an account

Warmth pours from the sanctuary
Beckoning me to enter the space
So dimly lit by candle light

Where music moves through the air
Brushing this beautiful soul
Stroking my heart with golden notes only God knows

They sit and stand,
Mournfully celebrating in the presence of the deceased
Not the death but the life that she leaves

If you look,
My mama sits in the front row
I love that black dress
Her hand on my sister’s
Moving with a mother’s gentle caress

She’s got tears up on her cheek
Red where there once was white space
Surprisingly there’s a smile on her face
As pictures of a small girl grown into a woman
Flash across a screen while set to joyful music

My brother hides his face
Never looking at the case
But its cleared he is moved by emotion
As he shakes violently never making a sound
Other than a momentary hiccup to catch his breath
*breathe*
He glances around

I wave to him but he can’t see
Blinded by grief and this decomposing body
I wish he could see what I see
The glory of God and this brand new me
I struggle to say it but truth is I’m happy

A friend walks to the podium and begins to speak
I’m anxious to hear what they’ll say about me
But before I can listen I stroll to the front
Where the box is set and flowers hung

Ma, it’s much more festive than I would have thought
Yellow daisies and lilies to place at the plot
I look in the case where my humanity lay
I recognize the face an empty vessel made of dirt and clay
The body at rest cause death is inevitable
But in God we trust cause life is eternal

They start to say nice things about the life I lived
Of course,
Only the visual public memories
As if to disregard my private sins

But I can’t hide I know what I did,
Where I’ve been,
My own personal hell on earth hidden deep within

Suddenly I’m flooded by the truth
Falling to my knees
*Hard STOP*
The candles CEASE and it is DARK

These wounds like festering disease
Old demons haunting me
Those things in life that captured me,
Outright enrapture me
Chaining my attention to earthly frivolity,
Keeping me from the one who created me

Darkness falls
I strain my new eyes
Searching for any sign of light or life
No, not separation, not separation
My God why have you forsaken me?
Why have you denied me access to You
For whom my spirit thirst and seeks
Both in life and in passing
I’m on my knees begging God please
Don’t leave me like this

Is that there a candle?
Even a small light cannot be hidden in darkness.
I crawl towards it.

Wait!
Do you hear that?
I know that voice.
I’ve heard it before but not like this
New ears bring clarity to a sound once hidden
By the static of humanity

*singing*
Be still and know that I am God x3

Darkness gives way to light
A light that I have never seen before
Receiving with more than eyes wide open
Not just windows but my soul fully revealed
No longer concealed by grave clothes
Free to receive this love envelops me
Lifting me up in arms on angels wings
To a new elevation away from this twisted defiled creation

I look down to earth and see their faces
The ones I love left with my life’s traces

I turn to God and begin to plead:
Most High, my God,
Please hear me.
My life ain’t been perfect
I’ve made some mistakes
Left some with hurts that I cannot take
But LORD God I ask this time you’d redeem
I know there’s some good from the life that I leave
It can’t all be bad if its you that I see

A gentle voice reaches deep down inside of me:
Love, It’s already done
I’ve search the crevice and caverns of your soul
In your life I knew when you would sit and when you would rise
Nothing in your time has been a surprise
Even your darkness has shined like day unto me
A legacy of love your life redeemed
Yes, I saw your private iniquities
Yes, some have experienced them as public realities
But I forgave them when you fell on bended knee
And your savior interceded
Like a lawyer on your behalf (to me)

There are no tears past that stone
NO nashing of teeth shall you see
No separation from me
I want you
You’ve been made clean

Well done my love,
My good and faithful servant,
Welcome home
Won’t you come to sit and talk (w/me)
Ask your questions and concerns from earth that you bring
And afterwards there’s celebration
One of greatest parties you’ll ever see
We’ll sing, we’ll dance, hey, I know you like to eat
So, there’ll be food you’ll sit with me
Guest of honor
My child who has come home to be with family

Prayer

Yes, LORD your servant is listening. I recieve this calling. I am afraid of the responsibility, but I trust You LORD. I will mess up somewhere along the way and so I ask your forgiveness now (and will without a doubt ask again later). LORD, I know You are faithful. You will go before me, walk with me and stay when I leave. Will You come into where I am broken and make me usable? I love You LORD. I place my life in Your hands. This extra ordinary woman trusts You. Do something extraordinary in me LORD that I may serve You well.

