an account

Warmth pours from the sanctuary
Beckoning me to enter the space
So dimly lit by candle light

Where music moves through the air
Brushing this beautiful soul
Stroking my heart with golden notes only God knows

They sit and stand,
Mournfully celebrating in the presence of the deceased
Not the death but the life that she leaves

If you look,
My mama sits in the front row
I love that black dress
Her hand on my sister’s
Moving with a mother’s gentle caress

She’s got tears up on her cheek
Red where there once was white space
Surprisingly there’s a smile on her face
As pictures of a small girl grown into a woman
Flash across a screen while set to joyful music

My brother hides his face
Never looking at the case
But its cleared he is moved by emotion
As he shakes violently never making a sound
Other than a momentary hiccup to catch his breath
*breathe*
He glances around

I wave to him but he can’t see
Blinded by grief and this decomposing body
I wish he could see what I see
The glory of God and this brand new me
I struggle to say it but truth is I’m happy

A friend walks to the podium and begins to speak
I’m anxious to hear what they’ll say about me
But before I can listen I stroll to the front
Where the box is set and flowers hung

Ma, it’s much more festive than I would have thought
Yellow daisies and lilies to place at the plot
I look in the case where my humanity lay
I recognize the face an empty vessel made of dirt and clay
The body at rest cause death is inevitable
But in God we trust cause life is eternal

They start to say nice things about the life I lived
Of course,
Only the visual public memories
As if to disregard my private sins

But I can’t hide I know what I did,
Where I’ve been,
My own personal hell on earth hidden deep within

Suddenly I’m flooded by the truth
Falling to my knees
*Hard STOP*
The candles CEASE and it is DARK

These wounds like festering disease
Old demons haunting me
Those things in life that captured me,
Outright enrapture me
Chaining my attention to earthly frivolity,
Keeping me from the one who created me

Darkness falls
I strain my new eyes
Searching for any sign of light or life
No, not separation, not separation
My God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you denied me access to You
For whom my spirit thirst and seeks
Both in life and in passing
I’m on my knees begging God please
Don’t leave me like this

Is that there a candle?
Even a small light cannot be hidden in darkness.
I crawl towards it.

Wait!
Do you hear that?
I know that voice.
I’ve heard it before but not like this
New ears bring clarity to a sound once hidden
By the static of humanity

*singing*
Be still and know that I am God x3

Darkness gives way to light
A light that I have never seen before
Receiving with more than eyes wide open
Not just windows but my soul fully revealed
No longer concealed by grave clothes
Free to receive this love envelops me
Lifting me up in arms on angels wings
To a new elevation away from this twisted defiled creation

I look down to earth and see their faces
The ones I love left with my life’s traces

I turn to God and begin to plead:
Most High, my God,
Please hear me.
My life ain’t been perfect
I’ve made some mistakes
Left some with hurts that I cannot take
But LORD God I ask this time you’d redeem
I know there’s some good from the life that I leave
It can’t all be bad if its you that I see

A gentle voice reaches deep down inside of me:
Love, It’s already done
I’ve search the crevice and caverns of your soul
In your life I knew when you would sit and when you would rise
Nothing in your time has been a surprise
Even your darkness has shined like day unto me
A legacy of love your life redeemed
Yes, I saw your private iniquities
Yes, some have experienced them as public realities
But I forgave them when you fell on bended knee
And your savior interceded
Like a lawyer on your behalf (to me)

There are no tears past that stone
NO nashing of teeth shall you see
No separation from me
I want you
You’ve been made clean

Well done my love,
My good and faithful servant,
Welcome home
Won’t you come to sit and talk (w/me)
Ask your questions and concerns from earth that you bring
And afterwards there’s celebration
One of greatest parties you’ll ever see
We’ll sing, we’ll dance, hey, I know you like to eat
So, there’ll be food you’ll sit with me
Guest of honor
My child who has come home to be with family