Now and Later

I wish I could call you.
I wish I could call you right now.
Unfortunately, I can't.
This sucks.
Really, it does.
However, it could always be worse.

At least I have this handy dandy blog to let the world know, and maybe even you, that I wish I could call you.
Right now.

Even better.
Now will pass and it will eventually be later.
Maybe later I can call you.

an account

Warmth pours from the sanctuary
Beckoning me to enter the space
So dimly lit by candle light

Where music moves through the air
Brushing this beautiful soul
Stroking my heart with golden notes only God knows

They sit and stand,
Mournfully celebrating in the presence of the deceased
Not the death but the life that she leaves

If you look,
My mama sits in the front row
I love that black dress
Her hand on my sister’s
Moving with a mother’s gentle caress

She’s got tears up on her cheek
Red where there once was white space
Surprisingly there’s a smile on her face
As pictures of a small girl grown into a woman
Flash across a screen while set to joyful music

My brother hides his face
Never looking at the case
But its cleared he is moved by emotion
As he shakes violently never making a sound
Other than a momentary hiccup to catch his breath
*breathe*
He glances around

I wave to him but he can’t see
Blinded by grief and this decomposing body
I wish he could see what I see
The glory of God and this brand new me
I struggle to say it but truth is I’m happy

A friend walks to the podium and begins to speak
I’m anxious to hear what they’ll say about me
But before I can listen I stroll to the front
Where the box is set and flowers hung

Ma, it’s much more festive than I would have thought
Yellow daisies and lilies to place at the plot
I look in the case where my humanity lay
I recognize the face an empty vessel made of dirt and clay
The body at rest cause death is inevitable
But in God we trust cause life is eternal

They start to say nice things about the life I lived
Of course,
Only the visual public memories
As if to disregard my private sins

But I can’t hide I know what I did,
Where I’ve been,
My own personal hell on earth hidden deep within

Suddenly I’m flooded by the truth
Falling to my knees
*Hard STOP*
The candles CEASE and it is DARK

These wounds like festering disease
Old demons haunting me
Those things in life that captured me,
Outright enrapture me
Chaining my attention to earthly frivolity,
Keeping me from the one who created me

Darkness falls
I strain my new eyes
Searching for any sign of light or life
No, not separation, not separation
My God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you denied me access to You
For whom my spirit thirst and seeks
Both in life and in passing
I’m on my knees begging God please
Don’t leave me like this

Is that there a candle?
Even a small light cannot be hidden in darkness.
I crawl towards it.

Wait!
Do you hear that?
I know that voice.
I’ve heard it before but not like this
New ears bring clarity to a sound once hidden
By the static of humanity

*singing*
Be still and know that I am God x3

Darkness gives way to light
A light that I have never seen before
Receiving with more than eyes wide open
Not just windows but my soul fully revealed
No longer concealed by grave clothes
Free to receive this love envelops me
Lifting me up in arms on angels wings
To a new elevation away from this twisted defiled creation

I look down to earth and see their faces
The ones I love left with my life’s traces

I turn to God and begin to plead:
Most High, my God,
Please hear me.
My life ain’t been perfect
I’ve made some mistakes
Left some with hurts that I cannot take
But LORD God I ask this time you’d redeem
I know there’s some good from the life that I leave
It can’t all be bad if its you that I see

A gentle voice reaches deep down inside of me:
Love, It’s already done
I’ve search the crevice and caverns of your soul
In your life I knew when you would sit and when you would rise
Nothing in your time has been a surprise
Even your darkness has shined like day unto me
A legacy of love your life redeemed
Yes, I saw your private iniquities
Yes, some have experienced them as public realities
But I forgave them when you fell on bended knee
And your savior interceded
Like a lawyer on your behalf (to me)

There are no tears past that stone
NO nashing of teeth shall you see
No separation from me
I want you
You’ve been made clean

Well done my love,
My good and faithful servant,
Welcome home
Won’t you come to sit and talk (w/me)
Ask your questions and concerns from earth that you bring
And afterwards there’s celebration
One of greatest parties you’ll ever see
We’ll sing, we’ll dance, hey, I know you like to eat
So, there’ll be food you’ll sit with me
Guest of honor
My child who has come home to be with family

Prayer

Yes, LORD your servant is listening. I recieve this calling. I am afraid of the responsibility, but I trust You LORD. I will mess up somewhere along the way and so I ask your forgiveness now (and will without a doubt ask again later). LORD, I know You are faithful. You will go before me, walk with me and stay when I leave. Will You come into where I am broken and make me usable? I love You LORD. I place my life in Your hands. This extra ordinary woman trusts You. Do something extraordinary in me LORD that I may serve You well.

Time will Tell

How is it that all once you can say...

Don't wait for him, but be patient with me.

Your too good for him, but I don't want you.

I love you, but I can't be with you.

I need you, but keep your distance.

You are the one, but I can't.

I tell you now...

It hurts me, but it won't kill me.

It bends me, but it won't break me.

I want you, but I don't need you.

I'd live life with you, but I can live without you.

I love you, but I can let go.

I'm waiting now, but not forever.

Time will tell.

Plane Rides

Plane rides give you a lot of time to think...

I was thinking...

I'd write you love letters with paper and pen.

I'd play guitar and sing to my heart's content every morning and every night.

I'd journal each day so as not to forget one moment of this life together.

I'd go to jazz and reggae clubs without reservation because I'm honestly there for the music.

I'd always have my camera so that I could capture those images that I'd otherwise see only once and inevitably have no one, at the time, to share it with.

I'd tell you I love you and this time you would hear me.

I'd ask for forgiveness and you would oblige.

I'd never miss a sunrise and would take time out to stare at the wonder of the sunset.

I'd think more and speak less.

I'd memorize the contours of your face and the texture of your laughs before you walk away from me.

I'd write my heart song so you could sing it with me.

I'd paint the pictures of my mind.

I'd tell stories that reveal truth and heal wounds.

I'd say those things of which I'm most afraid but most need to hear.

I'd ask with courage and faith those questions to which I know no earthly answer exists.

I'd stop toiling to my own avail and remember that one of the greatest gifts we have to give is our "touch". To touch one another physically, to touch each other's lives, to be touched and to receive touch--love.

I'd let You strip me naked of these grave clothes and clothe me as your bride--redeem me--redemption.

I'd let go of these insecurities and ignore the societal pressures and standards of beauty and acceptance.

I'd let go of my pride and let you inside.

I'd admit I'm afraid of the possibilities and so I write them off as impossible. I would in turn recognize the possibilities.

I'd rescue you if I could rescue myself.

I'd never worry if I could always remember Your in control--your footprints in the sand and my body in your hands.

I'd pray without ceasing if I could just get started.

Plane rides can give you too much time to think and just enough time to try to forget.

I Get Myself in Trouble

I swear I get myself in trouble.

I care so much, but by worldly standards I care too much. I don't want people to take me the wrong way and yet they do.

It is hard to be kind, friendly and compassionate without someone thinking:

1. You have other motives. Folks can't just be nice. It seems people always assume there are strings attached.

2. You are trying to holler. Usually not the case with me. I don't have enough guts to holler. Not to mention, I don't want to holler like this.

It is very frustrating. At what point does it become clear..."I honestly care. I don't have any other motives. I just care for you and your well-being. Can I do that? Can I be there for you?"

Anyhow, enough of my rant and rave...

Song Writer's Block

I got plenty of chords,
Plenty of bridges,
I've even got the chorus,
But I'm missin' the lyrics.

What's a heart to do,
When they can find the tune,
But the words are far and few,
Heart trapped,
Steady feelin'.

*I need some lyrics...*