggle though is that adulthood, at least in the United States, is one of individuality and the development of one's own family unit--thus far success is without crete.  Why is that?