Time will Tell

How is it that all once you can say...

Don't wait for him, but be patient with me.

Your too good for him, but I don't want you.

I love you, but I can't be with you.

I need you, but keep your distance.

You are the one, but I can't.

I tell you now...

It hurts me, but it won't kill me.

It bends me, but it won't break me.

I want you, but I don't need you.

I'd live life with you, but I can live without you.

I love you, but I can let go.

I'm waiting now, but not forever.

Time will tell.

Plane Rides

Plane rides give you a lot of time to think...

I was thinking...

I'd write you love letters with paper and pen.

I'd play guitar and sing to my heart's content every morning and every night.

I'd journal each day so as not to forget one moment of this life together.

I'd go to jazz and reggae clubs without reservation because I'm honestly there for the music.

I'd always have my camera so that I could capture those images that I'd otherwise see only once and inevitably have no one, at the time, to share it with.

I'd tell you I love you and this time you would hear me.

I'd ask for forgiveness and you would oblige.

I'd never miss a sunrise and would take time out to stare at the wonder of the sunset.

I'd think more and speak less.

I'd memorize the contours of your face and the texture of your laughs before you walk away from me.

I'd write my heart song so you could sing it with me.

I'd paint the pictures of my mind.

I'd tell stories that reveal truth and heal wounds.

I'd say those things of which I'm most afraid but most need to hear.

I'd ask with courage and faith those questions to which I know no earthly answer exists.

I'd stop toiling to my own avail and remember that one of the greatest gifts we have to give is our "touch". To touch one another physically, to touch each other's lives, to be touched and to receive touch--love.

I'd let You strip me naked of these grave clothes and clothe me as your bride--redeem me--redemption.

I'd let go of these insecurities and ignore the societal pressures and standards of beauty and acceptance.

I'd let go of my pride and let you inside.

I'd admit I'm afraid of the possibilities and so I write them off as impossible. I would in turn recognize the possibilities.

I'd rescue you if I could rescue myself.

I'd never worry if I could always remember Your in control--your footprints in the sand and my body in your hands.

I'd pray without ceasing if I could just get started.

Plane rides can give you too much time to think and just enough time to try to forget.

I Get Myself in Trouble

I swear I get myself in trouble.

I care so much, but by worldly standards I care too much. I don't want people to take me the wrong way and yet they do.

It is hard to be kind, friendly and compassionate without someone thinking:

1. You have other motives. Folks can't just be nice. It seems people always assume there are strings attached.

2. You are trying to holler. Usually not the case with me. I don't have enough guts to holler. Not to mention, I don't want to holler like this.

It is very frustrating. At what point does it become clear..."I honestly care. I don't have any other motives. I just care for you and your well-being. Can I do that? Can I be there for you?"

Anyhow, enough of my rant and rave...

Song Writer's Block

I got plenty of chords,
Plenty of bridges,
I've even got the chorus,
But I'm missin' the lyrics.

What's a heart to do,
When they can find the tune,
But the words are far and few,
Heart trapped,
Steady feelin'.

*I need some lyrics...*

Five Lucky Kisses, One True Love

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the one whose lips I’ve been missin’.

He had a car,
With nice leather seats,
And his platinum made us Emerald City royalty.
He had good manners,
Charisma to boot,
One day we went out,
I had nothing to lose.

So he ordered up food that I’d never seen.
The china design, it mesmerized me.
I imagined us here just ten years later,
My heart skipped a beat,
Could I be twitterpated?

When the evening was done,
The moon hangin’ high,
We stood on my step,
I stared in his eyes.
I gave him the look and then he leaned in,
And instantly I knew this just wasn’t him.

