Free Write: Knot in the pit of my stomach...

Knot in the pit of my stomach why must you persists?
The tightness is confining and my eyes cannot resist the need to create release through tears held back by fears shouting out, "The people might see"
They might see that I am not as strong as I pretend to be
My legs are jittery
I am proned to running
I have had this itch like a twitch in my limbs for far too many years
But my will is stronger than it used to be so I stay longer than I was intending
Rendering the deepening of roots of this tree that are preventing me from retreating
Creating a boundary that feels more homely and yet I am all the more lonely
Conforming to this hurting its unearthing this ugly while I set in the corner of my mind struggling shaking and quaking raking and staking the land of my soul trying to claim it as my own with this name that is borrowed and this sight that is narrowed and a prophesy that's furrowed into my future dreams it seems they are transforming and I am hoping this knot it'll cease so that life can persists a little more free

Here's to the Throwbacks...

Here’s to the throwbacks…
To hot cousins and naïve friends,
To 1st kisses & hits & misses,
To missing friends and friends gone missing,
To the guys who never call and the girls who always fall,
To the moments we cherish and the moments that teach us how to cherish,
To the one who taught you how to drink and the drink that taught you you’ve had enough,
To the one who taught you how to think and the thought that set you free,
Gone head and hang tough (keep yo’ head up),
To the father and the absentee to the mother who tried be both he and she you were the best that you could be,
And to my Riders,
Yeah, my RODs, the one’s who aren’t afraid to tell me when my shit/stuff stinks…
This one’s for you.

Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and the should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this one’s for you my long distant lover the way you hover sends shivers down my spine,
And yet we found in time that you were not given to rhythm or rhyme so I had to let you go because I’m partial to the flow.

Here’s to the cries for Daddy that still persist and the walls that help me to resist the pain,
To late night conversation and averted confrontations,
To long runs in the rain down on me let your love just fall like rain drops and pick-up trucks in the Indiana heat,
Hot cement beneath my feat runnin’ to the pool to get cool while guys like LL stand on the corner lickin’ their lips at fine women rockin’ their daisy dukes and shakin’ their hips in the “summer summer summer” time.

Cause I know that’s right,
Playing outside with the setting sun until the streets light come on,
Welcoming the night for what its worth,
Sitting on our bikes hidden on porches making prank calls telling our mom’s were staying at such and such’s home because we hate our own and I’d rather be with the block boys than be alone,
All the while thinking “how did we get here” cause nobody’s supposed be here,
But here is where we stood and there is where we promised to save our hood,
That we would give ourselves over for the common good cause Vacation Bible School in the summer made us feel like we should and urban missionaries told us we could have more if we wanted it we just gotta be good and since only Jesus can saves us we party through the weekend and go to church on Sunday
Monday we’re back to the grind until Friday comes and he messed with her and she messed with him and he messed she and she got with him,
She had 3 babies by the age of 14
He was in jail before he could even think
He was shot and killed before he met 18
He learned to deal and she learned to read
And she committed to the get the hell up out here
Got into those college test and said never again will I be up in this mess,
But these thoughts they persist and I’m lost in distress dislodged in egress,
Throwbacks that come back in memories and flashbacks set off by the right scents moments like movies that make you laugh and then lead you to repent
Cause I remember,
Looking into each other’s souls like mirrors wanting for something more ding dong ditchin’ on every door searching for love in all the wrong places and hiding our hearts in all the wrong the spaces knowing the scars disfigurin’ our faces and slashes on hearts only hope can resurface and its no wonder we didn’t all make it through this

So here’s to the throwbacks…
To all the little one’s that live in fear
To the boys who pack heat until their hearts are seared
To the girls who give in because they want them boys to care
To the grandma who preaches throughout the years,
Big Mama your words did not fall on deaf ears
To the mother who cries and tries and perseveres
To the father, my daddy, who hurts, your pain is sincere I know if you could you’d love to be here.

Its for the haves and the have nots,
The should and should nots,
The wants and the want knots in the pit of my stomach this is not the end though the moments may feels as if they are suspended in animation this is no forever situation we will move beyond the momentary irritation and be better for it
So release the flood gates our souls need irrigation for hope we cry out in lamentation cause we know its true, only Jesus can save us

So here’s to the throwbacks of cracked sidewalks where roses appear red elegance its beauty instills hope where there was fear that even where there’s ugly beauty will appear
So bloom my block boys and bloom my block girls these throwback they grow back to move forward overcoming the years

Justice Trust This

singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone

You see my people we’re getting lazy and our sight is getting hazy where there is no vision we will perish and die
We live in a world without real lovers our hate it hides and hovers over mask we’re too afraid to cry
So we give in to our frustration complacent our situation my people I implore you to give one love a try
To cry out for justice cause our children trust us and we’ve got to bust this open wide its time
Time
Time to set the captive free
No more will poor education be our noose and tree
We’ll find hope in our unwritten histories the things they’re to afraid to teach us
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beats us
Not a secret
Cause in the end its ignorance that defeats us beat us
Repeat us in the same old chains doing the same ol’ thang playing the same ol’ games until we go insane
We are filled we rage
We stand inflamed
I will not be caged
I will break this chains
Its time to turn this page

singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this it for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this it for Osama

