I Get Myself in Trouble

I swear I get myself in trouble.

I care so much, but by worldly standards I care too much. I don't want people to take me the wrong way and yet they do.

It is hard to be kind, friendly and compassionate without someone thinking:

1. You have other motives. Folks can't just be nice. It seems people always assume there are strings attached.

2. You are trying to holler. Usually not the case with me. I don't have enough guts to holler. Not to mention, I don't want to holler like this.

It is very frustrating. At what point does it become clear..."I honestly care. I don't have any other motives. I just care for you and your well-being. Can I do that? Can I be there for you?"

Anyhow, enough of my rant and rave...

Song Writer's Block

I got plenty of chords,
Plenty of bridges,
I've even got the chorus,
But I'm missin' the lyrics.

What's a heart to do,
When they can find the tune,
But the words are far and few,
Heart trapped,
Steady feelin'.

*I need some lyrics...*

Five Lucky Kisses, One True Love

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the one whose lips I’ve been missin’.

He had a car,
With nice leather seats,
And his platinum made us Emerald City royalty.
He had good manners,
Charisma to boot,
One day we went out,
I had nothing to lose.

So he ordered up food that I’d never seen.
The china design, it mesmerized me.
I imagined us here just ten years later,
My heart skipped a beat,
Could I be twitterpated?

When the evening was done,
The moon hangin’ high,
We stood on my step,
I stared in his eyes.
I gave him the look and then he leaned in,
And instantly I knew this just wasn’t him.

So, I shook his hand and bid him goodnight,
Knowing that he was gone with the night.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now next on my list was a simpler guy,
He didn’t care if his clothes were torn or dyed.
His black skinny jeans,
He wore everyday,
He was the smartest guy that I’d ever date.

He had classic looks,
With a nice chiseled chin,
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
And yes, he is white,
Don’t judge me or him,
We were in love, or so we thought,
But something changed quick,
And we were broken up.

It happened like this,
One beautiful evenin’,
When we were disectin’ philosophical meanin’,
I batted my eyes and gave him the sign,
But as we leaned in I knew he just wasn’t mine.

So, I gently retreated,
And then broke it down,
He understood cause one logic we’d found,
He said, “You’re a great woman and your argument is sound.
I really appreciate it with an easy let down.”

And just like that he was gone in a flash,
Our world’s separated no longer to clash.
But he wouldn’t be the last on my list,
Cause that was only my second kiss.

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

He was a jock,
Not usually my type,
But I decided generalities can be trite,
So I took a risk,
Got lost in his glance,
And found myself given him a chance.

Beautifully sculpted,
From his head down through his legs,
This man was strong,
And could run circles round me for days.
But his best attributes were not his calves nor glutes,
But instead his warm heart and his godly roots.

He knew the Word inside and out,
He followed the way,
And would even shout,
We went for a walk one sunny day,
We sat on a bench,
He started to pray.

“Dear LORD,
Most High of Heaven and earth,
Give us a sign if this is my girl.”
And with an Amen I then felt his hand,
He plastered a kiss and while it was bliss,
It was clear from his lips that he was crossed off the list.

And with great disappointment,
We went divided ways,
But I won’t forget the way that man prayed.

And now after three I sat by a tree,
Feelin’ discouraged that alone I would be.
If the God fearing man just wasn’t the one,
What would I do, this hope was weighing a ton.
And with the warmth of the sun,
The most high gave me a hug,
And said, “Be patient, I’m far from done.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

Now, number four was a man I adore,
With a beautiful heart,
Love was only the start.
He was a musician and artist for sure,
He knew my gift, my soul’s open door.
And when he would sing,
It all felt so clear,
That he was the one, my future dear.
My heart he had won,
Each note we would sing,
But there was a problem with our harmony.

It was a glorious evening,
Simple it was,
We sat at piano, our voices, our love,
Our melody and harmony woven together,
The angels sang with us,
The moment was light as a feather.

We started to sing,
And he took the lead,
I followed behind with fine harmony,
He stood from piano,
And reached for my hand,
And suddenly I realized,
He’s just my good riend.
And as he leaned in,
I felt his embrace,
I pushed him away and closed up the cased,
I told him the truth that I loved him much,
But that he wasn’t the one that I want.

He said, “It’s ok.
Let’s continue to sing.
I know someday we’ll both be happy.
And we’ll write a song,
The kind makes hearts long.
And that will be our short love song.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.

And while number five was the best of them all,
I’ll save you the story,
And tell you he’s wrong.
A wonderful man of that I am sure,
But the truth of the matter is I’m not his girl.

And after kiss five I stood and I looked,
I gazed in the mirror like reading a book.
I washed my face,
And brushed my teeth and found a truth,
A lovely piece.
I took off my make-up and let down my hair,
I looked up to God and gave Him a dare.
“LORD, you know my heart,
And the things that I need.
I give up this search,
And fall to my knees.
I pray for the man that you will give me.
May he love You first,
Be kind and believe.
Protected and guided through your eyes we’ll see.
He’ll have warm heart and live compassionately,
And when the times is right one we will be,
But until then I live one and only for thee,
This time is a gift,
Yes, Lord, let it be.”