So, I shook his hand and bid him goodnight,
Knowing that he was gone with the night.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now next on my list was a simpler guy,
He didn’t care if his clothes were torn or dyed.
His black skinny jeans,
He wore everyday,
He was the smartest guy that I’d ever date.

He had classic looks,
With a nice chiseled chin,
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
And yes, he is white,
Don’t judge me or him,
We were in love, or so we thought,
But something changed quick,
And we were broken up.

It happened like this,
One beautiful evenin’,
When we were disectin’ philosophical meanin’,
I batted my eyes and gave him the sign,
But as we leaned in I knew he just wasn’t mine.

So, I gently retreated,
And then broke it down,
He understood cause one logic we’d found,
He said, “You’re a great woman and your argument is sound.
I really appreciate it with an easy let down.”

And just like that he was gone in a flash,
Our world’s separated no longer to clash.
But he wouldn’t be the last on my list,
Cause that was only my second kiss.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

He was a jock,
Not usually my type,
But I decided generalities can be trite,
So I took a risk,
Got lost in his glance,
And found myself given him a chance.

Beautifully sculpted,
From his head down through his legs,
This man was strong,
And could run circles round me for days.
But his best attributes were not his calves nor glutes,
But instead his warm heart and his godly roots.

He knew the Word inside and out,
He followed the way,
And would even shout,
We went for a walk one sunny day,
We sat on a bench,
He started to pray.

“Dear LORD,
Most High of Heaven and earth,
Give us a sign if this is my girl.”
And with an Amen I then felt his hand,
He plastered a kiss and while it was bliss,
It was clear from his lips that he was crossed off the list.

And with great disappointment,
We went divided ways,
But I won’t forget the way that man prayed.

And now after three I sat by a tree,
Feelin’ discouraged that alone I would be.
If the God fearing man just wasn’t the one,
What would I do, this hope was weighing a ton.
And with the warmth of the sun,
The most high gave me a hug,
And said, “Be patient, I’m far from done.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now, number four was a man I adore,
With a beautiful heart,
Love was only the start.
He was a musician and artist for sure,
He knew my gift, my soul’s open door.
And when he would sing,
It all felt so clear,
That he was the one, my future dear.
My heart he had won,
Each note we would sing,
But there was a problem with our harmony.

It was a glorious evening,
Simple it was,
We sat at piano, our voices, our love,
Our melody and harmony woven together,
The angels sang with us,
The moment was light as a feather.

We started to sing,
And he took the lead,
I followed behind with fine harmony,
He stood from piano,
And reached for my hand,
And suddenly I realized,
He’s just my good riend.
And as he leaned in,
I felt his embrace,
I pushed him away and closed up the cased,
I told him the truth that I loved him much,
But that he wasn’t the one that I want.

He said, “It’s ok.
Let’s continue to sing.
I know someday we’ll both be happy.
And we’ll write a song,
The kind makes hearts long.
And that will be our short love song.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

And while number five was the best of them all,
I’ll save you the story,
And tell you he’s wrong.
A wonderful man of that I am sure,
But the truth of the matter is I’m not his girl.

And after kiss five I stood and I looked,
I gazed in the mirror like reading a book.
I washed my face,
And brushed my teeth and found a truth,
A lovely piece.
I took off my make-up and let down my hair,
I looked up to God and gave Him a dare.
“LORD, you know my heart,
And the things that I need.
I give up this search,
And fall to my knees.
I pray for the man that you will give me.
May he love You first,
Be kind and believe.
Protected and guided through your eyes we’ll see.
He’ll have warm heart and live compassionately,
And when the times is right one we will be,
But until then I live one and only for thee,
This time is a gift,
Yes, Lord, let it be.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the love that I’ve been missin’.
Yo, Jesus is NOT my boyfriend,
Like some like to say,
Yo, he is my God,
My friend through whom I am saved.
The truth of the matter is I’ve learned to love me,
And yes, I am single, to serve I am free.