I was walkin’ down the street the other day when injustice approached and walked by my way
At first I was confused I didn’t know what to say cause usually I’d turn around and walk the other way
But today it was different I refused to be the same I picked up my voice that had sat in decay I
Re-recorded new message pressed play the whole street moved and started to sway
The people came out and they began to sing
Injustice was afraid and couldn’t believe how humanity began unifying because of one small voice that decided to sing
Injustice felt sad and started crying and I know that its bad but I was kind of happy to see this bully a broken being and then I felt pain and I fell to my knees
A bright light began sternly speaking, get off your high horse remove the label and see that injustice is justice in human frailty and both of them are living in the blood of your being
So I reflected saw the proof in the truth how human hands were the cause of living uncouth
Actions and decisions missing precision in love
So I turned to injustice and I give it a hug
And suddenly like magically it just appeared one love it cried out when we gave up fear
Injustice stood up and shed a tear and decided it was time for a new career
Changed its name to just justice and grew strong and gladly one love became our hearts song
And we learned that anyone and anything can change we just got to have the courage to remove the chains

singing:
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone
Justice trust this its for everyone
I’m telling you this justice trust this its for everyone

Justice trust this its for everyone to pursue from me to you
It’s the choice not to live violent
The choice not to be silent in the midst of it all
It is not limited or defined by our melonin but it cannot be enacted without the human
This justice trust this for everyone to pursue from me to you
So what are we going to do?

Free Write: Based on Last Word

This countertop is cold
Cold like the look I gave you when I told you to go
Go away from here
Here is where you left me
Me, a word I say too often
Often I find myself standing in a room with no walls but obvious boundaries
Boundaries is what my heart needs to keep it inside this flesh, you see
Seeing is believing but what if you are blind
Blind to the World
The World can be so cold

Generally Speaking...

Generally speaking this website hasn't gotten much play lately. It has been slightly overshadowed by the handiness of a notebook and pen that can go everywhere with me versus a computer and internet that is really only functional in sedentary places.

As of late, I have been feeling a lot like I am chasing the sun/Son. Clearly, that cannot be so. My brain tells me that the sun/Son has been chasing me, and so I akwardly cock my head backwards to try to catch a glimpse of the rays but they remain unseen. To me at least.

More often than not I am confused and conflicted. My heart and mind simoultaneously abuse each other. Productivity is low and in the heat of this unruly adventure I sweat profusely...waiting for my deodorant to kick-in...or give out. This is the anxiety talking; causing me to feel like I cannot do enough, give enough, be enough.

Feeling as if I am forever reaching behind my ears hoping to change the tapes that have been playing since birth. They are not good enough. At times I listen. They tell me I'm not good enough and the battle ensues. It is usually easier to listen to them in complacency than it is continue pushing forward for their changing. On any account, I know that they are not the right casettes and so I will keep reaching until I can change them.

I am not afraid though. This is what causes me to believe Your not chasing me. It pushes me to trust that You are in me. Walking with me. I am not alone.

In this moment I pick up a mental stone. No, not to chuck or throw, to lay down. To build a memorial. To remember that there are times when I find peace and ease despite the complexity and pain of the world around me.

My Mother used to say, "Let go and let God."

When I have children I will say, "Let God. Trust God. God will do whatever God wants whether you are holding on or not. Letting go just may make it easier and little less painful. That said, in the end God works for the good of those who love God."

It'll take a lot longer to say, but it might be a little more descriptive.

No less easier said. And of course, no more easier done.

Sometimes it just helps to admit that something hurts you.

If you are anything like me, you try not admit any amount of hurt. Even if you admit fault, you never want anyone to think that they had, let alone have, the power to hurt you.

For 7 years, over 1/4 of my life, I poured energy, time and talent into a community. Eventually it turned into a job, but I worked beyond the job, beyond the pay, beyond the job description, because believed I had found a place where all of my passions (Christ, service, community, community development, reconciliation, volunteerism, the Arts, etc.) could come together for the greater good. I felt so incredibly lucky to have discovered this place at such a young age.

I'm learning that utopia's are never what they seem when humanity is involved.

I left that community by what I considered to be God's leading. That community and that work felt like the only earthly items (if you can call them that) in my hands that really meant anything. Letting those go brought me to a place of such deep brokenness. A brokenness through which I am still digging my way out.

Silence in the Clinic

I took you to the clinic today.
We sat in the waiting room making small talk trying to ignore our old friend "worry".
Acting like "Worry" isn't staring us in the face.
Acting like "Worry" isn't pressing in on us from every side.
We would be silent but "Worry" can't be quiet.
"Worry" always seems to fill the empty spaces with "Fear".
And so we push the silence away with our own chatter because "Fear" is a friend to no one, let alone to us.
But at the moment silence would be nice.
We spend so much time in chatter that we neglect to make space to tell eachother that we are afraid.
"Fear" may be a foe, but beign afraid is natural when traveling through the unknown.
If we had space to be honest, the silence to fill with the truth beyond chatter we would know that we are not alone.
"Fear" and "Worry" are not our only companions.
"Courage" stands near because despite "Fear" and "Worry" we move forward asking our questions and taking test where the results whether positive or negative leave us with choices and implications that only lead to more of life's complications and complexities.
Thus we stand holding hands with our friend "Wondering" whom often simply wanders through our days and stumbles through our nights.
As we sit together chatter becomes too laborius, "Silence" too complicated to articulate, and the quiet throbbing of our hearts too loud to bare.
Gently laying my hand on your knee I give you a wordless glance that speaks volumes and I leave the waiting room.
Silenced by labels placed over your mouth you are rejected in many places, frowned upon by self-righteous faces.
How do we remain silent in the midst of so much noisy hatred?
How can we be heard when drowned out by so much pain?
Each of us now sit alone with "Worry" running aimlessly from "Fear".
I commit myself to a chair in the front lobby and you to an examination table surrounded by walls telling stories unheard, marked with frames holding confidentiality statements and public service announcements regarding safe sex practices.
We both sit with our friend "Waiting" in a room where time stands still so there's no telling when we will find healing.
So we sit dealing with the lingering pauses of the second hand...
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Time seems like its slowing but silence is just now beginning to get going and in it we start to wrestle with "Reality"