It’s harder to say,
But easier to feel,
Now I know that it’s the real deal.
It took me a while,
And five lucky kisses,
But I found the love that I’ve been missin’.
Yo, Jesus is NOT my boyfriend,
Like some like to say,
Yo, he is my God,
My friend through whom I am saved.
The truth of the matter is I’ve learned to love me,
And yes, I am single, to serve I am free.

About Me...

It has taken some time, but as of August 8, 2009 the below outlines a number of things I believe to be true in regards to myself, faith and the world around me... WARNING: I am young, and even when I am old, these could change given the right cross-section of God, revelation, and truth. I make no claims of perfection. I am most certainly fallible. It is not a question of will I change my mind or will I disappoint and/or hurt someone I love, but instead a question of WHEN? That said...

"I belong to God no matter how hard I try to run.
Good thing we have a Good Shepherd or else I'd always be running in the wrong direction.
Faith is central to who I am and how I live.
I'm Christian, but you might be surprised at how that ACTUALLY unfolds.

Working hard is a passion.
I am a life-long learner and aspire to be an academic.
Praxis is where the rubber meets the road and I can't learn without it.

I crave, need and want healthy relationships with others.

Equity, justice and righteousness are more than passions--they are a must!

Service is a way of life--as is obedience.

I love children and youth.
I am passionate about healthy families.

Reconciliation is central and essential to Christian theology.

Honesty is a MUST.
I love it when folks are genuine.
I'd prefer you tell me the truth and possibly hurt my feelings momentarily than live in a lie.

A life without music would not be a life worth living.
The Arts leave me breathless and yet fill me with the breath of life.

I love being in love...especially when the love is shared.
My heart and trust are easily given, but once broken much harder to restore.

My body is a temple and I must learn to treat it as such.

I am passionate and full of fire and attitude.
Discipline is the director of passion and therefore necessary.
Ambition is a close friend.
Loyal to the end.
Emotional to the core.
Cool and calm when pertinent.

For life I have a plan but living requires flexibility.

My life starts and ends with an act of love.

Personal Philosophy:
To be salt and light in the world:
Trusting God
Loving People
Living Life
By faith, with hope and in love."

Faith.Hope.Love.

Searching for a philosophy
To live this life that God has given me
Tried to find the strength in me
But I was blinded by the hate I see
I keep tryin' to live peacefully
But the world around keeps pushin' pullin' me
Right back down into the hate I see
I need a way to break free

Faith
Believe what I cannot see
Hope
Holdin' on until we achieve
Love
Care and compassion unconditionally
Overflow inside of me

So much stuff between you and me
Communicatin' through technology
What about our humanity
Sittin' talkin' its a mystery
I want to look into your eyes
And see emotion, its no surprise
You and I were meant to be
Connectin' through our physicality

Faith
Believe in what I cannot see
Hope
Holdin' on until we achieve
Love
Care and compassion unconditionally
Overflow inside of me

Full Attention

*New Song* Much better when played/sang than when read... when I get a chance to record and post... I will.

You’ve got my full attention,
You’ve got my heart,
Wrapped up in you,
You’ve got my soul devotion, what can I do?

You’ve got my full attention,
If this ain’t love I’ve got to let it go,
But I know this is love,
Cause my heart was cold,
But now it is warm.

But I stand afraid of all this emotion,
And I stand in awe of all your devotion,
I push away and you show me new love each day.

I stand afraid of pain, the past and present,
And yet you remain, you are committed,
Your loves brought change, I am defenseless,
You draw me nearer.

You’ve earned my full attention,
You’ve earned my heart,
It lays in your hands,
You’ve earned my soul’s devotion,
What can I do, I want to trust you.

You’ve earned my full attention
If this ain’t love I’ve got to let it go,
But I know this love,
Cause my heart was cold,
And now it is warm.

You gave me your full attention,
You placed your heart in the palm of my hands,
You’ve gave me your soul’s devotion,
Your heart is true,
I can trust you.

You gave me your full attention,
You gave me your love,
You’ll never let me go.
I know this is love,
Cause my heart was frozen,
But now it is warm.

[Daddy don't call for money...]

[Daddy don’t call for money…]

Daddy don’t call for money no more.

Suppose the distance has closed that open door.

It may not be me but some has to answer,

Unfortunately that person is now my baby sister.

I didn’t mean to leave her in a space where she would suffer.

Emotional and selfish, I was supposed to be the buffer.

“Big Sis, where’d you go?”
I cry out, “I had to leave.”

Maturity came about and stole her nativity like a thieve.

There are just some things a little girl should never see.

First, she should never have to see her Daddy leave.

Second, she should never have watch her Daddy beg.

Third, she should never witness his spirit left for dead.

He’ll still pinch my cheek and call my name

But it is only a shadow of the man that remains.

His struggle has been prophesized, self-fulfilling chains

The daughters he fathered have been left for lame.

She’ll never say the pain she feels

And never deal the blame she yields.

I know her burden, cause it I bore,

Yet Daddy don’t call me for money no more.