Generally Speaking...

Generally speaking this website hasn't gotten much play lately. It has been slightly overshadowed by the handiness of a notebook and pen that can go everywhere with me versus a computer and internet that is really only functional in sedentary places.

As of late, I have been feeling a lot like I am chasing the sun/Son. Clearly, that cannot be so. My brain tells me that the sun/Son has been chasing me, and so I akwardly cock my head backwards to try to catch a glimpse of the rays but they remain unseen. To me at least.

More often than not I am confused and conflicted. My heart and mind simoultaneously abuse each other. Productivity is low and in the heat of this unruly adventure I sweat profusely...waiting for my deodorant to kick-in...or give out. This is the anxiety talking; causing me to feel like I cannot do enough, give enough, be enough.

Feeling as if I am forever reaching behind my ears hoping to change the tapes that have been playing since birth. They are not good enough. At times I listen. They tell me I'm not good enough and the battle ensues. It is usually easier to listen to them in complacency than it is continue pushing forward for their changing. On any account, I know that they are not the right casettes and so I will keep reaching until I can change them.

I am not afraid though. This is what causes me to believe Your not chasing me. It pushes me to trust that You are in me. Walking with me. I am not alone.

In this moment I pick up a mental stone. No, not to chuck or throw, to lay down. To build a memorial. To remember that there are times when I find peace and ease despite the complexity and pain of the world around me.

My Mother used to say, "Let go and let God."

When I have children I will say, "Let God. Trust God. God will do whatever God wants whether you are holding on or not. Letting go just may make it easier and little less painful. That said, in the end God works for the good of those who love God."

It'll take a lot longer to say, but it might be a little more descriptive.

No less easier said. And of course, no more easier done.

Sometimes it just helps to admit that something hurts you.

If you are anything like me, you try not admit any amount of hurt. Even if you admit fault, you never want anyone to think that they had, let alone have, the power to hurt you.

For 7 years, over 1/4 of my life, I poured energy, time and talent into a community. Eventually it turned into a job, but I worked beyond the job, beyond the pay, beyond the job description, because believed I had found a place where all of my passions (Christ, service, community, community development, reconciliation, volunteerism, the Arts, etc.) could come together for the greater good. I felt so incredibly lucky to have discovered this place at such a young age.

I'm learning that utopia's are never what they seem when humanity is involved.

I left that community by what I considered to be God's leading. That community and that work felt like the only earthly items (if you can call them that) in my hands that really meant anything. Letting those go brought me to a place of such deep brokenness. A brokenness through which I am still digging my way out.